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May 17, 2007

Could I be... manic depressive?

What if you were suddenly told that what you do...who you think you are...could all blow up in your face? Because WHO you are is ... a figment of your stressd out brain. Bipolarity apparently leads to creativity.... is that why I am writing so much? It might not be award winning writing, but people ARe reading.... BUT.....is it me or is it a fucking disease?

Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include (but in no way are limited to):
persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation and/or hopelessness

disturbances in sleep = I do 2-4 hours every night...
and appetite = lost 27 kgs in a year and a half
loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities (i DONT cook or bake anymore, and it was sustenance),
problems concentrating, loneliness, apathy or indifference, depersonalization,
loss of interest in sexual activity,
social anxiety (i AVOID people),
irritability (OH GOD),
chronic pain (with or without a known cause --- MY BACK PAIN),
lack of motivation (OH GOD. I GET BORED LIKE ...THAT with anything),
and morbid/suicidal ideation: OH GOD. Read my posts... not suicidal but the reference to death.

i am very very scared now.

People having a manic episode of mood can be elated, euphoric, irritated and/or suspicious. There will be an increase in physical and mental rate and quality. Increased energy and over-activity is common; speech can become racing. The need for sleep is reduced. Attention span is low and easily distracted. Unrealistic, grandiose or over optimistic ideas may be voiced or attempted (This entire thing that i have decided...the blog, the writing, the dogs, the beaten up women).
Social skills are impaired, and impractical ideas may lead to financial and relationship indiscretions (oh well, nothing lasts).

i am FREAKING out here people....SERIOUSLY freaking out. Am I writing so much because i am a manic depressive? Is the so-called creativity a product of a,... crazed brain? Oh god. I am basing a whole lot on WHAT i can do... IS IT ALL FUCKING IMAGINED????

Hypomania
...less of the symptoms of mania than those in a full-blown manic episode. This is often a very 'artistic' state of the disorder, where there is a flight of ideas, extremely clever thinking, and an increase in energy. DOES THAT MEAN THAT ONE DAY I MIGHT JUST STOP WRITING...BECAUSE...THERE WONT BE ANYTHING?

Mixed state (psychiatry)
In the context of bipolar disorder, a mixed state is a condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously (for example, agitation, anxiety, aggressiveness or belligerence, confusion, fatigue, impulsiveness, insomnia, irritability, morbid and/or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, persecutory delusions, pressured speech, racing thoughts, restlessness, and rage).[6]
Mixed episodes can be the most volatile of the bipolar states, as moods can easily and quickly be triggered or shifted. Suicide attempts, substance abuse, and self-mutilation may occur during this state.

Hmm...so if this cannot be controlled...basically means that no matter what you (meaning, I) do, you will keep fucking up. Shit. Shit. Shit. Called my dad, asked him if we had a family history. He says no.... BUT... were they looking for it? ...
Well... i guess i might as well write for as long as i can..or i dont know. many typos in this...i loggin in to write the post i wrote last night... at 4am in the morning. NOW...i dont know.... am i writing out my madness before people?

5 comments:

taurius1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
taurius1 said...

This is funny, in a way... I was feelin like this about one year ago. I used to keep hanging out in the most obscure communities, talking to random people most of the day. That, and used to spend most of my time wondering why I kept doin that when I could just as easily have gone out of th ehouse and done something to kill my boredom, or whatever it was that was making me stay at my PC nearly 15 hours a day doing nothing productive at all!

I grew out of it, though. Most things pass as a phase, right?
And you DO love writing, correct? So enjoy whatever you're doing while it lasts. :)

NAFO! said...

It's strange how when you hear a bunch of symtoms for a disease (real or imagined) they can uncannily pertain to you. I thought i had OCD once, cause everytime i get into a car, regardless of how many times i've been in it before, I HAVE to look into the glove box, ashtray or any other compartments in reach. Turns out i'm just an annoying dick.

On a slightly related note, a friend of mine was diagonsed (falsely - he was just conning welfare) with Social Anxiety Disorder, or SAD. cracks me up every time. SAD!

shveta said...

Sometimes i think life pushes one to insanity and then has the audacity to question ones madness!Its just life running us down and we racting like normal human beings, maybe they call it 'Schizophrenia, 'Dablee depression' and 'Social Anxiety Disorder'.But we know, calling Life names is not gonna let us get our way!! So we just gotta live it,lump it and fight it our way no matter what new fangled eponym we inspire !!

whitelight said...

Reads like a detailed psychiatry lesson.

isn't wiki the greatest thing ever invented!!???