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August 21, 2007

Flashback: Just writing

Was writing this on July 17th, but never completed it or posted it. Don't remember what happened to interrupt it. Remember though that I was trying not to think and just write.

I would love to have a device that could read my mind and type things as they come to my mind. Like a constant, instant recording of the thoughts running through my head. Unconstructed, unstructured, no words thought of, no meanings attached, no reactions assumed. Just thoughts as and when and if they occur at all.

Like right now I am trying to keep up, but it’s not effortless. It’s as if the brain is trying to think for the fingers to type something. Or like I would have to stop to write that I just lit a cigarette instead of having something automatically write it down. Each time I am typing – as I am thinking – it’s another thought on hold.

Hmm. Some think I am a hypochondriac. I am not. Finally got the right diagnosis: thyroid hormones are all over the place and it’s not the right places. Apparently it’s a hyperactive thyroid thing, something called Grave’s disease. Extreme fatigue, mood swings and sudden, extreme weight loss. From an entire lifetime of roundness to being called anorexic. Why the fuck did it all happen in those particular years? Hmm?

Kind of weird that EVERYTHING that was previous – people, situations, relationships, learnings – simply blew up in my face, down to the minutest of details. At times for the good; at others, for me to grit my teeth and get along. At times it all seems so schematically written* – when I see the entire situation as a third party – that it seems, so, unreal for real life.

(schematically written: *What does that mean? Who wrote it? Or did I have I hand in it? Is it really destiny etc or do we think of something, an idea of how a certain situation is supposed to be or how we want it – no matter however vague an idea – and then we go about fulfilling it, subconsciously too, perhaps? At times it has been weird, eerily enough, I HAVE got what I wanted… but there has always been some loophole that has fucked it up*.

PS: Well that was written back then. Got a headache and a neck-ache from too much head-banging at the menwhopause live @ Aquifer show. Ah, but was very nice. After a long time a live gig and the band I enjoy hearing. Unfortunately, the CDs they gave out – debut album, Home – does not have Downtown or Time. It’s not supposed to, but I was just hoping.


Maxine said...

"roundness to being called anorexic". Really? One extreme to another? Why why why....

clit.chatting said...

Thyroid hyper functioning. Eats away whatever I eat and refuses to let me put on weight. It would be a DAMN neat thing if only the weight would STOP at a certain stage; only body keeps eating itself and you keep getting skinnier...and weak and moody. Hmm. So medicines gotta start, which is AGAIN scary ---> if i shrunk like this, what if i bloat the other way? Hmm