Convenience, conscience and self-help Sundays

At times I wonder why people read me. Some write in saying they relate to stuff: am grateful to them for it means there is hope for me and I am not a freak. But I wonder about those who cannot stand what I write and still read me. Or those who have never read a word and still have a problem with it. Like the umpteen who love to announce, "Hey, I really want to read your blog, heard it's all about sex." Funnily, the barbs usually come from women and gays. WHY should people have a problem with what I write? WHY should I write on current affairs and WHY should you want to read it here? Please don't read, I seriously would not care. And even IF it is about sex: what be the problem? The last I checked, cyberspace was free and even if it weren't, your pop sure isn't paying for server space.

Yet, it is somewhat eerie when people come up and say they read me. Because from popular reaction -- strangely, ONLY in the city I live in -- I am being gladly and gleefully, misunderstood; and being commented upon when I have not even been read! Typical of the city to open your trap about things you least know of. But I refuse to feel guilty about the way I think or what I write and how.

"Don't you get tired of doing everything yourself, don't you get lonely?" asked Mom, after I had rattled off my pulled-this-lugged-that list on Sunday. I know where that question is coming from. When Mom was my age, she was married to the man she loved, had a 5-year-old and was expecting her second child. And here I am, going on 29, spouseless, childless and decidedly, prospectless too. Shrug. What can I do Ma, I tried. C'est la vie.

And how does one answer that question? I am meeting many people - men and women - who all want to 'settle down' or are at least open to the idea of looking at a longer, permanent association with another. And yet, all these people seem to be seeking endlessly. If there are so many single, eligible people around, why are there so many people single? At least those in my age group (with broken relationships in the past) seem to have reached a stage where you would rather spend your time and energies building something concrete - like perhaps your career - than run behind idealistic ideas. And even if you meet someone who fits in, there are times when you a tad suspicious or even reluctant to give up your comfortably created security to make space for another.

Then again, there are many Rebound Creating Rebound situations happening around me as well. Boy loves girl (or vice versa). Girl leaves boy. Heartbroken, boy fucks around. Boy finally meets new girl, starts seeing her. New girl falls for boy. Boy does not, still mooning/angry/suspicious about Ex. New girl becomes sad, boy becomes angry. Boy finally dumps new girl saying, "this is not working out". Heartbroken, new girl fucks around. New girl finally meets new boy, dates. New boy falls for girl, who does not reciprocate because... And so on and so forth. Till either partner goes in for arranged marriage, swears to stay single or in some, rare cases, breaks the pattern, finds a partner and lives happily ever after.

And then there are those who want the best of all worlds, like me. I do miss the companionship, shared laughter, together-discoveries and general fun that comes with being with someone. But I do not want a relationship and am not in the market 'looking out'. The other day, a friend of mine -- who has been trying to give me odd-hour back rubs! -- tried to set me up with another friend of his saying, "Considering your situation and his situation, I thought..." Erm, WHAT is the situation? Ha, ha. Just because you are not part of the situation does not mean that the situation is bad. And that is the whole beauty of it. No matter how many think that it is personal writing and whatever, at the end of the day, the situation is only known to me. Loneliness is a state of being and the question being whether you want to share that loneliness with another or not. Some will fit in, some won't. Relationships, thy true name is convenience.

Post Scrap: The Princess filled in the mandatory status report on Self Situation:
Head: Over-analytical. Heart: Hibernating. Torso: Exercising and loving it. :) Conscience: Guilt free. As always.
Continues into Monday morning boos...