‘Sex is a big part of our relationship”

That headline was to keep alive the tradition of this being a sex-blog. And since it’s only a jackass who would believe that anyone fucking blogging so much is fucking at all; well, you can imagine how much THAT word is happening here.

(The smarter/cockier ones would notice the random days of no-posting no doubt. But then, it could just mean, shaggin’, no?) Necessary sex-bit over; now the other headlines that could perhaps go with this post:

Life, in real time
Curious and curiouser

I have always been worried at the idea that perhaps if I get happy, I wont be able to blog, since my USP seems to be angsty-weepy blogging (but yeah, I do it in style, yeah). However, it seems, I don’t have to worry at all. There is a darned good supply of shit happening all around for me to keep typing.

(Btw, it’s beautiful and windy on my terrace and am wondering: A whole lot of things I read in magazines today, I don’t remember, but a whole lot of things I read in mags as a kid are as vivid as smelling a new Reader’s Digest when it was taken out of it’s khaki packing. Like the story somewhere on body type or something… it had said that men with ‘generous’ lower lips kiss very well. It is bloody true! Also, please note: most villains are shown with thin lips while heroes on covers of romance novels always have fuller lower lips. Talk about stereotyping the poor things. Ah, externalizing the objectification feels so good) Anyway.

I am beginning to realize why parents find it tough to adjust to their ‘kids’ becoming thinking adults. The more I see the kids around me becoming men and women, the more it’s… sort of making me unsure of things. Particularly things about the Salvage Point.

Now all of us, to some degree or the other, are fucked up. (There are those who are not fucked up at all, congratulations, you may leave the blog right now.) Sooner or later, most of us realize that too. Now some of us might be interested in undoing some of the damage. But the big question is: What if beyond a point, the fucked-up-ness cannot be undone?

What if there is a Salvage Point, that critical point/moment where you realize you are fucked up and do something about it? And WHAT if, that Salvage Point is already lost… way back in childhood? What if, by the time, we grow up, we are already so fucked-up, that adulthood is simply spent caught fighting webs created well beyond our time of control or cognizance? And to think that a lot of parents do things for the BENEFIT of the child.

Talking to the tarot reader, she mentioned how parents – when teenage daughters get pregnant or adolescent sons are found addicted to crack – how parents breakdown and ask, “Was there something we did wrong?” What would happen if someone were to reply in a “yes” to that question? Would it help, adding an, “It’s okay, it was not your fault. You were doing your best; you didn’t know any better?”

He used to be one of the cutest toddlers around. He probably hates hearing that too. As a little boy who could not speak yet, he idolized another young boy I knew, who was slightly older. Now this older boy was shy himself and understanding the toddler’s extreme nervousness in company, took him as a ‘friend’. The young boy of 5, with his dart-shooting gun and the 2-year-old who could just say ‘tanni’ (Tamil for water). And me an observer – and often informer to mother – at age, 10.

Now, that little boy who could only say one word in Tamil, he says he had a “fucked up” childhood… It breaks my heart. They had him when they were pretty senior, biologically, their only son, the apple of their eye. And such a bonny baby boy to behold, I don’t blame them at all. So they mollycoddled him, didn’t let him out of their sight. He was always lonely’ and not everyone responds to changing schools as a star performer… But this is what I know and have gathered. There could be more. I do not know. And it’s getting to me… I saw the boys shoot the tail off a lizard with the dart gun. The tail had fallen next to the single-worded infant, I was shrieking and going nuts, while the two “men”, the 5 year old and the 2 year old, they roared with laughter.

And today, that toddler writes to me and says he is in love with a girl and how sex is really important in their relationship. He called me by my name…and I had to gently remind him, that no matter how much he likes sex, I will always remain ‘didi’ (older sister) to him. He sent back a smiley and stuck to didi after that. And he says that the girl he loves is leaving him and he cannot do without her because he was “truly accepted” when only around her. He wants to marry the girl and has even spoken to his parents. But the girl, well, she’s gone silent and is throwing a fit. So he tried swallowing pills.

And I think I will answer him in the email. Now for the rest of the post: Am tired writing and suddenly distracted so am gonna wrap it up in short…

Curious and curiouser: What happens next, vis-à-vis, my own life. "What happens in chapter three?"

PS: Happy Independence Day, India's 60th year of being a democracy.