"Mere paas arse hai"

Kaga sab tan khaiyo, chun chun khaiyo maas.
Do nainan mat khaiyo, inhe piya milan ki aas.

Dear crow, when you shred my body, clean me to the bone;
Just leave the eyes intact, for they await my love alone.

Hmm. Love. Bleaaaaargh. Or rather, to practice the latest phrase I've picked off a rather recent friend, "What rot."

So love is that between parent and child. What about mothers who smother their babies to death? Or fathers who rape their daughters? Or mothers who pimp their daughters to their rich lovers? Or mothers who are jealous of their daughters? Or parents who don't want the son to settle down and therefore control his life?

So love is between mentor and protege. What about the guru who promises false growth only to manipulate the talents of the protege? Or the leader who pushes his deputy forward to face a challenge, but pulls back when it's time to lend support? Or a teacher who wants you to be his/her pet so bad that they would sabotage every growth opportunity just to keep you with them?

And what, pray fuck, am I waiting for? And the others? The momentary palpitations you get when you log on, see someone else online and while you are thinking if you want to message the person or not... the person messages you instead. Your first thought? "Oh my god, we have a connection, we are thinking of each other at the same time." Moron. Or the joy of someone calling you every evening asking you your POA or trying to make a plan with you? Hmmm. After a while, that becomes a pain, the constant explaining. Don't you want to not explain yourself after sometime? Or snuggling up to someone at night... but then what about when you spread yourself and the other person insists on clinging to your neck?

Love, perhaps the ability to give a lot to another, to cherish them despite faults etc. So he does and she says she is getting a lot of love from him... but there's a "very important mental connect missing". What will he do when he learns of that? And another calls, relieved, "You know what! My bad luck in love is because of seven years of bad luck, it's because of Jupiter... I have completed two, five more to go...maybe you are suffering from the saadhe-saati too?" he offers helpfully. He is hoping that after waiting five years, he would meet Her. The one he can lavish all his love on. The last time he tried, a long relationship of six years... she walked away. He's just been wandering with different women since then...

Fuck me... as in forget me weeping-moaning about my broken heart; what is REALLY irritating me is the number of nice, warm, loving, feeling, good fucking people who are suffering. And all because they WANT to love. What crap is this? And what the fuck is wrong that all of us seem to want to love people who either won't love back or run away? So okay, perhaps I am a case who is self-destructive and therefore consciously chooses to fall for men with whom things will go bad after a while -- I have always asked myself, if I consider myself fairly smart, how the fuck do I manage to screw up all relationships then? Hmmm? Is that the case with EVERYBODY? Is everyone sabotaging their own hearts? Or is the divide between imagined love and the reality of it (or its existence) becoming so huge that any compromise is becoming difficult? And how does one operate in a society of permament fuck-buddies?

We all are sleeping with each other. Yikes. (More thoughts, still filtering...)

Meanwhile, the tarot reader who came to office for an offical live chat with readers asked me if I wanted my cards read while we waited for the chat to begin. The first question she asked me, as she laid out her cards was, "So who is this soulmate? There is someone clearly in your energies," she said. Well, I rattled off some names with date of birth and all -- amazing how I remembered five different date of births of men I am not dating, desperation, sickening, it teaches you things -- and well, apparently it's none of those men. It's definitely not the Ex because the cards I picked said, "It's only you who's holding on to that relationship. The day you let it go, it's dead. He is not bothered at all." Oh well, I know, and if nothing else, I am just bored of that story.

But, she insists that there's someone in my energies. Lawrd. Groan. Of all the scenarios I had thought of when-I-meet-soulmate, I had never thought that I would not know! Frankly, I have no idea...and currently am so irritated with all this you-are-about-find-love thing, that if someone came with a Soulmate placard around his neck, I'd probably clobber the guy on the head or something. And very honestly, I don't know WHY I am irritated. Oh. Am writing rot.