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January 22, 2008

And she says f**k at 17!

My dad’s been my biggest critic when it comes to what I write and how. “For a journalist, your general knowledge is dismal,” being his biggest complaint with “DO something about your spellings” being a close second. His other big problems are my frequent use of ‘fuck’ and ‘sucks’. While usually I am very careful not to go fucking-around when speaking to dad, a slip of my tongue is followed by severe frowning of his brow. “Do you realize what you mean when you say ‘She sucks’?” he asked once and unfortunately, I guffawed at his expression and it lead to one of our regular-cant-escape one-hour-long debates. Sigh. No matter how ‘old’ I become, dad will always see me as 12-years-old. “You could be 70 and I will STILL be your Pop,” being his other favourite line.

However and darned be the day I tell him – because he will gloat no end – I understand what he means. My brother is five years younger to me (23) and while I was pretty self-sufficient at that age, I think he needs constant guidance. Of course he doesn’t agree. One fine day, when he was 15 and me 21, he had walked into my room as I was painting a horse or something and had casually announced, “By the way Di, your bro ain’t a virgin anymore,” cackled madly, ruffled my hair and walked out. I thought he was being bloody cheeky telling me that and when I had proceeded to talk to him about safe sex he had – quite cockily said – “You’re doing it wrong Di and there are ways other than condoms, you know.” I had run from the room, red-faced. Frankly, KIDS these days scare the daylights out of me… Rather the way they are in a hurry to grow up.

Just the other day, met this really bright 17-year-old beautiful girl, the daughter of this amazing 40-year-old couple we (partner and moi) know. Very well-behaved, knows her mind, knows her choices, is allowed occasional sips of wine from her mom’s glass and overall a good kid. We added each other on Facebook and knowing that I have my blog links up and use a lot of swear words, I asked her, “Does your mom read your Facebook?” She sent me a long string of “hahahas” and replied, “No she doesn’t and hey, I am 17, not THAT small.”

Then I saw her picture album and broke into a cold sweat. Young, pretty girls with fresh faces and yet there is a sort of ‘knowledge’ in their eyes and in their smiles. A kind of bone-chilling knowledge, the kind I wish they didn’t have. Some of her schoolmates’ pics gave me the shivers. Pouting pics, leggy pics, arm-in-arm with boys pics (someone warn them, oh!), sipping-what-looks-like-alcohol pics, wearing clothes that 17 should not be wearing pics… The first thought that ran through my head was “I wasn’t like THAT at 17!” And damn I say 17-years is bloody small and it gets bloody confusing… for us adults.

The other day someone close asked, “Would you be comfortable if your children read what you write?” I answered that question only after un-publishing some of the raunchier stuff that I had written. My comfort level with my (future) kids reading what I write would completely depend on what age they are. It’s not because what I write is wrong… But there are certain things I would rather my child not find out. Or find out in easier ways. Actually no, not find out at all. Definitely not if they read at 12, 14… or even 17.

Sheesh! No matter how liberated or cocky I was as an adolescent, I say 17-years is bloody small. And even a year later – re-reading what I had in August 2007 – the confusion and fear for the “young ones” still remains. I wish they’d stay young for far, far longer.

This is what was running through my head August 2007… Do read.
That headline was to keep alive the tradition of this being a "sex-blog". And since it’s only a jackass who would believe that anyone fucking blogging so much is fucking at all; well, you can imagine how much THAT word is happening here. (The smarter/cockier ones would notice the random days of no-posting no doubt. But then, it could just mean, shaggin’, no?) Necessary sex-bit over; now the other headlines that could perhaps go with this post...


Anonymous said...

Er... the part about your 'future kids' somehow seemed intriguing. You and kids have somehow never gone hand in hand. But then again... all the best :-)

Eve* aka JB said...

1. this is the fastest anyone has ever responded, even as i was editin the text!
2. "FUTURE" kids... future's bloody long away!
3. I like kids. have always. funny that should be noticed more than anything else!

the mad momma said...


well thats a funny comment. I have not really seen anything in your posts that says you and kids dont go hand in hand. and yes, i feel the same way about my writing. my kids are welcome to read it all, but it really depends on how old they are...

~junkie said...

aww,now whats with the unpublishing ?! barely managed to go through the archives, not fair yaa :P

Abhi said...

What, if any, is the "correct" age to know about the "birds and the bees"?

With the zillion connotations of the F word, and more than one implications of the S word, why do we tend to focus on the "birds and bees" meanings?

Exactly what is it that disturbs us about the exposure at "wrong" age?

I wonder.

Eve* aka JB said...

Abhi, loved your response on the smoking post. Now about this one: The way I see it, it's your presumption that this post/we are focussing on the "birds and the bees" (will call it sex to save typing time) of the F word. However, linguistically, fuck might be used in varied connotations, but the word itself means just that... let's fuck.

Now on what is disturbing about exposure at the 'wrong' age or whats the right age:

1. individuals and children have different maturity and understanding levels. WHEN one decides to tell one's child will depend on what the maturity level of that child is. Does "telling" a child stop at the basics of sex - men put their penis into a woman? What when the child says, "Mom, why do some men want to hit women on their bottoms?" Or for that matter, "What is anal sex? Didnt you say the penis goes in the... and not in the...?"

2. when i say 'innocence', it's about the mental innocence and ignorance of harsher truths about sex than just about how babies are made etc. Point being: More often than not, at least with teen sex etc, babies are made and then dropped/ aborted. DO we talk about that with children? When? At what age? Does a mother tell her 8-year-old daughter... "Boys will always try and get into your panties and not love you for it," while explaining how sex is/ might be an act of love and not just fucky-fucky? It's about innocence in believing that sex is good -- perhaps at a certain point in life -- and that the one you have sex will treat you right etc.

3. Given child abuse stats, personally i will perhaps discuss sex with my kid(s) at an early age without calling it "bad things". However, how much, in what detail and what-to-leave out still confuses me....

Am I making sense here? I liked the question you asked though and like the way you think: Thoughts and debates welcome. Your turn.

Abhi said...

I am confused about this as well. Just one of those many instances in life when we are not always able to practice what we think :(. And the "disturbs us" was meant in a wide social sense.

The harsher truths of life are not about sex alone. We all know that, and parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with them. We all also know that we have to "teach dealing with them" because we cannot make the harsh truths disappear. Some harsh realities like death of near-dear ones are still difficult to convey to a child. But some, like work-to-be-alive, are gradually "teachable" and are taught. The question for an adult really is: is the reality of sexuality nearer to the "death" kind or nearer to the "work-to-live" kind? Trying to answer these is required for better parenting - i.e. helping the child grow away from "innocence".

The "teaching activity" by parents is gradual and considerate about the maturity level of their children. And sexuality confuses because it is natural instinct that is recreational as well as reproductive, and cannot be done away with (so we have to deal with it head on)! We consider "recreational aspect" as "irresponsible" and the "reproductive aspect" as "responsible". Our social rules seem to grudgingly accept the reproductive purpose via only one socially and legally acceptable way: marriage. They completely reject the recreational aspect. The rules seem to assume that females are "more responsible" (read: sex for reproduction) and males are "more irresponsible" (read: sex for fun), and hence marriage is what makes males "more responsible". In other words, the rules a priori deny that females can be "irresponsible" and males can be "responsible".

I think it is our reluctance to accept sexuality in it's totality that is the root of our being disturbed by "she says fuck at 17"! Such acceptance would mean that we teach our children the ways, and values needed, to play responsibly with sex just like other human activities. The parent could tell her daughter the difference between "fucking" and "making love" without the need to "criticise the others (e.g. the media) for being irresponsible" ;). Until then, however, I will be told to "shut the fuck up and go fuck myself"! ;).

Eve* aka JB said...

Waaaaaah: Abhi, DO you blog, DONT lie?! :D

1. "our reluctance to accept sexuality in it's totality is the root of our being disturbed by "she says fuck at 17"
Perhaps to a large extent. Though in the context here, it's more to do with the fact that even if tell my 'daughter' that sex is about "making love" (even rambunctious, lung-wrenching, mattress moving style); HOW do I protect her from the "fucking" that would inadvertently come her way when she goes looking for "love" (or making love as case may be)? What happens when she gets hurt with the fucking because she wanted to make love? And am keeping the reproduction completely out of the picture. Perhaps I would be cool with her "making love" just that I wouldnt want her to be an object of "fuck". (And all this sure makes it fucking scary to have a child)

2. Haw! :-O Who asked you to shut-the... etc?

Abhi said...

Oops! I don't blog :(. As is probably clear by now, I am less "conversational" and more "analytical" and so I occasionally post some (loooooonng ;) ) comments across the net, on blogs, forums etc. and let go. Yesterday, and today was your blog. I enjoyed reading many of the posts. Do keep writing. Hopefully, I should be coming back and keep reading and commenting.

1. I used "fuck" as in "sex for fun" above. In contrast, you seem to refer to the "fuck" as in "taken for a ride"/"being cheated"/"duped" etc. I don't think we can protect our children from being duped. Cheating is one of those harsher realities that we don't want to exist, but nevertheless have to deal with. This is independent of whether or not we accept sexuality. If we don't accept it, however, some of us (usually women) end up paying a much higher price, so high that any support system that we try to create to take care of the duped child is inadequate :(. If my daughter is fucked but not pregnant, then perhaps I may be able to manage it. But if she does get pregnant, then today the price she pays, and my worries are beyond my abilities to support her and take care of her. That is why I'd be told to shut up, since what I say is _not_ practical today. It merely tries to find out the reason behind the woes of today. And the solution proposed is ... ahem ... fantastic ;). Yes: It _is_ scary to have a child! But then, to offer the right support to my abused child, I need to understand that she has not sinned even if she has "fucked for fun" but got "fucked" in the game! I may not be able to protect him/her, but maybe the understanding could decrease my helplessness and frustrations. I could discuss more concretely with other adults about ways of introducing sexuality and it's facets at various age groups and maturity levels!

2. Some "Mishraji" would tell me to shut up for talking "nonsense". I can get away with a one-finger-salute to such stuff. On the other hand, some parent of some abused child would say that out of sheer helplessness and the "academic" nature of what I say. And I would have to, and would, comply!

Mystique said...

firstly, 17 isn't that young.....
but yeah, pouty alcohol photos at any age are not good.
neither is "fuck". the word kinda sounds bad in my mouth.....i use it only in times of excessive emotion....
but yeah, i know kids who swer when they're what, 12?
and i got the schock of my life a few years ago when a second grade kid called me an asshole.

Maxine quits chocolate until.... said...

oh ive missed so much.still cant manage to read all :(
but the emphasis is on the word "fuck" i figure? Well..i say its just a choice you have to make to say 'fuck'to everything or not.When your child says that word,it gives a shock to parents around the world.But they say it, and we tell them not to use it until they become adults and confirms their choice.
lol i'm done.