.....

dont want love
dont want money
dont want luck
dont want fame
dont want name

i just want to be held close.
in a way that says that i wont be...that i will be held on to.
in a way that says that holding me feels nice for someone else
that it does not hurt,,,sendin a little softness my way
just a warm, warm, warm hug.

not to be turned around and then done
not to be told "chalo game bajate hain"
not to be kissed
not to be felt up
not to have the boobs squeezed (WHY do men have to do it instantly? Cant you just fucking HOLD the woman instead of going after the boobs instant-fuckin-ly?)
not have a hand running up my back or butt
just fuckin, held close. where i can hear the heart beat.

why is it so tough? affection? and why does it scare people when i am open about it? Sex is no big deal..its just a matter of saying yes... But to be, held. It's tender.

I so miss tender. It's been a while. I am supposed to be kung-fu chick...mata hari... joan of arc..jhansi ki rani...therefore...its presumed that i dont need tenderness.

It's funny...so many people i meet...who have perhaps read the blog, they just want to take me on. Hah. WHY? I ALSO write about wanting to be hugged and loved....HOW come no one wants to pick up on that offer?

And why the fuck do you have to try and put me down? I WILL retaliate and you WILL look like a fool. BUT. Will you hug me? You can insult me as much as you want to... hold me, a minute? Just wrap those arms around me, pull me into you, kiss my forehead, stroke my cheek and cuddle me... And for one honest minute, just let me feel human. Let me belong. Even momentarily.

but you cant can you? haha. of course not. He stopped hugging me when i was 11...the onset of menstruation. It's fucked up. Grown up girls do not hug their fathers. She was never that physically-demonstrative-of-affection. Till thamma (paternal grandma) was alive... she used to oil my hair, smoothen cold cream...and stroke my hair when i went to sleep. she died. way back.

then i made the biggest committment of my life. and he wouldnt touch me. hahahahahahahaha. i tell you. THAT was the biggest joke. he wouldnt touch me. wouldnt hold me. pushed me away.

Bas. aar na. par chi na aar.