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April 30, 2007

Wondering about True Love in disguise....

Some of us are lucky to find the love of our lives. Then there are those who spend their entire lives in the mistaken belief that they are with the love of their lives. They are lucky too; or at least luckier than the souls who wander around either searching for TL (True Love) or repeatedly looking for it in the wrong places or from the wrong people. False belief is far better than losing the belief. Perhaps…

What makes a person fall in love with the 'wrong' people, again and again? Or rather not so much wrong as not right for them? The situations where on the face of it everything seems perfect and yet there is that often overrated, mysterious 'something' missing. Despite having an idea of who or what we want to love, we still end up investing our emotions, effort and time in places where the quest for love will only disappoint us. Or is it because we 'have' a clear idea that we fall for the Mr/Miss Not-That-Right?

You are so certain that your TL is supposed to be an adventurer that when you meet the horticulturist who might be just right for you, you fail to recognize or even give him/her the benefit of doubt because who ever heard of aloe vera being as adventurous as base jumping? Or over the years, the idea of what your ideal relationship will/should be is so fixated that accommodating a different view, a different way and a different picture often becomes an existential issue. When you meet something/someone different that could perhaps be equally good for you, your system goes into denial. How could this be? My TL is supposed to be roses and wine… it didn't talk about McDonald's burgers and video games!
Then of course there is Richard Bach and the likes of him who further promote intolerance-towards-the-wrong-one by propounding the Theories of Soul Mate.
Your soul mate will be your mirror image. What if that image is a little skewed?
Your soul mate will know things about you instinctively. What if that instinct needs a little awakening?
Your soul mate will love/hate the same things. What if he loves one of the things you hate?Maybe your TL is in disguise or let's say has not washed his/her face so you cant see them clearly yet... Maybe The things you want, wish and seek ARE there in them, just need a little scraping-off-the-surface before you can spot them. Is it worth walking away from something that can be, but might take a little time, just because you cant see all the merits initially... It is scary for sure.
Each time we invest in the wrong person, we are so scared to ever try again that even though there might be merit in a relationship, we are afraid of waiting it out. We are scared that we could be wrong all over again and we dont even wait to find out. It becomes a question of emotional survival.
"I dont want to get hurt therefore I will not try". That has been my motto for sometime and though I reconsider it from time to time, the fear keeps me happily single. Happily? Do love and survival have to be mutually exclusive? Why can't we love and wait to see if the slightly-wrong-for-me person does turn out to be the TL...? Can I do that?


Raccoon said...

I think the more fixated we become about the characteristics of our TL-to be, the more impossible it becomes to find someone who matches that to a T.

mirror images - sometimes we have to accept that the mirror can be a little concave or convex and learn to pose accordingly in front of the mirror

instinctive about your needs - it often takes time to awaken instincts.

I do think that a TL is one you love yakking to and deifinitely miss yakking to when not around/in a tiff. Also someone who feels the same about you.

I agree that starting relationships again and again can be very daunting - all that time and energy invested is not easy to recoup/redeploy. If only people had the patience to wait for some time rather than upping and leaving at the slightest provocation

clit.chatting said...

... or fall for the first one they meet... @ Racoon

Probashi said...

Was it freud who said that you can never forget your first love? Anyway, he was right. I clearly remember the feeling. Unfortunately, I don't recall her face at all.

Amit said...

These thoughts and such thoughts are quite symptomatic of a life well lived and then loneliness creeping up in the late twenties. Maybe different in your case, but have seen so many such situations that i cant help but seeing a trend

serendipity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
serendipity said...

I think there's a difference between Mr Right and Mr Right Now and lots of women fail to make that distiction but it is very important to know that even True Love might not seem like it in the beginning...it takes some time and considerable effort. But it is worth waiting for, if you feel the vibes. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince...ahem! ok that might be too sappy :P

Raccoon said...

@clit.chatting: falling for the first one one meets is then taking it to the other extreme of desperation, no?

So maybe there should be a gestation period of feeling continually good about someone, coupled with some due-diligence into the claims made by him/her.

I somehow dont subscribe the theory of kissing a lot of frogs - sometimes one must realize that they're frogs too, and losing out on traction as they become older frogs unless as lucky as Demi Moore. But then you cant be on the other end and compromise just for companionship.

clit.chatting said...

"cant be on the other end and compromise just for companionship."

THAT, unfortunately, is the truth about a lot of relationships, particularly if said relationships are tagged as 'marriage'.

Do read: For Whom The Bells Toll