Heebeegeebees

Erm.
Very nervous.
Have not slept a bit.
Kept waking up smiling.
And then getting extremely nervous.
Prowled on terrace at 3 am.
Refused to get online.
Now that I am, regretting it and...
Very nervous.

I am sure it's second thoughts somewhere else.
Why did I open my mouth?
Why am I such a moron?
If I am a moron at 28, WHEN will I see sense?
After SO much happening, HOW could I do this?
And THAT too... OH GOD... everyone will now CERTIFIED laugh at me.
And I had to blog about it too.
Thankgod I don't write names.
O Ma.

Like I tell "God" each time ----> "Please let me get out of this, and I swear I will never do it again...or try my best not to, or at least take some responsibility for it."

I am TELLING you, Life and Luck have decided to plot and scheme against me...and reality and fiction are mingling.

I did NOT plan to open my mouth and blurt out that I have a crush on hime. After wondering if a) he has a girl in his life b) he has more than a girl in his life c) if he thinks of me as a girl at all d) if he thinks of me in more than-just-curiosity ways e) if the curiosity is because I am a girl or because I am as much of a reality as a snorcack and d) if romantically, even at 28, I have learnt NO lesson -- last night proves it -- what is to happen to me?

So I was hoping, that if at all, all of the above had favourable answers and I stood an iota of a chance; then I would take it nice and easy, slow and steady, patient and virtuous and all that and see where it goes and all... till. Well. He told me he had a bad day. Then I asked him to marry me. He started laughing. So then I got pissed off and told him he was rather rude for laughing at my proposal when all I was trying to tell him was I had a crush on him. Well. He asked me how I could just spring it on him especially after he'd had a hard day. Then we debated on why it was a bad idea.

:( How many times have I written in my columns that when men say things like "it is a bad idea", women should hitch their skirts and run and not make an ass of themselves? I don't practice what I preach. Dear mother of gawd, I want to cut my tongue and feed it to my neighbour's mad dog.

I am embarrassed for life. And I am going to be rejected again. And it's all because i could not keep my mouth shut. For once, despite the humour in the situation being fucking APPARENT, I cannot laugh. Yet. I have quickly documented all this so that I CANNOT deny my assinine behaviour later. And being the practicing-learning-every-day-sadist, I will bloody keep reminding myself to NEVER ....aaargh.....why did i open my mouth?

o ma aami koto gadha.