Survival tips for (stupid) people who live alone

I used the stupid in the headline because many of staying alone, forget that there could be situations where no matter how self-sufficient you are, you NEED help.

1. Always have a flat pair of slippers… when you are woozy and getting down the stairs from the fourth floor, heels are not reliable, even if they are 1 inch-high kitten heels. You could easily twist your ankle and then fall off the stairs, which would further complicate a simple food poisoning.

2. If you have dogs that are teething, it is of particular importance to keep in mind that they might chew your flat slippers. A spare is advised, that should be kept out of reach of dogs.

3. A food poisoning is simple only till as such time you get to a doctor. It is not wise to think that if you puke and shit long enough, the infection will ‘go out’. It doesn’t and after the food is thrown out, the puke gets REALLY bitter. You’d rather hold it inside. (This is gross, yes, but if I can be stupid, I worry about the world, not being as stupid as most of them. Waits for some gaalis on that one)

4. Though it is wise to check the Internet to see if the symptoms you have are food poisoning or too much eating and stomach not being able to handle it… self-medication or medication on advise of good friends is not advised.

5. However, PLEASE note what your body does on normal days or circumstances. You should ideally be able to notice that it IS behaving differently! And the body gets ‘moody’ only when you have been doing bad things to it.

6. When ordering cakes and stored food items from outside: Always choose whole cakes instead of muffins and small pies, you don’t know how long those have been lying around.

7. Now SUE me: Coffee chain BARISTA has one of the POOREST quality food. Their sandwiches are stale, their quiches are dried inside and their cakes give food poisoning. The apple pie was the ONLY outside item I had had yesterday; so there are NO doubts as to what made me ill. And that’s the thing with Indian cafes, despite their gorgeous posters about coffee beans from Italy or Bolivia (or was Bolovia mentioned when talking of cocaine? Can’t remember). PLEASE AVOID ALL BARISTA FOOD. And, I WILL do something about this officially too. I am not shitting my insides out for a company that charges Rs 50 for a stupid cup of stale coffee (when a 50 gm bottle of Nescafe classic costs just seven bucks more and lasts a fuckin month)…especially when their food makes you ill.

8. ALWAYS recharge your phone and have some balance left or renew your pre-paid to call in case of emergencies. Or at least have friends online who you can ask to place calls for you. Advisable to have some friends-online-at-all-times, so that its not like you log on and everyone else is sleeping.

9. There is nothing to feel embarrassed about… if you have to call friends and ask for someone to be with you when going to hospital. It’s better than passing out in the cab and then thanking your stars that you weren’t raped or anything.

10. Please don’t take your health as a joke. For those who stay alone, being able to stand and do our shit, is very important. You and I cannot afford to fall ill, because we don’t have people to look after us at home. I was really down in the morning… but the staff nurses’ spoke sweetly and one of them even stroked my hair because she was surprised that I was 28 and looked... (whatever the age she said I looked which am not writing here, fuckin irritating); so she very sweetly stroked my hair (Staff nurse Tiji Thomas at Max Medicare, Panchsheel will be remembered and with all my heart I shall wish her well. Nurses meet many patients… they don’t have any business stroking one patient’s hair in a busy day that was just starting. But she did. And this patient will remember). AND, I was happy. I knew the injections would stop the vomiting, but some kind words and other people smiling and fussing about, improved my morale like ten-fold.

PS: And well, when friends think that if-she-can-type-she-can-go-to-doc-too; perhaps not. When I wrote that earlier post, was scouting for who to call to help and who to call to call a cab for me. No car so that would mean sitting in an autorickshaw and going to the doc. Very smartly, have been lazy about paying bills and therefore phone is barred. At 8.30 in the morning, only friends from outside the country were online… and asking someone to call Chhote Yadav the Cabbie from the USA, would be a tad daft. So was online and desperately waiting for help. And, got it too, in the most soul-lifting, puke-stopping kind of way.

I also love being alive and not ill and not puking and not doing potty every five minutes. Hmm. Actually I REALLY like being all right and wouldn’t change that for all the heart-breaks and bastardo men in the world. And you know what, not ALL men are bastards. (frowns, does not like that line) Well, let’s say, not all men are bastards all the time. (grin)

Please look after yourself everyone.