Thinking sleep and blue balls

It's 11.09 pm, Monday night, and I am FORCING myself to get to bed...without music and the cellphone switched off. (You can see how much forcing, am sitting and blogging!)… I have not slept for three nights now, except for a brief passing out period last night for about three hours. And no, it was not sex. (Wry smile) Not even shagging I tell you. (Close to tears now, changes topic) AAAAAAARGH.
What do you think?! Just because a woman doesn’t get blue balls doesn’t mean…. !!!!! K

Ufffffffff. I am at times so pissed with myself -- this is still writing sex but what the heck, now the thought's there in my head -- that now, when without doing shit I have lost weight and am enjoying the way I look and from the looks around it looks as if others are enjoying my looks as well.... My fucking CONSCIENCE wakes up. Or whatever else you want to call it. :(

NO. It's not love I am looking for, not marriage, but even to have sex.... I NEED a kind of reassurance that I cannot spell out. I am not talking about 'how long will you last'. That reminds me... someone recently told me that he was skeptical about the sexual chemistry we might share because he (thought he) had read that one of my happiest bed-sessions had lasted for 7 hours non-stop. Erm, no! It was longer, but with, you know, the usual breathers, the water drinking, smoking, maybe talk a little, laugh some more… then get back to the rhythm and oohs. And please, neither have I ‘tried’ a whole lot of stuff that I know happens and can be done/had done to you. Am pretty much ‘normal’ in what I like, uhm… definitely acrobatic mind you (hahaha), but pretty much straight. But now, casual has just lost its charm. There has to be camaraderie, even if longevity does not figure in the discussions. And anyway I don’t see it happening with the men in this city. It hasn’t happened in the last ten years.

Hmm…. Still cant sleep. Now it’s 11.30, changed the music, currently this mad number called Power (by well, Porno) is playing. While the vocals are pretty average and could have been done without, the base track and this one bit they repeat… quite nice. My arse is hurting with sitting up against the wall on a very hard bed and the lappy on my pillow, which is on my lap. (too many details) So now I am trying to read my own writing to see if it puts me to sleep….

At least I am yawning. Hmmm… and some parts, I am repetitive. (Not nice at all) And, oh lawrd. I have done it. How typically, bloody woman of me. After all this talk and all these attempts, the first fucking chance and I gave in. And not once, I had a go at it twice. Despite saying that I won't. There, the internal woman shows through! Given one bloody chance to bitch and I went for it. Hmmm. Haha. :) Fucking good for me. :)

I 'got' personal, vis-a-vis people - two women - on the blog. Firstly, I had told myself I wouldn't ever bitch or get personal, as in not directly. Then I went ahead and did it and even announced here that it was "the first and last time" I was getting personal. And well, went and did it again in the very next post. See so far, hardly anyone can point to another person and say "You have been mentioned on the blog." Unless I have been tactless. And that would be no mistake or coincidence. So, say for example, if I speak of Could-Be-Trouble... at any given time, so many men I know fit that description that it would be hard to tell. (Phew!) And anyway I don't think 'that' circle and my ‘this’ world -- well at least to a large extent I hope! – don’t exactly mix. I am not read there. And thank god.

That apart, I am an arsehole, healthwise. Too much caffeine, too little food, too much dancing, too little sleep, too much stress, too little peace, too much Internet, too little real interactions (it's just Golu Dawg and me)... Hmmm. And I am giving up on some stuff. I realized, I really love my body. Not giving up cigarettes, not yet, will cut down on them though. Hmm. But I just noticed that I have not used the word 'never' when saying I would give up on stuff. Hmmm....

Am in a generally Hmmm-ing mood. Erm... does anyone feel that you would lose out on time if you sleep? :O I feel that ALL the time... But yes, that’s no excuse to not sleep. :( So am going to bed …and now someone calls ‘Tiesto Rules’ has messaged me on myspace so am publishing this and loggin off and going to bed. Hmmm.