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August 25, 2007

Leopards, Slush Fields and Nightmare

Went to bed at 1.50 am, woke up shaking at 3.40am. Nightmare. After ages. This is what I remember and I am glad (for lack of a better word) for I am extremely scared.

I don’t know the house, but all I can see is that I am talking to Mamma-Papa. I suddenly notice something moving in the cupboard kept behind Papa… it’s a wooden crockery cupboard, with glass windows you can see through. And from inside the cupboard, there’s an animal staring out at us, twitching its tail.

“Is that a leopard?” I ask.
Papa walks to the cupboard and pulls out the cat – perhaps a cat I know because I take its name, which I cannot write here. Then Papa says the leopard is in the other room. We go to find it, it’s a cub. (I think)

Then I see Mamma lying on a cot in the other room – that looks quite like my current drawing room but is not – and is crying. She is also cuddling the cat. (Now, my mother HATES cats). Mamma is refusing to go the other room and repeatedly saying, “Na, he never loved me.” I am getting angry at her for crying and then I get nasty. I say, “Stop pretending, you were equally responsible. Stop pretending.”

(I don’t speak to Mamma like that. Ever. We fight, but not like that. She gets easily hurt; and well, my words can hurt. So I watch it with her. She would otherwise brood on what I say for months…)

Then I see this former colleague of mine who comes to visit me. I don’t know what he is doing in my dream. As he is leaving, he picks up my favourite wooden box. It was an incense holder earlier, now I use it to keep, stuff. So Friend takes my box and leaves with it saying he wouldn’t give it back.

I run after him crying, “Please don’t take that box. Papa gave it to me. But you cannot take my box…” I am crying and running after him, it’s pitch back, I am running in the dark, calling out to him to return my box, but he does not say a word. In fact I cannot hear anything at all. There is a sickening, oppressive, pressing silence. Panicking, I reach for my cellphone for some light. As the light from the phone illuminates the surrounding area, I realize I am standing in the Slush Fields. As I tried to manouever, my foot sinks into the mud and I fall into it.

I woke up screaming and crying. After ages, a nightmare within a couple of hours of sleeping. WHAT did it mean? I have never seen leopards in my dreams before. I have seen tigers, many tigers, surrounding a small, flimsy, wooden cottage I am trapped in. I keep thinking that the tigers could easily break down the door if they tried. That dream always ended with the tigers slowly, menacingly, closing in on the house. I still don’t know if the tigers symbolized keeping me locked inside… or keeping something from getting to me. But I remember a clear sense of extreme danger and pervasive fear.

Also very vivid is the fact that I HAVE dreamt of the Slush Fields before. Not too sure if it’s been this dark before in the dream. But the Field has always been distasteful. It’s huge, grassy and extremely muddy and slushy. Like when you water the lawn too much and there are parts where you think the mud is strong enough to hold your weight, but when you place your feet on it, your foot sinks in. Whenever I have seen the Slush Fields before, I have been running or chasing… And have tried ti skirt around the muddy patches. This time, I fell in it.

I don’t have nightmares generally. And I have never woken up instantly to remember most of it either. This time eerily, there were two pencils lying next to the laptop. And fresh sheets on my ‘beauty rack’ (no dressing table). So I wrote this down in paper and now am typing it out from there.

Now an article I read long time back said that what we dream is a sum total of what we have heard/ experienced and a residue of what lingers on in our subconscious.

I have been thinking of Mamma-Papa. Leopards? Perhaps because I recently read Siddharth Dhanvant Shanghvi’s The Last Song Of Dusk (and also because I recently saw his pic again). Now that book has this very menacing – but sultry – panther walking out of it’s cover. You can make out from its tail that if the panther could pounce, it would. But that, is a panther; and I saw a leopard… Perhaps because last week I was talking to someone and he was narrating how he went for shikaars (hunts) with his uncles. And how they saw leopard pug marks all around.

However, there has to be a reason. I woke up crying. No, am lying there. Actually, I woke up petrified and howling and desperately, desperately wanting another human being near me. (Is ashamed) I am really scared.

I love cats, my Mom hates them. Yet, she is the one cuddling the cat.
Meaning: for whatever reason, ‘Ma’ would rather see me with the cat than with the leopard

Leopard: does not change its spots..
…Even though it might pretend to be a cat? Is there someone I trust who I think is a ‘cat’ but is actually a leopard who will harm, kill and maim me? And someone who’s ‘spots’ I have not noticed? (Or have I and am willfully ignoring and therefore the nightmare, a warning?)

Friend stealing box
Something precious to me will/ could be taken, that I don’t want to part with. And the one doing the taking will be someone I know…and trust?

Falling into the slush and mud instead of circling it and the surrounding darkness
Either, if I don’t watch, I am about to get caught in something I wouldn’t like… Or is it already too late and I am in trouble?

I don’t know, but I am disturbed. Also – those who want to think I am weird and a freak are most welcome to, not that they wait for my approval! – but, for past sometime, what I am seeing, especially dreams that disturb, have an eerie way of coming true. I see fucking scenarios that are played out as is. It’s not even déjà vu because I KNOW exactly where I have seen that situation before. I visualized it. Premonitions? I fucking don’t know. But am petrified. The nightmare reeks of betrayal and breach of trust and loss.

Please, not again. I am really tired.

PS: And I so wish this craving for other human beings would go away.


Cat: A feminine aspect. Cats attacking you represent the enemies; if you succeed banishing them you will overcome great obstacles and rise in fortune and fame. It also says that if you are fond of cats it means answering to your own feminine, sexual side...

Leopard: Enemies seek to cause injury but will fail. You will be embarrassed in business or love, but by persistent efforts you will overcome difficulties.

Black: Black signifies isolation and transition period. It shows up conflicts and friction with relations and friends

torch/ SEARCHLIGHT: Focused attention, concentration on a particular issue. Meditation and concentration. The search for something. Trying to understand and make conscious decisions...

MUD: In some dreams, as in a muddy road, or swamp, the mud is simply the retarding aspect of your hesitations and fears. In other dreams, people search through, or dig in the mud, which represents the cleansing of emotions caused by outer circumstances, the looking through the experience or muck of your life for its treasure, for often a flower or jewel may be found in the mud. IT is the primordial substance or life energy, sensuality, even blood.Mud is like clay, it is a substance that can be moulded, and so may present the idea of your basic memories and emotions that were shaped. Mud may also symbolise healing, as it contains all the elements of the past, which we need for completeness.

MOTHER: To dream of your mother usually signifies the feelings or pains you still feel in connection with her. Mother can represent all we want in a caring and loving relationship, or perhaps all we didn't get. RIGHT. THAT makes sense.

Running after someone: either trying to protect them from themselves or trying to stop them from doing something...

My interpretation:
I am about to suffer yet another heart break. LOL. It will involve another woman. LOL. Probably someone I know or a 'friend'. LOL. Oh well, everybody is welcome. It won't be anything new. AND I am NOT trying... so Hello, WhoEver Up There, listen up... I DON'T want love-shove, no no. You can keep it for you or whoever. Just leave me alone, okay?


taurius1 said...

I had a nightmare last night too. >_<

I think it was something to do with the fact that I fell asleep listening to Yahel.

My nighmare saw some wierd creture thing trying to break out of me... kinda like how you see people morph into demons in movies. I actually felt like my body was shaking all over, and there was this horrible pain in my chest like something was trying to break out. Very wierd. Worst part was, the entire time, I'm trying to wake up, but my hand just wouldn't move under my pillow to my phone. When it finally did happen, I woke up with a yell and almost fell off my bed. Couldn't sleep for another couple of hours.

Oh yeah.... I switched my playlist o Vivaldi and Motzart and Bethoven.

taurius1 said...

Heh. Trance usualy give me beautiful visions of other world scenes, and romantic notions of valiant princes fighting to defend the cute helpless princess who in the end manage do some pretty nice ass-whopping themsleves too...

about flying over endless emerald Aceans, through the clouds in unearthly skies, besides birds and things I can't even begind to describe here... :)