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April 23, 2007

Monday morning boos....

Goodmorning! It's 8.20 am on a Monday and between finishing my coffee-cigarette-crossword and going for my bath, I am sitting and scribbling in my favourite spiral notebook. Sometimes I wonder if I would write/blog as much if I had someone to discuss all this with. And then maybe perhaps not. There is writing about random things that bounce around your head and there's catching someone to talk to... not the same. While I can write what I want to, talking to another about most things on my mind might not be that conducive an idea.

Imagine a phone conversation that follows thus:

"Hello darling," me on the phone, "Just wanted to talk to you. What do you think of helping an old lady catch an auto on the street? All because you suddenly get a vision of your old parents standing with loaded bags and bent backs in the scorching heat while the autodrivers sat around, cleaning their teeth or their ears or scratching their lice-infected balls? And no one bothers a fuck that those old people -- your parents -- could most definitely pass out in the heat? Have you ever wondered, darling, that Life is so funny: you have children, bring them up and when you need them the most -- like when standing in the heat waiting for an auto - your children are busy with their own lives..maybe even blogging about relationship problems. And partying every night while you lose sleep over them?"

Nope, I don't think I can 'talk' about what I think and write about to anyone. And that is perhaps why the idea of waking up with anyone beside me is making me extremely nauseous... Firstly, what is the whole point? And secondly, while I want to feel all the nice things of being with someone, but I dont want to at the same time as it seriously defocusses me. I am not one born with a silver spoon but I've had a very comfortable life. And yet, things and Life and money are frivolous companions. So I cannot lose focus -- ever again or for a very, very long time -- because I cannot leave my parents alone and helpless. They are proud, self-made people...and now it is my turn.

I am not smart enough for quick schemes and am painfully perfectionist to use someone else's work to grow or for that matter use short cuts. And since I would always be thinking of ulterior motives if someone tried to godfather/mother me...that is out as well. So hard work is the only option left for me;and am not scared. I so want to, too. And let no one stand in the way. 2006 made me realise that I can have a really mean, vicious streak to me... just that I need to develop it further. And I am quite looking forward to using it as well, for better or for someone else's worse. No one thinks/takes me as a 'sweet' girl. I am not a sweet girl: so fucking try? The blog is meant to provoke, irritate, make you barf, curse me, even start a campaign against me. But you will not ignore me.
Post scrap: And the Princess said, "Fuck You, I enjoy it too."


gaurav said...

mmm...disgustin..but can i chat with u pls

Raccoon said...

so what made you think that being in a relationship would be detrimental to you earning money/getting a more comfortable lifestyle? I pursued that line of thought when i was 24. In a few years I realized that life goes on, irrespective. Only it is happier if you wake up next to someone.

I brought this book called 'Relationships' by Dr Tony Lake from a garage sale very recently. I have it open in front of me as I type out stuff from the jacket:
'Relationships enable us, first, to meet our need to maintain and improve a standard of life which is acceptable to us and, secondly, to have freedom of action, whether our relationship with somebody is based on power, give-and-take or love.'

And I agree with this.

Amit said...

Why is cleavage a label for this post?

clit.chatting said...

@ Amit
because i like the word

@ Gaurav
you are "chatting" with me

@ Racoon
Hmm, not ALL relationships... but at least the one's that I had been in so far, took much in terms of mind space and otherwise to be able to think something else. What you are saying -- and what the book says -- are right. WHEN in a good relationship...it works as your strength, something that you fall back on or something that let's you breathe easier when other things start getting troublesome. It's a different kind of contentment, stepping out of the house, knowing there's someone waiting there. But. that's a good relationship....
And my fight HAS been trying to have both the worlds....so far, the Other has never been able to handle it.

Raccoon said...

I hear you when you say when a relationship takes up too much mindspace, it could hamper normal life.

But I think any relationship..good or bad...takes up a lot of mindspace in the initial days when everything else sort of becomes a blur. Once you get comfortable with the idea of giving a new relationship some mindspace AND (which I think is very important) making some more room in your mind for the eccentricities of the person you're waking up with, you're on your way.

After you get comfortable in co-existing, it relegates itself to the background and lets the usual business of living take over - an analogy that comes to mind is that little machine that keeps churning out air bubbles in an aquarium - its damn important for the survival of the fish, even a little eye-catching when you first get an aquarium but after a few days, you see only the fish - all those bubbles keep happening in the background.