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March 24, 2008

Guilty is when guilty's caught

All of us, at some or the other time have been guilty of giving in to that one temptation. It could be that dress you bought, the new phone you spent money on and did not need, an extra teaspoon of sugar in your morning coffee or doing something that you know you shouldn't be doing. And yet, one wonders, if given the chance and the assurance that no one - or at least not the ones who could get you into trouble - will find out, would we all give into temptation... without the guilt? Is guilt about doing something you aren't supposed to or being caught out?

"I don't feel guilty about cheating on my man," typed Fiesty Friend from another city. " I mean I love him and all that but I cannot help sleeping around. Do you think it's wrong? But I just don't feel guilty!" she continued.
Her dilemma (or trilemma as the case might be) was quite unique. She had a secure relationship with her boyfriend who lived out of town while she was happily sleeping around with three other men, separately. Trying to understand her guilt-free situation, one asked if she were unhappy with her current man.
"No," she replied, "poor thing is very dedicated to me." One asked if the poor thing was perhaps bad in bed.
"No," she replied, "He keeps me satisfied." Since those were the two reasons one usually associates with infidelity - unless both partners actively encourage each other, in which case it is swapping and not cheating - one asked if there was a third motivation to cheat on a poor, dedicated, satisfactory man?
"I felt like it. And I think I will dump the boyfriend, I cannot handle the guilt of not feeling guilty when I sleep with other men."

It was the second glass of cold coffee when the call came. "What would you say if a guy had the most mind blowing sex with you each time, amazing conversations too and yet refuses to hug unless it leads to sex?" asked Jerk-Attractor Friend. One politely asked if she were perhaps paying for the sex and therefore the no-hug clause...?
"Are you mad?" she shrieked, understandably, "He hugs and kisses when we are at it... it's afterwards that he refuses to hug or show any signs of tenderness." One suggested that perhaps it was to do with the tender state of the dude's junior...
"No, no. He says he cannot hug me because he feels guilty about his ex, who he is STILL not over. But I don't understand, he doesn't feel guilty sleeping with me but is all guilty hugging me... What kind of guilt is that?"

(was written in May 2007)


Anonymous said...

i am so glad you have put this up......i needed i guess an outlet to vent out.

most of the times, i am not even sure why the hell the guilt is there.....if one thinks practically, if two consenting adults have sex, its because they want to. because they are attracted enough to sleep with each other or even want it. and that is why they do it. now amongst the two, whosoever started it should not really matter.

and ideally the guilt should not really be there.

i am currently caught in a situation where i have found someone in my office attractive, longed to get physical with him, got physical with..had a nice mind blowing session with him only to end up with the guy sitting in front of me and regretting as if he committed murder. the only issue which makes me also think in this case as to whether what happened was right or not is the fact that he also has a steady relationship back home, with a girl he is going to marry!

irony being more worse because they day after our brilliant romp, he left for home: to fix up his marriage.

i am not sure whether our friendship would survive what happened and it would be regretful because he was a wonderful friend. but i honestly feel no guilt about making out with him. because i did what i felt like doing, like a deep desire.

and he also did, with full consent, whatever he did, because i guess he wanted to taste the "forbidden". perhaps, if i would have been more of a stranger, it would have still given him solace. i guess he gets caught into two minds.....about the woman he loves and now perhaps me, whom he feels he has used.

sadly enough, i am feeling bad for him, miserable because i know the guilt he carries in his heart, is perhaps no one's fault. it was something which was a very natural progression i believe. if you are so close to someone in office that an intimate bond develops, without consciously you realising it, but unconsciously you want it; physical closeness has to come in somewhere. somehow.

Anonymous said...

Dear anonymous,
A guy will never resist any woman.He had a good time with you.He was projecting his guilt afterwards so that he remains righteous in going into his marriage..Afterall what happened with you now becomes a mistake on a barsat ki ek raat.A momentary slip.Eventually he left you feeling bad for his predicament!!!
the guy is a geunius.Am sure the rest of the guys in the world want to know his secret recipe for getting the girl and then having his way and then leaving the girl feeling sorry for him.
Get over him my dear. Dont try to analyse the snails brain.

Anonymous said...

even i think in a same way...a guy will never resist a woman and after finishing it he ll make it appear how genuine and good he is ...sad is many girls for it and think for der physical attraction as true love n wait for him as if he is honestly going to commit.Ifn such situation if the girl is virgin, indian girl will be try to make this relation work out jus for the reason that she has lost her virginity to him.I know a friend who was going around with his girlfriend for 4 n 1/2 yeaars and going to inform about their relation to parents and accordingly going to propose. When they had started with it they had resisted having sex just for the reason that they are young and they wanted it to be special.Then he had to stay away for 1 year for his work. during this time his girlfriend met a guy and she got attracted and they had sex.she told him about it.He felt sad but accepted the fact that sometimes its difficult to resist and anyways he loves her and she told him the truth. Sad thing was after this attraction his girlfriend now feels she should marry the other guy and may be this guy also likes her and so has got involved with her then why not him .that guy is not ready to commit and jus drags the topic away about commitment. And my friend is pleading "i dont mind what happened between you but why are you leaving me".He feels his entire life is shattered and this girl is adamant about it. That guy who is acting geunine really does not know somewhere he s destroying some1s dream n life. He is just enjoying it.And my friend does not ho to convince his girlfriend how the guys are and wha is she is thinking is not ho things appear?Its not bad to be broad minded but what is the use of such broadmindess which is occupied somewhere with narrow minded thoughts...when will some girls really understand this??

Piggy Little said...

i agree.. it was me who posted the first comment btw...just couldnt log in then.

as i said, i am not feeling guilty about it, i enjoyed it immensely. it was perhaps one of the best times i ever had with a guy, and considering i was into a rel. more deeply with someone for almost 4 yrs, i can vouch for the fact that this guy was much better than my ex. i am just concerned perhaps that he might do wat the third comment here says: i mean i wudnt want him to ruin his life and tell his gf he is not worthy of her coz of wat happened. people honestly should learn to move on.

craby111 said...

piggy i am confused with your comment..you want to stick with the guy and want even him to forget about his past relation or you want to accept the fact that there was something passionate about this guy yet you want to move on and want him to continue with his relation?does relation exist only on passion especially 1 lasting for 4 years? i am not talkin about not accepting a change but forgetting the dreams one know can be realised but just for one passionate moment we become ready to replace them altogether. If we cant respect our own self then how can we respect our relations?
physical attractions are bound to happen and we cant deny that but emotional bonds build up over a time .when we start building our bonds on passions one day passion is gonna end and so ll the emotions and compromises associated with them.whm should e really favour?

Piggy Little said...

NO crabby, i dont want him to leave his relationship for me. thats wat i want. i agree completely with u, emotionally bonding is built over a v. long time and no passionate momentary temptation can ever replace it, no matter how good the romp.

i enjoyed my time with him, but i knew even then, that that was all that was there to it. it wud be stupid to expect him to leave his gf/ financee...i wudnt even want that to happen. i wudnt even wish so. i like this guy, genuinely do...but then that is my problem, and i ve to learn to deal with it.

i cant help him overcome his guilt.... considering he is feeling a lot of it...but only if he cud understand that a temporary attraction can happen nytime nywhere with nyone...he wud perhaps be more readily able to get on with his life.....and me with mine, without the added ...discomfort between us.

Anonymous said...

thats really good to hear piggy....people say girls are emotional fools.what you have shown is that rather they understand emotions very well.a sensible n respectful decision i must say so...guys should really learn not to play with emotions. And girls should really beware from sch guys too n understand where real love lies.