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March 11, 2008

Fear.

Loss of control is a feeling that can threaten most. It's worse when you seem to be losing control of your own life. When words and people and sentiments and situations you take for granted -- or hope they are your 'own' -- begin to change. Sometimes, there is no single thing that tells you that a situation/person is changing except perhaps for vibes and a sickening, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. When you notice nuances changing, when you notice the way things are said are changing, when slowly but surely you feel the control over your own Destiny slipping you by...

Time, sometimes we waste it, sometimes we curse because there is too much of it and we dont know what to do with it. And sometimes, you know time is running out and with that time, perhaps a dream. Your fulfillment, your happiness. And you know that no matter how hard you run, scream or pay, it will be gone.

Promises. What are they but words? Some given in jest, some that swear they are earnest, some that uplift you, some that make you dream, hope, smile, believe. And then one fine day you realise those are but words. Nothing happens to those who break promises except leaving behind those who are broken by an unkept promise.

Believe. Why do we believe in things, anything, people, any person? Are we fools? Don't we have any sense of preservation?

Change. It comes, you might not want it, but it comes. It's worse when the change comes over people... And you watch helplessly. You ask for reassurances but you know change has already claimed them. Or perhaps something else has.

Luck. You will always run out of it when you most need it. And with luck goes time, promises made and just so much more.

And then you wonder: Will I be able to stand straight again? Or will this finally break me? Perhaps it will...

PS: Self-shot pic, best way to deal with boredom, loneliness and dejection is to click yourself in the thick of it.

8 comments:

Maxine said...

Heart break: What is it anyway?A strong sadness gifted by a person we love.That which linger longer than watching a bad movie.But it will pass too.There are only semi-finals in heart land.

Philosophical post hmmm.nice.keemo acho? I dun have my bangla book near.anyway...be well.

Mystique said...

Deep. Profound.
Losing control of your life, that can be taken care of if you're in control of your mind and your emotions. Sometimes it's hard. And that's what's scary, when you lose control over your emotions.
Why do we believe? We believe because we need a hope to cling to.We meed the security. Hope and belief are but security, no?
Belief in oneself is all that we need....and then nothing breaks us.
Is so easy to talk, but so hard to follow...it shouldn't be.....

Ravi said...

Nice snapshot!

And, I like its definition, "best way to deal with boredom, loneliness and dejection is to click yourself in the thick of it."

Take care!

FBM said...

oi, kya hua..... what ever it is, passing on a few tight hugs.......... take care. luv.

Anonymous said...

hope you feel on top of things soon...that is ONLY and WHEN you want to ....
meaning,
yes the sadness induced philosophy and acceptance to be in the thick of it is comforting too, so i wouldn't triviliase what you are feeling and say hope you are feeling better soon...who am i to define your better or worse...
but...
hugs..

'Vasilisa'

chandni said...

Delurking for the first time though have been reading since long...

Not just that its beautifully writte, I could have said that, right now!

I know exactly where you're coming from.

avijit bakshi said...

Loss of control. Time. Promises. Belief. Change. Luck.

Without change you cannot have your nights and days.

Loss of control: What are you trying to control, not the stars or the sky or the people in our lives, but our reactions to these things. Just like nature we have our ebbs and tides. Hold on, and remember you are there for yourself and always will be, and wait for high tide. Learn from nature.

Time is what makes life as we know it possible and gives meaning to our actions, time is just another face of change. The only way we humans can access time is through the present. Do your stuff in the present, don't worry about the future or the past too much.

Promises, belief, ties in to what I was saying yesterday about people being able to defend themselves. The promises that really are meant to be kept, and the ones that make you stronger, are the ones you make.

Belief is funny because without trust, we are really talking about that, we become incapable of joy. Although it brings a lot of pain. Over time you find some you can really trust, to a larger degree than others and perhaps through them we can discover how to become trustworthy ourselves.

Good luck.

Abhi said...

Very introspective post! While there are plenty of reassuring words to get over the blues, let's for a moment, try looking deeper and have some fun exploring our inner selves.

Point 1: The contents of the mind can never be known until communicated, usually through words. An interesting part is that to communicate or not is a part of the "contents of the mind" :).

Point 2: All resources that we need are limited and we have to continuously compete to acquire them. The strategies we conceive to compete are fundamentally unrestricted, but humanly restricted using ideas like morality and law.

Point 3: Perfect information required to analyze/understand a situation and build a response (in particular, evolve a competition strategy) is almost always never available. In other words, available information is usually incomplete.

If, suppose, we have perfect information, then we could churn it in our brains and make perfect judgments! In the absence of perfect information, we are forced to use "approximations" - vibes, gut feelings, biases etc. But that always leaves room for error - the parts we miss in the "approximations" used.

Relationships are critical as they help us to compete better in acquiring resources and protecting them. They need approximations since we have no way to a priori find the "internal" issues of a mind unless it chooses to communicate to us. It seems to me that we actually characterize relationships by the amount of communication that aggrandizes the trust!

To see our "approximations" not working is indeed depressing, particularly when we use them for critical purposes. But then, the depressions are ways of giving ourselves time to "analyze" the failure of the approximations used, and come up with better ones.

Very interesting that there indeed is something called fear, that protects, helps us to get better the next time, regain any lost control and enjoy the new approximation while it lasts!

Perhaps it is only the fearless who (can) repeat their mistakes!

Take care.