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May 31, 2007

Don't want to be self-sufficient!

No particularly coherent thought or particular thought for that matter.
I feel drained.
Once upon a time, I had wished that my life was happening and now I wish there wasn't so much happening. And nothing is necessarily in a good or a bad way.
I've realised that one of the major reasons I cannot get to sleep is because I constantly wake up with an "oh shit" feeling.
Like, 'oh shit, am i late for work?"
Oh shit my horoscope sucks... so then I will read 3-4 different ones and finally realise that my stars are confused because all four would read different.
Oh shit someone is calling me...
Oh shit I left the phone charging through the night
Oh shit Golu has gone after yet another shoe
And so on and so forth...

So now I want two days... at least... where I just sleep... no water pump, no landlords' calls, no wondering if I am justifying my job, no autowalah-haggling, no waking up with the maid banging, no kids to kick the gate on Sundays (neighbours' kids), no Golu Dawg to put his nose in my mouth to wake me up or slap me... he paws me full in the face if I dont wake up with the nose treatment; I feel like a mom. :(

I just want to sleep. I am so tired. And I want to chuck it all up and run to Mamma and sleep late and wake up late and have Bhai make my coffee and mom irritate about breakfast and Papa scowl at the paper... Where a good job done was a very neat homework and every, single cake I baked was polished so fast, you'd think there was no cake. Or for that matter anything I cooked. Where I could throw my clothes around the room -- LIKE A MAN -- and not bother that later, I would have to pick them up! I HAD never, ever thought about WHO paid the electricity bill...as in who stood in the queue and all. Yes, yes, there are e-payments and all, but I dont trust those.

I want to go back home.

I DON'T want to do everything. I don't want to be self-sufficient, I want to be happy NOT knowing something. I don't want to be able to manage it all... 10 years that I have been doing it and now I seem to have become so good at it that am scared that whatever years are left will be the same too. Self-Sufficient Single woman. (Caricature of self, 20 years from now says, "And look, I have four dildos for variety!")

This is not feeling lonely. This is just being very tired of doing everything myself. Uff. Sucks.

Or maybe I don't want to go home -- Mamma will hound to eat three meals and I simply cannot -- and Papa and I would get into way too many arguments that would always end with "Don't forget I am your Dad!" hahaha. :D Women grow up pampering men's egos, I tell you. :) Strange, I am missing them and I want to go back then I think about all the quirks, all the nagging, get horrified and find it funny... don't think either party can readjust to living together again. Sigh. But they're too cute and funny.

And maybe, I just want to vanish. Like. Poof!

PS: How to poof Golu Dawg?


Anders said...

oh dear oh dear don't I recognize the poof feeling and I don't even have a dog... remember to leave pellets and a credit card for future pellets for the dog. But dear JB we have reasons to be here despite the wellness experienced in loneliness. We have marks to make and tracks to press into the earth soft and muddy. We'll leave indents too so unmistakably ours that no one will misunderstand and everyone will know and cherish us for our love and understanding of the world per se

Anonymous said...

Umm, hello. C'est moi. Self-sufficiency over-rated? You know I'm standing on the other end of scale feeling a similar or perhaps more overwhelming (are you reading panic) sense of 'WHAT?'.

But you know this well. Considering that you spent an hour telling me - be very sure. :) Love. Forever. Sorry, I'm always so bloody inaccessible on the other side of the world.

Anonymous said...

P.S: The Love. Forever. bit was for you. In the previously posted piece it wasn't meant to refer to the context of the conversation we had last week.

clit.chatting said...

Baby Girl!!!!!!

So cool to see you here! And don't go worrying about being inaccessible etc. You are THERE and I know it... and YOU know it too...that am here, ya? And what we spoke about last week: you know the deal, ANYTIME, any decision, won't budge from your side. come hell, high water or who ever.
Love you a lot girlie. Forever, wherever..... (miiiiiiissssssss you)

Anonymous said...

(now I know what the expression shit-eating grin feels like).


Misssssss you too.

(sibilancy feels sooooo good)

whitelight said...

Infected Mushroom is getting popular I guess. Even tradition rock listeners are raving about it.

whitelight said...

about their new album.

dRoZzY!!! said...

this is the best one (post)...
top down!

i can co-relate.
i was away from home for six long frikkin years.
from food to laundry...
from dusting to electricity bills...
from one empty lpg cylinder to another empty one...
from one lonely hungry night to another filling sexful one...
i did it all, i did it all.

then one fine day my job got me back home. to my old room. where i had a TV, an a/c and loads o' peace.
i stayed home for a good 2 years.
then... moved to mumbai. an amazing job. the city sucked. women sucked. i made my work suck go get back home once again...

another year at home and now i am going again. it's again about more money and new people. i hope the new country holds me back.

my life has to be a sine wave. stability sucks.

PS: compressing an mp3 song does not reduce the size. download kailasa from www(dot)cooltoad(dot)com
user: drozzy
pass: drozzy

psss... i could've send the song. but on second thoughts i guessed not sending it was the best way to get you back to my blog