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May 14, 2007

Lazy me, crazy me

The problem with being in love...especially if it's a new kinda feeling... is that you keep imagining something is going wrong. Or has gone wrong. Or will go wrong. Or maybe it's just pessimistic me. Uffff.

Ah. Then there is writer's block and there is a blocked writer. Feedback is like a one-way street, once you start getting it and listening to it...you will either carry on doing as is or stop to consider. As far as I am concerned, feedback is confusing me. Everyone - wellwishers and those who wish me in a well - have something to say about what I write and even how I write. From "Why do you always write on relationships" to suggestions to NOT write as and when thoughts strike me but wait it out till the next day, people have come up with all sorts of suggestions. Result? A very confused me. In any case there are a thousand thoughts in the head and to top that if people start telling me what to do... Well...I cannot write.

So I have decided, TILL the time someone does not decide to publish me - Hahahahaha - I am not listening to feedback. I will write as and how and whatever, and well, those who dont want to read it.... Dont. :) It's so easy. This IS my space. Consequently, here is ALL that has been going on in my head... make what you guys want to make of it....ALL sorts of thoughts...ALL over the place... Sigh. Cant get a grip on a single thought....

Thankfully though, as far as people are concerned, my ENTIRE focus is on ONE guy. Yes my dearies, this Clit is currently mentally engaged, very engaged. There are knocks, persistent ones on the heart - he is forever and everyday doing something or the other rather adorable!!! - but Eve* is scared. And it's a funny kinda feeling....nice even.

Oh oh oh oh... here is my current state of mind. Three different posts, none completed or not the way I was originally planning. So I stopped planning and stopped exactly where the thinking got painful... so kinda disjointed thoughts, though i think (think!) they make sense. (erm) Brickbats welcome, dont expect me to react to them though. Irritate me, eh! :D
Inconclusively Yours,
C.C aka Eve* aka "OO"

12th May 2007: Post 1
Consciousness, awareness, education are perhaps the most underrated players in the Fucking Up of the Human race. The moment of awareness or awakening might as well be the beginning of the end and other similar cliches. As long as you walk around unaware, incognizant of what's around you, you will be absolutely fine - the You, being the collective of your ego, conscience and subsconcious. The moment you open your eyes and your mind, consciousness begins to make itself felt. As long as you are unaware, you can live in your idyllic coccoon and feel protected, safe and maybe even laugh at those who mope around you.
"Why do you cry?" you say, "The world is beautiful and whatever bad is there, is there for others. Here! Have an icecream and come let's chill together."
And then, one fine or not so fine day, you (suddenly) realise that everything is really not that beautiful. You become Conscious: of inadequacies in you, the incompetency of the other and the general lackadaisacalness of life around you. And the moment you are conscious, Happiness and staying aloof become a laboured attempt.

Like you realise you could just be another "has been" or "was" in a matter of minutes. A heart attack at 30. A sudden choking. Car accident at 24. You become Aware that Life will always have the upper hand over you. No matter how much you plan and decide and chalk out; it could all go kaput in a matter of seconds. And you feel scared. Consciousness and cognizance bring vulnerability with them.

And awareness by itself is a double-edged rapier. For awareness comes with responsiblity as an attachment. And that's always a pain in the arse. Once you become aware, sitting on your arse becomes a constant pain. And for those who don't feel the responsibility, perhaps you aren't aware yet. And it's not just awareness about the latest headlines in the papers, or the problems of the world (which are unique for every, single individual and consequently there are a hell of a lot of problems) or what George Bush or the latest political darling, Mayawati, are up to.

Awareness could also be about yourself. Maybe you finally are aware that you cannot be loved. That it is so, so tough for people to love you for WHAT you are that you would perhaps be blogging for the rest of your life as those who read your first read it alone, then with their partners, and then if you are still around and blogging, will pass on the link to their children and say, "See, this is what happens when you cannot be loved: you blog the same thing since 2007."
Maybe you become aware that you are the weakest link. And that you don't know what to do. That no matter how much you try, there's always someone smarter than you out there. And let's not even talk about beautiful women. I have realised - become aware - that men will do ANYTHING for a beautiful woman. And well, I am pretty, pretty attractive, but I am under no delusions of being "beautiful". Therefore, no hopes of having some guy going crazy moving the world for me. Nah. And if, IF at all, there is someone for whom perhaps I might be very 'beautiful'...well, I have not met him yet. My earlier boyfriend's mother constantly told me how much her son loved the PREVIOUS girlfriend because she was very beautiful. And she looked at me rather pitifully. Well, THAT girl was ALSO a schizo. Hmmm. But such things stay...no matter how confident you are, some barbs...they haunt. Anyway... You see, at least till the time you are not aware of all this, you can at least HOPE to be loved...
And education? Well,the more educated you are, the more you will be underpaid. Or so is the case with me. Thankgod I did not go in for a post-grad.

12th May 2007: Post 2: All over-the-fucking-place
At times, there is just SO much love to give and to share and to lavish upon... that it all starts bottling up inside and begins to push, push, push...push the organs down through my body, begins to squeeze the heart within the rib cage and threatens to flood the lungs with its own fluid. And then at times I wish I could just puke it all out so that there won't be anything more to feel.

Much as I try today, to control my thoughts and string then together into one sentence and eventually a paragraph, I cannot as my mind refuses to be tamed by my pen today. It's all over the place. Under normal circumstances, I would not write. But I need to write...as neither the circumstances nor me, are normal. And since the mind is all over the place, so is the post. Possible excuse for a bad, disjointed post? Perhaps. Shrug. Sue me, hang me, whatever!

"Why do you use so much 'fuck' in what you write? I read 8 posts and found 18 fuck references in it. Any explaination?" Erm, yes... you read 8 posts...to find fucks? Hah. But did you get the fucking point? The word does a fucking good job in helping me put my point across. It helps cut through the fucking chase and get to the point. Now I coudl say the word does a "bloody"good job for instance, but it's not the same thing as a "fucking good job". Like when someone really pisses you off, nothing, no reprimand works as well as a "Fuck You" or a "Fuck Off". Of course it IS rude. But then, why would you want to be polite when you are asking someone to Fuck Off?

12th May 2007: Post 3: "Wake me up before I change again", Infected Mushroom
"I think you are impulsive and impermanent." But what if I love you?
Repulsive: "Your pirate laugh is ugly."
Impertinent
Adventurous
Egotistic
garrulous: "Dont talk in class, go and stand outside!"
deathly silence: "Are you alright? Why are you so silent today? It's not normal. Are you alright?"
words
constant thoughts: "Will anyone miss me if I die? How long will they miss me?"
networking: if i vanish, who will run my communities on Orkut?
And Golu Dawg?!
kadhai chicken and soggy rice
Cold Coffee and mango squash
Club Pasha, Ministry of Sound Dance Nation 2006
my Prince
Georgie porgy pudding and pie
jhoom barabar jhoom sharabi
Classic Milds and Sriniwaspuri
Portnoy's Complaint in High Fidelity
Rads: you are ugly inside, ugly like me
The Last Song Of Dusk
DJ.....I LOVE you
Motor Mouth :)
"There is no shame in asking your parents for money, no ego." : Mamma.
"Don't forget, I am STILL your father." : Papa
"Why are you SO stupid, woman?: Bro
"Your intentions are right, but between your intentions and output, something happens." : Boss
lifestyle
no life, faff style
murder in Kolkata
Accident at Mica
Arrest in new delhi
heart attack, crushed to death, over dose
Adopt A Stray
"He rapes me every night when my daughter is away...anally": Maid, age, 50 years.

"Isko to khade khade chuswana chahiye" - Senior colleague ... LITERAL translation: "She should be made to stand and suck". You, BASTARD.

Post scrap: Over.

3 comments:

Raccoon said...

so I hope he gets to keep you!

Anders said...

please keep him

whitelight said...

I dont know. It feels as if you've been listening to a lot of Patti Smith.

"Jesus died for somebody's sins but not mine".

The most iconic opening line ever.