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January 1, 2008

Sexual suggestions and realisations 2008!

There are little things and big things that make for great sex and all of it does not necessarily have to do with penis size. Most of it just practical advise – you may or may not find yourself in a similar situation – and some of it just observations. Read on and if there’s something you want to add to the list, please feel free.

1. Toilet paper is must have to any sexual encounter. In your excitement, you could kick a coffee mug or a glass of wine, or squish the tube of lubricant, or spray on the wall… Keep toilet paper handy to quickly mop up. It soaks up semen best.

2. The man never has a condom when you need it most: Read that, remember that, it’s a rule. If it’s a regular partner, you don’t want a baby and you are not on the pill, YOU carry a condom, no matter who says it’s the man job. If you are into randomly picking up people, you are an IDIOT for not carrying condoms.

3. The most unfortunate thing to happen is for you to dry up when things are heating up. Instead if coughing up spit to get things on a smoother track, please invest in a tube of lubricant. It saves precious time during foreplay, helps get a quickie off quickly (!) prevents erectile tissue from going flaccid and you, from getting sore.

4. Keep a bottle of water near especially if you are a smoker and if you like to go at it for long. A parched throat distracts, doesn’t let you breathe easy thereby move easy and saps energy. There is no scientific research behind that statement, but experience says drinking water keeps you going stronger and longer.

5. Mouth-freshener whether it’s wake-up sex, after-party sex or just any other time you think your mouth’s not smelling fresh… No matter how much you don’t mind kissing his morning mouth, a fresh mouth makes for much more pleasant kissing etc.

6. Sex can be tiring and hunger-creating. If you want to avoid stepping into the kitchen in the heat/cold or waiting for the delivery boy, always keep munchies and chocolates by your bedside. Empty-stomach sex is really not that much fun.

7. It’s always good to have frequent quickies, helps you improve your technique, you never know when you’d need a quickie.

8. Learn the right way to deep breathe… it does wonders for your stamina.

9. Always keep a morning-after pill with you, condoms are only 97 % safe and even guys with great practice in pulling-out can sometimes miss the signal.

10. If there’s another person in the house NEVER assume they cannot hear you even though you might be screaming into a pillow, DON'T scream. The third in the house ALWAYS hears things.

11. If you have to scream, try not to scream out technical details like “put it here” or “harder baby”.

12. Till you really don’t know your girlfriend’s threshold-for-violence, never encourage her to slap your balls playfully. Or for him to bite you hard.

13. Frantic grinding after two glasses of water will always give you a stitch in the stomach. Ditto for any aerated drink.

14. If you are in a situation where you can be caught, ALWAYS put your undies in the pocket of your jeans/jacket/whatever. In emergency escape scenarios, the undies/ socks always go missing.

15. Never be the third when a recently-dating couple hang out. You will end up looking like an idiot while they grope and suck face.

16. Never point out to your partner (girlfriend or boyfriend) the person/people you have slept with in a party. If they ask about someone and are right, never deny.

17. When you are in a relationship, you will seem far more attractive to everyone else. Don’t think it makes you a siren, it just makes you a challenge, that’s it.

18. If a guy is drunk and has brilliant sex with you; it’s not you, it’s the alcohol.

19. If a guy is drunk and can’t get it up or can’t come, it’s not you, it’s the alcohol.

20. If a drunk woman starts crying after you’ve had sex with her; it’s not you, it was the ex-boyfriend.

21. Never trust a guy who only wants to meet you when his girlfriend leaves the city. He will always discuss you with his friends.

22. If it’s stinking, don’t take it in your mouth.

23. The girl who compliments the most girls in a party is always the biggest bitch.

24. If he says he has never been in a long relationship and is scared of commitment, TRUST him and don’t set out to test his words.

25. If a woman says she’s your friend and then feels up your boyfriend or flirts with him ‘innocently’, watch the bitch.

26. You can get away with calling a woman fat but you can never get away with criticizing her boobs.

27. If you are insecure about your sex life and discuss it with people, they will only make you feel worse about it.

28. If a woman constantly talks about a man to you (and you’re a chick) – and you two aren’t the best of friends – she isn’t being communicative; she thinks you are either hitting on the man or are a threat to her.

29. Women who are the loudest in declaring their relationship status to people – particularly when their boyfriends/husbands are not around – are usually the ones who would cheat on their men.

30. A possessive person needs a possessive person as his/her partner, any other situation cannot survive.

7 comments:

taurius1 said...

Life lessons, eh? :)

Maxine said...

Toilet paper,condom,lubricant,bottle of water,mouth-freshner,
munchies/chocolates,morning after pill.All of these should be made available at those sex toy shops for convenient shopping.

Only the chocolates are smiling to me.heehaha.

23. The girl who compliments the most girls in a party is always the biggest bitch.
Ah!Aint a bitch.Thts something else.

Sex is such a waste of time :/

MaxiM said...

31.Nope Nadda Naay to the beach: All that 'CHARGE' wears off after your first swig of the oceanic soup and the SAND being blow at you. To add to troubles, you have those suckers getting forced into ...places ,time and again
32.Skip the chocolate syrup : These eventually dry up leaving you sticky and itchy. (Especially true for blokes with goatees or soul patches)
33.Avoid torrential rains or pools: Movie makers can go suck an egg ! This one just doesn't cut it. Period!
:o )

smellycat said...

im usually not in for judgements but you sure as well dont look any bit like you sound in the blogs.. that is before you start talking though... thoroughly inspired, both by your speech and this fascinating blog:)

p.s- attended the NDTV show on blogging as well.

smellycat said...

*hell

Anonymous said...

You should actually have sex,(yes it is that painfully obvious) before proclaiming you know every- -thing there is to know about it, ice princess. and by the way, hon, sex isn't really that sensational a topic anymore; get over yourself, why don't you?
--aagni

Indiegal said...

Nice shots of wisdom!