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April 16, 2007

Abuse.

Violence is a two way street. It takes one to be violent and another to take that violence. What makes one hit another? What makes a man hit a woman? And why does the woman take it?

I have heard of a married lady who took a beating from her husband daily, for 22 years before walking out. She said she took it for her kids. Another friend was regularly beaten up by her boyfriend. One particular conversation, where she mumbled through the talk because her mouth was swollen shut, I will always remember.
"Why do you take his beating?"
"I love him," she said.
"Why does he beat you if he loves you?"
"He gets angry. He only beats me when he is angry. Otherwise he is ok."
"Have you ever thought of doing something about it? Telling someone?"
"No...actually he is very smart. He never leaves marks. See...my mouth... he punches me on the mouth. It does not leave a cut and still hurts and the mouth just swells up."
"But your mouth is swollen?! How do you explain that to people?"
"I say I bumped into a door."

I have heard many of my women friends declare that they would never take a man beating them. "I will walk out the day my boyfriend/husband/partner raises his hand on me." Or, "I will not take physical abuse, I will report him to the police," and other such things. But the truth about physical abuse is that when it happens, you really ont know what to do. It shocks you into not doing anything. When you are hit by someone who is close, you dont know what hit you. First, you are shocked that a friend/lover/partner has hit you. Not someone you trust to be there for you and protect you. And then there is one slap and there is beating someone.

Nothing can explain or justify to your befuddled brain when the person you love assaults you, repeatedly. When the one you care for pulls you by the hair and throws you on the ground. When you are caught by the collar of your shirt, lifted off the ground and smashed against a wall. It makes your skull swell for two weeks. You cannot sleep on that side, you cannot even comb your hair because it hurts so much. You cannot react or retaliate or say anything when you are held by the hand, made to stand and slapped repeatedly. You really don't know if you are looking at the same person you think you know when the person slaps you then watches your face to see if it's hurting. And then slaps you again and again and again, making your head swing from one side to the other. Ensuring that his fingers imprint on your face. Pleas to stop dont work. The more you say you are being hurt, the more it eggs on the aggressor.

It is the most extreme kind of violation to be hit by the person you love. It is inhuman. Because equality be damned, men are physically stronger than women. And if you happen to be small for your size... One can understand hatred and dislike and losing interest and not wanting to be with someone and falling out of love.... but physical abuse, when it is with the aim to HURT you, you cannot understand that. And violence, once accepted in your life, will always remain. You can do nothing when the other casually threatens over some innocuous argument, "You know I can smash your face. You know I can do it." So you feel scared and you shut up. And you are constantly scared that you would be hurt, because you dont know when he would stop, or at what point.

I want a gun. Because when you are confined in a small space with someone who is coming at you, I dont think love, dignity or even basic respect for another human's life make sense. Then it's just you against me. Physical violence is scary, because once you face it, you're never the same in your life. Any man can hurt you. Any man -- when you are in a confined space with him -- can twist your arm around your back, throw you onto the floor and kick your ribs. Because you dont know if you can trust that 'friend', 'lover', 'boyfriend' again.... because any moment, he could flare up at anything. And it is always your fault.

Men can be the most gentle and loving creatures when they want to be... but when a man becomes a beast, perhaps the only way to handle him is to put him down. I want a gun. And any man who raises his hands on a woman -- especially one who cannot retaliate -- is not fit to be called a man. He is a diseased individual who does not respect another's right to a safe life and has no right to live either. I SO need a gun. Because I cannot live being scared. Because you never know when the next man you meet will hurt you, physically.

It's a shit way to think, but then there are shit men around too. And to the women who take it: You didn't know that he would ever hit you. Are you so sure He will not kill you tomorrow? Once a man crosses that barrier, please remember, he will never stop.

5 comments:

taurius1 said...

It IS horrible when someone you trust and love tries to hurt you for hurt's sake... I've never been able to comprehend it either.

I have a friends who's in an abusive relationship... well... almost. I don't think the guy's too far away from starting the physical abuse. I was at wit's end trying to make the girl in question get out of it. I finally had to back out of it and back off. I couldn't bear to keep seeing what the girl was letting him do to her. >_<

LostLittleGirl said...

Hmm...For various reasons, I have been thinking about this issue for days, but glad that someone put it more succinctly that I ever could. And let's pray for easier gun licensing. :)
For the ones who can't fight it alone .. and unarmed.

Shady said...

The One who takes the beating is still hoping that everything will go right but the only was to set things right is to hit back or leave the person.

clit.chatting said...

@ Shady
Absolutley agreed. Because you keep hoping that the person would either realise their folly or would suddenly wake up one day and say, "Hey, but i love you! How can i hurt you?" But it doesnt stop. And there are many women who stick on because they are scared of leaving -- of what the guy might do in retaliation to not being able to imagine a life without that person.

LostLittleGirl said...

Oh don't be surprised...even if I don't post, will still be lurking on your page to read:)