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August 14, 2007


Very nervous.
Have not slept a bit.
Kept waking up smiling.
And then getting extremely nervous.
Prowled on terrace at 3 am.
Refused to get online.
Now that I am, regretting it and...
Very nervous.

I am sure it's second thoughts somewhere else.
Why did I open my mouth?
Why am I such a moron?
If I am a moron at 28, WHEN will I see sense?
After SO much happening, HOW could I do this?
And THAT too... OH GOD... everyone will now CERTIFIED laugh at me.
And I had to blog about it too.
Thankgod I don't write names.
O Ma.

Like I tell "God" each time ----> "Please let me get out of this, and I swear I will never do it again...or try my best not to, or at least take some responsibility for it."

I am TELLING you, Life and Luck have decided to plot and scheme against me...and reality and fiction are mingling.

I did NOT plan to open my mouth and blurt out that I have a crush on hime. After wondering if a) he has a girl in his life b) he has more than a girl in his life c) if he thinks of me as a girl at all d) if he thinks of me in more than-just-curiosity ways e) if the curiosity is because I am a girl or because I am as much of a reality as a snorcack and d) if romantically, even at 28, I have learnt NO lesson -- last night proves it -- what is to happen to me?

So I was hoping, that if at all, all of the above had favourable answers and I stood an iota of a chance; then I would take it nice and easy, slow and steady, patient and virtuous and all that and see where it goes and all... till. Well. He told me he had a bad day. Then I asked him to marry me. He started laughing. So then I got pissed off and told him he was rather rude for laughing at my proposal when all I was trying to tell him was I had a crush on him. Well. He asked me how I could just spring it on him especially after he'd had a hard day. Then we debated on why it was a bad idea.

:( How many times have I written in my columns that when men say things like "it is a bad idea", women should hitch their skirts and run and not make an ass of themselves? I don't practice what I preach. Dear mother of gawd, I want to cut my tongue and feed it to my neighbour's mad dog.

I am embarrassed for life. And I am going to be rejected again. And it's all because i could not keep my mouth shut. For once, despite the humour in the situation being fucking APPARENT, I cannot laugh. Yet. I have quickly documented all this so that I CANNOT deny my assinine behaviour later. And being the practicing-learning-every-day-sadist, I will bloody keep reminding myself to NEVER ....aaargh.....why did i open my mouth?

o ma aami koto gadha.


Maxine said...

LOL! oops but.. LOL!
I can loan you 15,000 right away!!

burf said...

reading first 9 lines i thought your pup has bitten your landlady's illicit lover and now both she and her lover are after your life

or maybe you haven't paid up the CC bill that was running in lacs and to top it up told the bank manager to buzz off, cuz you were busy blogging

Anonymous said...

who the hell is this guy?

and why i am so jealous?

considering the fact that i met you only once, it's not fair! anyway, hope you get your man.

(does the tragic lover bit and fades into the shadows...but will crawl back for some sunshine sooner or later)