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March 25, 2008

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Ever wondered...
How if you think no one's watching and scratch your bum in public, somebody IS watching?

How you don’t realize how someone has snuggled into your daily routine till they go out of town and you suddenly don’t know what to do with your time? And you miss them sorely and everything you routinely do suddenly seems very weary?

How TV channels have ALL boring shows on weekends? One would think that with more people sitting home with time on their hands to watch the tele, they would put out better shows. But they don’t. Stupid channels.

How all "sexy" women are supposed to sound husky? And of course there's the breathlessness of Marilyn Monroe's voice.

How when you have a “sexy” song playing at a disc/pub, most women start doing a “sexy” dance? Like perfectly normal women – who have hitherto been dancing quite modestly – suddenly start gyrating and thrusting their butts out and making all those grrrrowl-I-will-bite-you-expressions the moment ‘Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me’ (Pussycat Dolls) starts playing? Even to the faces of their own boyfriends?!

Or how every woman – even if she has a hip fracture – will start shaking her bum to Shakira’s Hips don’t lie? (Raises hand, have done it too. Bwahaha, if I were perfect, I'd be such a pain, no?)

How women will s-l-o-w-l-y bite and then proceed to lick their fingers doing the “saxy thang” and make "mmmm" noises when eating fleshy fruits and finger foods; particularly when there are good-looking men around?

How men will laugh at the stupidest thing a woman says if she is really beautiful or very hot? Or if said man wants to bed said woman?

How most women who run beauty salons – at least in India – are usually ghastly to look at? I mean Shahnaz Husain has a whole line of beauty products for crying out loud.

How people start using phrases that make no sense and that they have no clue about just because everyone else is using it? Like, “My bad” or the oft used, “That’s a bummer”. What, pray, is a bummer? A fart? Is there a non-bummer fart too?

How when you are nibbling a pizza carefully – or anything with a topping – to save the meatiest bit for the last, most satisfying bite… it falls down? (This one could be just me)

How when you want to look your best on a certain night, the girl who you hate looks better than you? (This could just be me, and no it’s not insecurity, I just want to look better than her, okay? No discussion. Grin)

Or when you are planning on wearing a really skin-hugging outfit and need your tummy to look flat… the shit thing bloats? (Maybe, just maybe I could be a fashion disaster)

How you will ALWAYS stain your whitest outfit/ shirt/ trousers no matter how hard you try not to? The harder you try to keep it clean, the tougher the stuff you will stain it with.

How almost ALL women when drunk HAVE to declare they are drunk? They will laugh loudly, do stupid things all the while crying out loud, “Oh I am so drunk.” Everyone can see it, why say it?

How ALL women forget to carry tampons/napkins etc when they are close to their period dates? And just when you ask around, no one else has it either?

How as you grow older, your hairstyle gets messier, sportier, sharper, crisper, more with-the-times… because you are either trying to hide thinning hair, a bald patch or want to feel young? (I go with the uncombed wild look. Dude, I am turning 30. THIRTY?!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…)

How you write random things because there is something else on your mind and you want to write it but you don’t want to write it at the same time? Sigh.

I want a massage, lying in the sun with the waves crashing near by and no stares.
I want to eat a really tasty meal. And be able to burp without getting self-conscious.
I want to dance and dance and dance… without bothering if someone is staring down my cleavage or who is laughing at me. Actually no, I want people to stare at my cleavage and have a hidden, camouflaged squirting gun device that tracks starers and squirts them with unwashable ink smack in their faces. Yeah.
I want to laugh with my head thrown back, where my stomach hurts and I have tears in my eyes and not bother if I look ugly or there’s too much teeth. Just laugh. The Partner says my smile lights him up, I have seen his eyes shine brighter too. But some words take time to rid from your subconscious. I will get there. I don’t have an "ugly pirate laugh".
I want to stop my friends from getting hurt. Just take the hurt away from all those I care about and find them love and happiness and satisfaction and no fear and security.
I wish I could stop people cheating on each other and have everyone fall in love and remain in love. I can be so stupid.
I want to be able to sing. At least one song. Perfectly.
I want to have REAL friends. It’s been so long, this changing, adapting, molding myself. Now I just wish I had more friends on my phone book than taxi drivers and help-lines.
Self-sufficiency has its price.


Maxine said...

I wish you have more REAL friends too and they fall in love and stay in love too.hehe.
And thanks for writing and deciding to start a blog like this.

Good day,JB. Be well.

fbm said...

bravo maxine...... But as usual, you said it better

Shaaz said...

I related to most of it JB. You spoke my thoughts out :)

Aluchaat said...

is that payal on your arm?

Eve* aka jb said...

Er, nahi.... that's a waist chain on my well, waist. Sigh. Goa.
Trying to get this shot i pulled a bloody back muscle. Lesson: Try stupid angular shots only when you have a flexible back.

itchingtowrite said...

hubby always maintaind that if i scratch in public someon will definitely see no matter what
pizza- agree agree, swear it always happens to me
white dress- yes, both for me and deifintely for the kids someone will definitely give them chocolate to stain their dress
TV- the moment I quarrel for the rmote and change channels, nothing will be interesting & there will be ads on all channels
napkin- wonder why the same person always misses having a napkin and borrows from me when she is due... she used up half my pack atleast and I had taken a pack which had 2 free pieces...

Mystique said...

man you write a LOT.
and to what you say here, I have a silence and a hug.
sometimes that solves evrything.

Shaapla said...

I love your blog!
I started reading maybe five minutes ago, and I'm totally totally hooked.
I love!

Ravi said...

The last paragraph ("I wish I could stop people cheating on each other...") was very well-written.

Very meaningful n moving :)

Take care, mam!

Ravi (a reader of your blog)

Deepti said...

I just loved this post.. "I wish I could stop people cheating on each other and have everyone fall in love and remain in love." I wish the same too...