F*****g illogical irritating items...

... that PISS me off! Gnnnnnnaaaash.

1. No milk, sugar or coffee when you are dying for your morning cuppa. Or even worse, one little cup of milk left and just when you’re about to pour it in the cup, either you drop the pan or upturn the filled-up cup. (Lord save the others on such a day)

2. The maid turning up late or not coming in at all, on days you especially need her to come early. Like when there are guests coming and there’s dog poo/pee on the terrace.

3. Finding your phone outgoing suddenly barred without any intimation the shits would bar it. THEN finding weird parallel phone connections on your cellphone. (Vodafone sucks) Or a new battery dying – despite charging – just when you’re expecting an important call or are in the middle of one.

4. Laptop battery dying when you’re filing official story. And of course it’s always when you are just about to save your work. Or a laptop that needs constant power backup else wouldn’t work (why the fuck is it a laptop then?!)

5. Too much static in your hair with it standing on all sides, on a day you need it to look good. And of course, it’s always on these days that people decide to pat you on the head. Result? Backless dress and hair standing at an end giving you the just-been-electrocuted look. And then, standing under the a-c draft in restaurants and the hair blowing out in all directions...

6. Applying a lot of mascara and getting a bug in your eyes two minutes before entering a party. Result? Your eyes water, you HAVE to rub and carefully done-up makeup runs down your face. Of course it was supposedly water-proof mascara.

7. Sudden pimple on your upper lip on an Important Public Appearance day. Any use of camouflaging tactics will only make the pimple more obvious. Also, has anyone noticed how pimples/ zits ALWAYS appear on the Most Conspicuous part of your face? Like the nose.

8. Sudden potty pressure when you are especially far away from any toilet. Like sitting in an autorickshaw, when stuck in a jam, on a fly-over. OR, running late, getting sudden potty pressure, running into the loo, pulling down panty hose, panicking you’re getting really late… and then nothing happens.

9. Going to work with new ideas and a Plan For The Day… and either the boss asking you to do something else, not do anything or the Internet crashing therefore ensuring you cant do anything. I HATE non-productive days at work.

10. YouTube videos refusing to open despite a 256 kbps broadband connection. And then if at all they do open, your laptop hangs.

11. People who SMS after two years and expect you to have their numbers saved. If you’re sending a bloody SMS, why the fuck cant you send your name with it?

12. Stepping on dog pee/poo in your best shoes that have just been polished and not finding anything to clean it with. And of course you smell of poo for the rest of the day and get weird looks from people. OR, stepping on dog piss/poo when you’re walking around in socks. Eww.

13. Your only cigarette falling into the shit-pot or getting wet… And it’s either too late or too early for any goddamn shop to be open. Ditto with your last box of matches and of course you cannot find a lighter anywhere…

14. Lighters and match boxes being borrowed by people at parties and mysteriously vanishing just when you need to light your bloody cigarette. IF you are a bloody smoker, fucking carry your own matches. Stupid people should NOT smoke. (And people who smoke aren’t stupid? Nevermind)

15. A power cut when you’re just 15 minutes from filing your copy and have already told your boss it’ll be in his inbox soon. And then, when you’re explaining your position two hours later on Google talk, the bloody chat tool develops “technical problems” and does not let you reconnect. Or “remote host not allowing connection” on your anytime-anywhere data card.

16. Bladder pressure at 4 am… and it’s fucking cold and you're bloody warmly tucked in. Then walking into the loo and stubbing your toe on a bucket of cold water causing cold water to splash all over you. THEN stepping out of the loo and Point 12 happening…

17. A run in your stockings that you notice half-way to an interview/ party. And being five feet tall the goddamn thing reaches right under your bra strap effectively removing any chances of removing it… If at all you notice at home, you are already late and have not considered another coordinated outfit, because of course you were not considering having runny stockings now, were you? Grrr.

18. Entire nail polish bottle upturning on your favourite dress… Or on your dog. THEN if you use acetone to remove it, the dress material gets all crinkled. As for the dog, the acetone goes to its head and it starts spinning madly…

19. Sitting for sophisticated dinner with sophisticated people, sipping sophisticated wine/ champagne and like a dolt, knocking over the wine/ champagne bottle. And in embarrassment to mop it up, breaking their beautiful crystal ware… (Shudder)

20. Dog deciding to howl on top of its lungs just when neighbour celebrates kid’s birthday on terrace opposite yours. Of course the neighbour considers a howling dog to be a bad omen, usually symbolizing death. And the shit wouldn’t shut up!

21. People calling 17 times, non-stop AFTER you have disconnected them the first time. GET the fucking message you idiot.

22. Running out of the bath, shampoo in hair, cold draught on your naked arse, slipping over lazy lying dogs to answer the phone and it either shuts off or is a bloody telemarketeer. I swear if I EVER lay my hands on them… (Preferably when not naked)

23. No candles in the house when the power’s out. Or finding candles and no matches. Or only matches falling into pot. Or no power JUST when you are about to apply makeup… and no candles etc.

24. People deciding to go for after-dinner walks and you are the only one in 6-inch heels. Then being called a spoil sport for not joining. DUH.

25. Being invited for a kickass pool party… and you beginning to leak on that day. And THEN having to baby sit irritating kids of irritating woman BECAUSE “You are not getting in the pool are you?”

26. A full ashtray upturning on your bed, everyday. And the day you avoid and rejoice your dog comes running into the room and does it anyway. Dogs somehow NEVER miss full, upturnable ashtrays.

27. DVD player not letting you change region code for unfathomable reasons. Or suddenly playing a DVD and then suddenly stopping when you get all excited, for unfathomable reasons.

28. Women who leave toilet seats wet in restaurant loos… So you weren’t bathing in there sistah, HOW did you get the bloody seat wet?

29. Women opening taps on full gush in pubs and the water sprinkling all over your white top. And, blob of chocolate/ coffee/ other stainable substance falling on your boob, right on the nipple and of course you are again wearing white.

30. A whole lot of unwhipped, forming-over-cooling-milk cream getting into your mouth when you’re having coffee. You spluttering it out in disgust and it landing on person opposite you.

All of the above – or a whole lot of them – happening on the same day. Sigh. And then writing the points down and not being able to upload because Blogger is “outing”.