Don't want to be self-sufficient!

No particularly coherent thought or particular thought for that matter.
I feel drained.
Once upon a time, I had wished that my life was happening and now I wish there wasn't so much happening. And nothing is necessarily in a good or a bad way.
I've realised that one of the major reasons I cannot get to sleep is because I constantly wake up with an "oh shit" feeling.
Like, 'oh shit, am i late for work?"
Oh shit my horoscope sucks... so then I will read 3-4 different ones and finally realise that my stars are confused because all four would read different.
Oh shit someone is calling me...
Oh shit I left the phone charging through the night
Oh shit Golu has gone after yet another shoe
And so on and so forth...

So now I want two days... at least... where I just sleep... no water pump, no landlords' calls, no wondering if I am justifying my job, no autowalah-haggling, no waking up with the maid banging, no kids to kick the gate on Sundays (neighbours' kids), no Golu Dawg to put his nose in my mouth to wake me up or slap me... he paws me full in the face if I dont wake up with the nose treatment; I feel like a mom. :(

I just want to sleep. I am so tired. And I want to chuck it all up and run to Mamma and sleep late and wake up late and have Bhai make my coffee and mom irritate about breakfast and Papa scowl at the paper... Where a good job done was a very neat homework and every, single cake I baked was polished so fast, you'd think there was no cake. Or for that matter anything I cooked. Where I could throw my clothes around the room -- LIKE A MAN -- and not bother that later, I would have to pick them up! I HAD never, ever thought about WHO paid the electricity bill...as in who stood in the queue and all. Yes, yes, there are e-payments and all, but I dont trust those.

I want to go back home.

I DON'T want to do everything. I don't want to be self-sufficient, I want to be happy NOT knowing something. I don't want to be able to manage it all... 10 years that I have been doing it and now I seem to have become so good at it that am scared that whatever years are left will be the same too. Self-Sufficient Single woman. (Caricature of self, 20 years from now says, "And look, I have four dildos for variety!")

This is not feeling lonely. This is just being very tired of doing everything myself. Uff. Sucks.

Or maybe I don't want to go home -- Mamma will hound to eat three meals and I simply cannot -- and Papa and I would get into way too many arguments that would always end with "Don't forget I am your Dad!" hahaha. :D Women grow up pampering men's egos, I tell you. :) Strange, I am missing them and I want to go back then I think about all the quirks, all the nagging, get horrified and find it funny... don't think either party can readjust to living together again. Sigh. But they're too cute and funny.

And maybe, I just want to vanish. Like. Poof!
Hmm.

PS: How to poof Golu Dawg?