The If Only

If I was less moody
If I was more compassionate
If I was less my-way-or-high-way (usually me on the high way!)
If I was less who the fuck says it has to be this way?
If I could only ask for help
If I could tell someone how exactly to make their lives
If I could open a school
If I could have farm house… for dogs
If I had the energy to do half the things in day that I want to in a day
(Forever getting tired now, with days when I feel that there is just no life in me; doc says it’s the weight loss).
If I did not question the affections of the few who do love me
If I could only stop doubting
If I could trust….
(More than money, more than anything else, if I could only trust)
If I did not get scared of being replaced
If I didn’t keep running…
…From me
If I didn’t If so much

Need to get out
Need to ctrl+a, Delete…
…A lot of people in my life
Need to find a channel for the energy
(Think internalizing all the energy is devouring me from within; thus the shrinking me)

And again, the thought of just pulling out all stops, a big bang and poofing-away without a backward glance, is very appealing. It’s also, slowly, tenaciously, becoming an obsession. If we don’t need people – though yes, I do enjoy people – then what’s the point of pretending to having some around? Hmm. Are you truly alone if you are among people you know…between the familiar? What will it be to not know anyone. ANYONE.

No background. No prior expectations. No reputation and notoriety to precede. And more than anything else… no one knows what to expect out of you. You are fucking as new to them…as THEY are to you. Ah. That, is a truly delicious thought. Unknown. Unsuspecting. Fucking scary. But extremely, thrilling.

Hmmm. Me, getting hooked on to an idea. Is dangerous. Thank god mom cannot read this. (smiles) But then the whole idea would be for no one to know, no? Oh what fun. Hmmm.
1. money
2. back end
3. poof!

PS: Yes, poof.

PS 2: Don't tell me what I have to do; I manage to fuck-up on my own pretty well, thankyou.