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August 13, 2007

Kya karega Pandu, jab kismet ho gandu?

(would perhaps mean: What's the point in changing your role, it's your luck, you fuckin' arsehole)

Or let's call this one 'how to make an ass of yourself in 12 days'...

Actually a week, but the extra five days often drive home the point. This post can also be called, How It Is Never Uncomplicated.

“You wake up with a smile on your face and find that even the most mundane activities are tons of fun. If you can share your attitude with your family or coworkers, the day will be an utter blast”… says the horoscope for Taurus today. Bastardos, you got it wrong.

It also says self-criticism, stress and worry are out of bounds. Wah! That’s like denying two-thirds of my personality. Hrmph. :

(At the end of the day…)

All the above was what I had started writing, till stomach cramps and work got the better of me. And the fact that each time I have been trying to write for past some days… well, happy thoughts intervened. Transient, happy thoughts, but nevertheless, I shall enjoy it.

I have realized that I am way too hormonal to have uncomplicated friendships. And of course I mean with men. I used to think that things would settle down as I “grow up”, you know, learn to be more mature about things, appreciate differences, respect taboos and not cross certain limits. Basically, I used to think, that with age, being “only” friends with a guy would be easier… FAT chance there!

I can bravely say, that so far, most friendships with men have had some sort of sexual undertone: explored, unexplored, implored; the awareness has been there. And given the chance that I like to befriend men with things between their… ears, it just makes it tougher. I am a mentally-undone sort of person. Because you know, obviously player-like men are so obvious. You know what they will do… But the ones who come with functional brains, ah! The minds of those men are far more interesting than a dozen players in consecutive nights.

With guys who think, it’s a different ball game. Somewhere, there is a constant conflict between the woman-me, and the person-me. The person-me would love to get to know the person, hang and chill and generally do stuff that two people, who are getting along, do. But the woman-me, well, she has to complicate things. That part needs validation of being noticed as a woman, of being acknowledged. And does not stop till it gets a positive response, or reaction.

And this part, well, she’s the ‘siren’, if at all. That’s the part that will seek a response from the ‘man’ and not the person, that’s the part that will want the man to ‘like’ me or respond to me, and well… ARGH. (Out with it woman!) Well, at times, I would willingly complicate things. Like kissing a good friend of many years, to see how he handles it. Or bring a sexual edge to a perfectly healthy, platonic relationship and shake its foundations.

Why? Am I constantly trying to prove to myself that a man and a woman cannot have a non-sexual relationship; that whether they acknowledge it or not, a sexual attraction/ curiosity is ALWAYS there? Or, as usual, and is constant habit: Is it just me?

This one could be me being one of the few. Not everyone has rejection issues! Rejection issues that need validation from the closest male friends – funnily enough, these are the men who are the choicest of the lot, ‘eligible’ in every other way, and if they are my friends, they obviously have a high tolerance for me, and yet, I cannot fall for them – that I AM a desirable woman. That men, find me desirable… I think, some of my male friends, they understand this…

(And see, before some of you write in angrily saying I should get over this and blah; the point is you want YOUR man to NOT reject you; and when that happens, when your partner chooses another etc, some of us, I think, seek validation in getting as many ‘responses’ as possible… not necessarily sleep with the whole bunch, but definitely KNOW that you are appreciated, wanted, liked, desired, whatever, blah…)

Like my friend says, “If I say I only want to hang with you, you get mad. If I say I have more feelings for you, you get mad. What do I do?” So…at times it’s the ego that wants you – who likes me as a person, to respond to me as a woman – and at others, well. It’s basically, things my way. And it’s selfish; because first I want you to acknowledge that you do think of me sexually; then I want us to spend the rest of the time being normal and not talking or thinking about it at all. It’s absurd; and I know it even when am doing it.

Why am I writing all this? Because on one hand I have complicated a real, nice, intelligent association – though he insists he just wants to hang, unfortunately, I know what will happen next; you see, I set out to do it – and also because I think I might be…

And now, well, am getting happy thoughts that are preventing me fucking blogging. Obviously it means there is a man involved. And yet…

Well, I think right now, I am sort of vulnerable (those who believe in plain speaking – funnily, am supposed to be one such person – they would call this vulnerability, desperation) . If pleasant, intelligent, warm men show general curiosity, I think… I think I begin reading too much into it. It’s ugly accepting that another’s interest could be just (or is) curiosity, but well, no point making an ass of you. (And yet, another’s words ring in my ears, “You have rejection issues that make you run from people…and thereby them reject you.”) Do I really make an ass of me, or do I just assume that am being stupid and therefore run away?

Man! Having a crush is getting more complicated with age. I am not even fucking sure if it’s a crush or rejection issues! Grr…and to think there are those who don’t think like so. Those who are mythically “comfortable with themselves” and therefore don’t think like me. Strangest thing is… I am super confident and super comfortable. Things go all funny only when that three-letter word called MAN enters the picture.

And fuck the crush; even making friends is tough. First, at 28, you are still thinking “making friends”. If that’s not embarrassing enough, you want to behave like a child and have the new person completely to yourself. Sigh. And since all of us have already settled in lives – and most others have more settled lives than mine – people have set circles and set friends and set lives and set fights and set situations… and where the fuck do I fit into all this?

I don’t believe this. At 28, 10 years after school, I am still the new kid in every circle.

PS: Dear Gawd, or the Devil (since complicating things should technically be your department) --- please send Major System Shaking Affair. Let him be really good at keeping my mind involved else I will look for online distraction. Let him also be very good in bed - with me that is - else I shall be tempted to seek elsewhere; definitely fantasise. Let him have female friends who do not have a problem with me; and preferably who don't have a hidden soft-spot for him. Let him have a mother who likes me...if at all I have to meet the dignified lady. Let him have no issues with earning more than me, I promise I won't have any! Let me not think marriage -- unless he is thinking of it too -- and then if I am not thinking of it, let it remain uncomplicated. UFFF. Just let me have something that's good for MY system. I shall try NOT to hurt the other, but take no responsibility. I have been told, we are all adults.

PS 2 ---> And did I add, that I very recently announced, "I might not be on guys' most preferred dream girl list"... Nope. It has to stop. I am actually scared to acknowledge that I am well... not that bad. And quite wantable and keepable and wishable and all other ables. It's my wanting this and that and that too that perhaps causes the constant seeker. Maybe am a committment-phobe too. Hmm. You see, when I got this and that and some of that as well - I still don't sing - I fuckin' want it all too, yeah. And till, as such time, as The One (lol, like in the movies, will mine need convincing too?) appears or sends an email or pings me... I gotta find the good in the lot of them. Or whole lot of them. (bubbling laughter, grows, boils, spills over....ha ha HA HA)

PS 3 ---> Aaaaaaaa.....i went and told him! Told him!!! And he laughed and refused to believe it. Aaaaaa... now, well, he says its reciprocated. But..there is a but. What if all his positive thinking is because he is overworked? And changes his mind? Aaaaaa.... I am so stupid and so embarrassed. No idea what I shall do if he indeed changes his mind... says, "This should be interesting." Aaaaaa....

4 comments:

taurius1 said...

" Why? Am I constantly trying to prove to myself that a man and a woman cannot have a non-sexual relationship; that whether they acknowledge it or not, a sexual attraction/ curiosity is ALWAYS there? Or, as usual, and is constant habit: Is it just me? "

It's not just you. :)
I've never been able to have any relationship with a girl without some non-platonic thoughts creeping in every now and then. It's just not possible for me. :)

taurius1 said...

"I am still the new kid in every circle."

Hehe. Story of my life too. :)

I'e resigned myself to the fact that I am how I am and have stopped trying too hard to fit in. :)

Maxine said...

The Devil must be laughing his ass out for getting another victim for his devilish tactics.
Its true,a man and a woman cannot be just friends,not in their minds.Its all about control and morality.Else the world would be sleeping with every D and C they gets attracted to.
Atlast everything ends up with,i just need a friend to cuddle up at times and if he is looking for similar then yipee!Settledown and explore.

burf said...

i would say don't abuse your own kismet for 2 major reasons:-

1. it is your own
2. it can be worse

anyways, i don't know if it is the prose but your life seems to be a lot complicated... or is it just the words... the writer...