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October 29, 2006

Thinking about Multiple Partners

Had a tarot card reading sometime last week, my second one, and this time with Doe Eyes in tow. This time too it seems, the ancient card system is intent on predicting a soul-o future for me. Soul-o mind you, not solo. According to both the tarot readers, my future is devoid of any soul mate. But apparently, instead of eternally moping in the doldrums of soul(mate)less singledom, i would be cavorting around with Multiple Partners!

Yes, the idea excited me as well...at least when it was first interpreted from the cards...and perhaps it was my evident delight at such a fate that Tarot Reader 2 quickly re-interpreted the cards to read thus: "You will have multiple partners all your life. In fact, as long as you have multiple partners, you will benefit and be happy." (At this I do a quick jig and let out a loud, "Yea baby", upon which the following is then added to the prediction: "However, the multiple partners will not be at once...one man at a time only." And i was thinking: oh, she meant multiple MEN(?!) all this while... My reading of the entire situation? The tarot readers weren;t experimentative enough.

Speaking (decidedly) of men: Tarot Reader 1 further said i would soon be getting a "gentle, sensitive lover" but that I had to "allow him in." I dont exactly have a Do Not Enter sign outside, just that i frequently change the sign to 'Closed Due to Renovation' whenever I see a not-doing-anything-to-me dude...which seems to be happening a little too frequently. Perhaps it goes with being choosy...you dont like a lot of what you see and you dont want to pick whatever you see, no matter how big a bargain it is. And anyway, dont they say that when the bargain is too good, its usually second hand, faulty or stolen?
So thanks to my Lets Be Choosy chromosome being recently activated, my current Multiple Partner/Men count is: Nada.

Barring the Dude of course. But then, that's Just Not Sex.

Despite the rather dismal Future Chances of Soul Mate predictions by the two tarot readers, it seems another set of heavenly bodies are somewhat more benevolent towards me. An astrologer and a palmist on two separate occasions -- yes, am developing a particularly macabre fondness for predictive sciences; soon i'd be laying wagers on the various Most Likely Futures Possible For Eve* options --- have said: (a) i would eventually "settle down" and would even give up everything for my man and child and (b) my second big relationship would be a success...but wont be a marriage. Shrug.

What do i make of all this? That i will find Some Suitable Man later in life AFTER I've had my fun making my billions and finding them Multiple Partners/Men. THAT is why i will give up everything once i meet the guy...by then i would have gotten what i want and that is why i would settle..because by then I would have had my fil(s) too. Multiple Partners. Yea baby! So where's that gentle, sensitive lover?

October 26, 2006

Wondering about the Ex Men

Today's episode: The Hair Raiser

Yup, my exes could very well be mutant species. Too bad none of my exes had Wolverine's (Hugh Jackman) body. Boyo! That man is really hot. As Wolverine, with those side-locks, that jaw, that W.I.D.E. chest .... (I love men who fit into this category, dont have anything against those who dont either, i love 'em all) And thankfully, he is not clean shaven! Bare-chested does not mean hairless, at least not in my books. I like a guy with some fuzz.

I mean hell. If a woman can take a guy's stubble, she definitely can take some chest hair. SOME chest hair. I've also been with someone who was so hairy, so hairy.... ...that I was either busy parting the hair to find SOME place to kiss or busy spitting out the hair that came in to my mouth when I DID find SOME place to kiss. And we're talking strictly above-the-waist areas here. Like even the neck. THAT hairy. Bhrrrrh.

Now that my Ex-rated post has been summarily interrupted by hair-raising tales, more comes later... So THAT was one EX adn well, he was a Hairy Mutant. And as goes with the Laws of Relationships: "If you dont learn anything from a past relationship, you're STILL doing something wrong."
Moral of the Hairy Mutant story: "If you can't kiss it first, you'd sure be spitting it out later."

Post Script
"Kiss you where?"
"Here, here!"
"No, no, hear, hear...hair!"

October 25, 2006

I am Little Woman, wondering about married men

I am Little Woman, it's only recently that I was told that I am not a girl anymore. I realised that from the looks I am getting from the men around me as well. Suddenly, not as many older men call me 'beta'. They betta not too! Especially not with the way they seem to be watching me, looking me up and down... But of course all men are not like that.

Like Married Senor for instance... he really likes me. And of all the boys I have known -- he is not a boy though -- Married Senor really likes me and says he finds me beautiful. I have been called cute before, I have also been told that my skin is very nice. But Married Senor says I am beautiful. He talks to me, tells me about things, hears my opinions and even thinks that I am smart. I know I am. Just that, there is this little thing bothering me...

The other day, I spoke to Boss about Married Senor...I wanted to ask her if I should go the final way... I am a virgin. And Married Senor has a bad marriage...and is looking for support. Just that I am a little scared. Knowing of things and actually doing them are...scary. So I asked Boss about Married Senor and the first thing Boss asked was: "Does the dude have a baby?" I said of course not... Boss was sure there would be a baby on the scene.

But not all relationships (with Other Married Men) have to be bad or have to be the kind where the woman is fooled, right? I mean, according to Boss, Married Senor just wants his fun... But why does it have to be only his fun; even I could be having my fun with him, right? But you know what? Three days back, I met Married Senor and the Wife at a party... and learnt that she was pregnant. Two months. That means Married Senor slept with Wife AFTER he met me... But he said they had a bad marriage? "So how come the baby?" that's what Boss asked me when I told her that he was having a baby. Boss was not surprised, she says its the same story with all Married Senors. Especially the ones who say they have a bad marriage.

I am confused. I dont want to be a virgin anymore. I am curious about sex. But I am wondering: why cant I use Married Senor as well? If we are all adults, why do some adults lie to other adults to get their way? And what if Married Senor goes and talk about it to other people? What happens to my reputation? Why do men talk? Boss says there is nothing wrong with me, just that Married Senor is wrong.

But then I asked Boss --- how is it that men/boys my age dont look at/ like me? While Married Senor is the only man who ever found my beautiful? Boss says its because it is now that I am growing from a girl into a woman and many men will notice. Just that I have to be patient. Can I be patient...for an experience that should be beautiful, mutual, whole lot of fun and that should not leave me feeling used?

(as told to Eve*)

October 23, 2006

I am Confessor, shy of masturbating...

Was browsing through links and what others write. Came across THIS post, written by The Compulsive Confessor. Funny and talks about my (one of current) favourite topics: masturbation, or the lack thereof of women doing it, talking about it and writin about it.

Earlier Doe Eyes told me there is no masturbation! I was shocked. REALLY shocked. The other day one of the intern's asked: "what do we when someone kisses you?" Why, kiss them back of course. "no, no, you dont understand...HOW do we kiss them back?"
And on the other hand the publication I write for gets like a 100 mails a week...all about men thinking their "pin-pins" (yes, some guys call their penis THAT..dont be surprised, this is India...too.) will look old, or shrivel, or grow hair, or sometimes-be-big-sometimes-small...most of which are natural things for a penis to do -- but these men think all this will happen because they masturbate a lot. Most of the pin-pin-problem seekers are guys who write about having been masturbatin since long...'start-up' age seems to be anywhere between 13-18. I could prepare a paper on the demographics of Indian Male Masturbation!

Add a 'fe' before the male and suddenly talks of masturbation aren't as much. How do men — when growin up as boys realise —their penis has more functions than peeing? Who told them? Did they talk to friends? Because if thats how they realised that the what they had between their legs could be moved to,fro, up and down and who the heck told them to move it fast?! I want to know...because WHOEVER told them....why didnt they tell the girls as well?
Why is that women dont seem to talk about masturbation the way guys do? Or write in to agony aunt columns?

I have had male boy/friends tellin me, "Shagged last night" in various ways: some grin, some shrug, some show me WHAT they were lookin at when shaggin (yeah, men TALK to me as well). What is funny is.... I am yet to meet another chick/girlfriend who says, "Dude, shagged last night." Except for Pearl who told me if she didnt stop shagging, her fingers would fall off. Heh heh. That's why Pearl be best friend!

Answering some (Too) Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why do you make so many spelling mistakes on your blog?
A: Because I type with one hand.

2. Why dont you use both your hands?
A: I always use one hand to type and the other to frig.

3. Arent Sex blogs supposed to be Anonymous?
A: No.

4. People know your identity...isnt the idea of such a blog to be anonymous?
A: The idea of this blog is to be able to fucking write what i WANT to write. With name, with a pseudunym or with a placard declaring my name, phone number and directions to my house.

5. Why isnt there much sex on this blog?
A: Theres not much sex in my life. when there will be...and if it leaves time for me to blog :) -- you get to read it too.

6. Will the sex be raunchy?
a: No. we sit across the room from each other and type out things we want to do to each other. We LOVE blogging!

7. Whos the WE?
A: those involved.

Raising my middle finger at loneliness: 1

Written on Diwali...

Happy Diwali! One of my favourite, pop-Bollywood movies is on Tv. The reception sucks and so Amitabh Bachchan and company are quite grainy. Doesn't matter as I remember the dialogues and expressions by heart. It's a musical. and except for the intermittent fire crackers going off in the neighbourhood, things are silent... That sounds like a line from Harry Potter... magic, self-starting fire-crackers by Fred and George and suddenly an owl will swoop down into my house and tell me I have been admitted to some magical land... :\ Doe Eyes is fast asleep. Just spoke to Dad and he supports my decision of rocking the boat at work...time before I do that, a week. Clock starts now. Hmmm

Festivals are times when strange things happen to me. They are never the same and they could be anything. Usually associated with the words blue, grey, bleak etc. For one, no festival (for some time now) has gone as planned. And strangely, am alone around each with-family-festival. Or not with people I want to be with. But fuck if that's going to get me down. Sure had things gone as planned, I perhaps wouldnt have been writing this post. But then hey. that would have meant a break in updating the blog! So good that I have time to write. Why do we seek out company? Is it because we dont have things to do? Or because we want certain people around when we do those things? Doe Eyes wants to adopt a baby as an answer to the loneliness. A BABY? How does that solve anything?

You are lonely or feeling so because you want someone to share things with, talk to, meet, hear and have sex with. A baby needs to be cared for. And if the solution to loneliness is just finding something distracting enough to do...get a pet, a hobby, a boy/girl friend or even a casual fuck (dont forget to desensititise the brain....sensitive brain?!) Having/adopting a baby to answer for your loneliness is stupid. And it doesnt solve anything. Today you are (presumably) young or young enough to do a lot of other things...and you get a baby and spend the next 14-15 years bringing up that baby. Thinking you'd have a companion someday. Or that someone...your flesh and blood..your child AT LEAST will love you, unconditinally, for who you are, for what you want to be.... And then the 'baby' starts living his/her own life and you are left lonely. Or not part of it...or there's not someone to sit and talk to you etc. Meanwhile the baby grows up to be another lonely individual, trying to find answers and seeking them in other people or even another baby... Yes, there are the joys of bringing up your child but when it comes to bringing up that child alone...where's the time for joy? Why would anyone want to solve their loneliness by gettin into a situation that is tough and there is no joy? Willingly that too? Asking for it? ....

This is not cynicism. This is realisation that loneliness is not a reason to adopt or have a child or even a relationship... It was one of my reasons — alongwith paranoia, self-doubt, chicken-shitness — for doing what I did. No babies. No loneliness either. Hope Doe Eyes has better sense too. Contd Below...

I am Eve*, raising my middle finger at loneliness: 2

Contd from previous post....
Meanwhile Good Friend ascertained what I had known for quite a while. Let's-call-him-Veeru has the mega-hots for me. But thankfully, he is not making ungodly-houred, post-drunk calls. I seem to be meeting a lot of men (and giving them my number!!!) who insist on opening their hearts out to me on the phone, once they are drunk. Usually at around 4 am. I have to switch my phone off and sleep or hide it. A rather threatening and sleep-fucking solution to loneliness!

Dude meanwhile continues to do what he does best — vascilatte between the Suitable Boy and the Bastard; he does a good job of both, is getting better with the latter. One of the reasons I am illogically, self-harmingly (he is injurious to my well-being :\) bonkers about him is his Smell. WHAAAM! Each time I get a whiff of him (or off him!), it's like my brain's sole purpose after that is to send embarrassing-cant-be-mentioned-or-done-in-public signals to my groin. His fragrance intoxicates me. An Editor while interviewin me recently asked, "Whats with you and smell?" A whole lot of things Sir! I am a nose person. Cant eat anything that smells. Or suck! Cant be where it smells etc etc. I can visualise smell...and most people have a picture associated with each smell. If you cant smell it Sir, you cant understand what I am saying! It's plain, simple olfactory...dear Watson too!

So till Dude and his pheromones keep creating chemical locha in my brain...or till such time I find the Perfect Shag... I shall remain my shag-a-delic self and literally raise my middle finger (right fist? Ha ha ha!) to loneliness.
May we all shag in peace.

October 14, 2006

Wonderin' if she could sniff some crotch

If we all were to live in a humpy-dory world where we all fucked and forgot...we would all live happily ever after. Because we would fuck, then we would forget and we would still fuck the same person(s) without any hard feelings. Hmm. utopia.

if human's behaved like dogs....we would all stare at each other's private parts as much as we wanted, scratch and even lick our privates in public and no one would think a thing was outta place, chase whoever we wanted...look at any number of the opposite sex and wag our tails. And if the interest was really great? Even sniff their crotches. If you like what you smell, you take it -- or stand in line -- or you move on to some more sniffy-fucky. Simple. Sigh. a dog's life. cant sniff no crotch. cant even dare. at least with cats and dogs you are certain they DO groom themselves/
PS: to self = do not write after vodkas. it sows. shows.

October 13, 2006

Vagina, highly distressed: Part 2

Vagina (V): Eve. Yo Eve. Down here! OF course you cant hear me. Uncross woman, ease into the chair, RELAX LADY! And let me breathe in the process. Denims make it difficult anyway. So Eve. Before you try and ignore me by running away for another cigarette break...What do you mean by indiscriminate sex?
Eve: "Indiscriminate sex is when you have sex with anyone."
Vag: Hello! when did you do THAT? Have sex with "anyone"? It's been ages.
Eve: "And that's why you are in a fit, because YOU haven't got any for sometime. You'd have me sleep with anyone. You're a Vagina, you don't think."
Vag: Quite right about me not being the Mind. I definitely don't think and complicate things. You and the Mind want to do it, go ahead, why make my life difficult?
Eve: what the fuck?! What's all this and what does this have to do with indiscriminate sex?
Vag: Not 'what' the fuck, 'where' the fuck is more appropriate in your case. Though unfortunately, my asking "where the fuck" is forced, while yours is voluntary stupidity.
Eve: what is involuntary stupidity?
Vag: That's when you are born stupid. But please, dont try and Think about it: keep your Mind out of this. We're talking about Me, your Vagina. And your abjectly selfish, Mind-centric, Heart-saving decision to not fuck..."

Eve: "...indiscriminately. I didnt say no, just the..."
Vag: "...who you sleep with. I can understand you not (or never?) wanting a relationship, but even a fuck buddy?! I think this — refer to earlier adjectives — decision of yours is all due to a skewed idea of indiscriminate sex. Or rather the application of that definition."

Eve: You've lost me Vag.
Vag: As long as you have me hun, we are all fine. Just that currently you are jeopardising my peace of...
Eve: ...mind? but you're the Vag, you're not the...
Vag: yea yea, whatever. Because in yoru case, you ave only been indiscriminate in sleeping with the Same Idiot and going back to him (them) even after you have realised it's an idiot. Because you are emotionally involved with him. It's a Mind issue. Why involve me in it? If you kept it simple, kept it to me, to sex, we would not have been having this talk and the poor Fingers would not have to type so much. You involve the Mind and then you have a Mind Fuck.
Eve: EH?

Vag: Ys. Only the Vagina - me - is supposed to fuck. The Mind's job is to think. So when you want the Mind to fuck — that's not its KRA — it bungles up adn you have a Mind Fuck. Haven't you ever thought how though the word Fuck by itself is quite pleasurable (oh the forgotten pleasures, hint, hint), the moment you attach a Mind prefix to the fuck, it becomes a Mind Fuck: a negative thing.

Eve: Er, get to the point... and I cant have sex for the fuck of it (shrug), what about my self respect et al?

Vag: O bloody big O. You have issues with everything. The only thing you need to change is that Mind of yours and we would all be living in fornicating happiness, ever after. I just want to fuck. It's the Mind that first wants to the "know" the FO (fuck object), then likes it the sends wrong signals to the Heart which makes you crave the hugs etc. Stupid. Please only me adn you'd be happy.

Eve: Basically think like a man, eh? Fuck and forget?

Vag: Umm. Think like a Penis, to be precise. A man does not have to make a special effort to think the way I am suggesting because after all, a Man' Mind IS in his Penis. Put your Mind in your Vagina and you will live happily ever after too. Because baby, there's no point suffering the whole Man when all you need is the Penis. Just get a vibrator.

PS: this isnt even multiple personality disorder.

Vagina, highly distressed: Part 1

Hello. I am Eve's Vagina and I am distressed (Have you ever seen a distressed vagina?)

However, there's something seriously wrong with Eve. While she never really has been the let's-talk-to-Vagina type, she at least used to listen to me earlier. As far as I am concerned, I blame it all on Moravia. Alberto Moravia and his The Two Of Us, to be precise. It's a book. About a guy who talks to his Penis -- which basically keeps cooking stories for the guy/protagonist/hero to go lay everything else other than his wife, Faucia. That's where Eve first came across the idea of talking to your Penis. Which is her Vagina, me :) That didn't sound right: Eve's vagina is not a penis (shudders at the thought).

Eve first came across the idea that one could (and many can by the by) talk to your Private Parts in Moravia's book. Thankfully, Eve interpreted the 'private part' to be me and not some other part she keeps private. Her ear drums for instance. But the day Eve realised she COULD infact talk to Me, she became of conscious of what I was saying...and what she was doing. And now it's come to THIS! Eve realising -- what a stupid word is that -- that she des not believe in indiscrimiante sex. Basically, no sleeping around. That sucks (dont I wish). So today, I have decided to make myself heard.

October 7, 2006

'Platonic spooning' a big lie

What's the most irritating thing that can happen when you're sleeping over at another person's place? Realising the next day that you've forgotten to bring a fresh set of panties. It's even worse if you're changing into jeans. Going commando in denims isn't that cool. Luckily, and when Murphy's Laws aren't working: you will forget the panties and carry a skirt. Convenient. Though there are women I know who are absolutely horrified at the idea of not wearing panties...at all times. I wonder if they take them off when bathing... I dont understand wearing underwear in bed either. I sleep in the buff, most times. Unless time, convenience and company is not to my liking. Anyway.

Went for a lounge music scene last evening that turned out to be part of a rock fest with some bands I was really not that keen on. The Educated Rocker was there with gang and so was his Nightingale. Had a vodka-on-the-rocks with a dash of cordial and took off. The idea was to head out for an at-home-movie and nightcap at the Thinker's pad. All was cool till the talking... it was the drive back where I got weird.

Thinker and me think alike, have a lot to talk about and he would be one of the men who stimulates me....mentally, the most. And he's an attractive man. And we've been attracted to each other for quite some time now, but have never felt the need to explore it further. Except last night when I got weird. Dont know about others, but I can pretty much tell when a situation is leading to sex. And the guy does not even have to look at me for me to know that. So I got weird...I wanted sex (well), but not with the Thinker.
"Why are you getting weird on me...dont deny, you are": Thinker
"Not on you, have become somewhat weird about sex.": Me
"So we wont have sex. When i think of you, I just want to cuddle..what you would call spooning in one of your writings. Harmless" : Thinker

REALLY. Think about it: you have a virile man, a wanting woman, who both decide not to have sex. One is drunk, the other slightly and stoned. Wearing a tee shirt and shorts. Smelling nice. You definitely want to cuddle. So you want to hold me against your chest, pull me closer and "spoon" me into you. How nice. Very comfortable....I can almost feel the stubble on my neck, the warm breath like a comfortin thought down my spine, that assuring arm around my waist, my heel (particularly after recent discovery of sensitive nerve endings thanks to Sole Male) beinng tickled by your toes.....sigh. And your penis prodding into my butt. It sort of spoils it all. When I am not in the mood for penis, or a particular penis. Or any particular penis. Or particularly a penis. Hmmmm.

The other day I was told -- it was an observation by Sexy Buddha -- that I was taking a little too much interest in Yogi Baba's very beautfiful, buxom and extremely do-able Model Wife. What a pretty name she has. Hmmm. I was. I want to shoot her. On film. With her hair open.

But am digressing. And thanks to all the probing-penis-in-your-butt thing, I missed my shag. :(
Thats me and my thoughts and no probing penises...not the way I dont want them. More on that later....

October 6, 2006

Bored of riding my boyfriend

Just a little conversation I had a with a gal-pal on IM...

Pretty Eyes: this is ur blog?
Me: yes, what do you think?
Pretty Eyes: neat may sound a bit feministic though & ur BF aint gonna be happy ;)
me: what is feministic? he doesnt know yet and its about the women. So WHAT is feministic?
Pretty Eyes: the definition of this word (feministic) is so twisted that speaking out ur mind & thoughts is feministic .... and hey, i quite endorse calling a vagina VAGINA ... hey so freaking true!
me: what's true?
Pretty Eyes: most men being bad in bed m yet to find one whos good
me: hahahahahaha, same here chica!
Pretty Eyes: have you noticed how quickly the physical attraction you have for a guy fades?
me: oh tell me about it ...
Pretty Eyes: as they r NEVER willing to put ur desires above there's, i swear
me: :) AGREED, because after a while a BOOR is not attractive!
Pretty Eyes: & even if they do ask honey wat do u want ... it fucking ends with u on top so minimal work for him
Pretty Eyes: with him getting max pleasure
me: and THEY convince you that YOU like woman on top!
Pretty Eyes: totally
me: "it gives you more control" ... no you bugger i want you on TOP and grunting
Pretty Eyes: but believe u me most women know the top by the end of it ... our generosity (for lack of a better word) that we do it
me: :P and do not forget the blow job ... ALways willing for it never willing to give it
Pretty Eyes: u go downtown i stay uptown.... most of them cant even work good uptown ... suck, at that too in the bad sense!
me: squeeze me baby and theyre fuckin squeezin your nipples out
Pretty Eyes: ha ha! thank god for pillows!
me: haha, yeah for when you are smothering your laughter and for men having deep sleep most of the times i have had to shag myself to sleep
Pretty Eyes: that and when they fail to deliver!
me: fuckers ... which is mostly and ..STILL have the balls to ask "how was it for you?
Pretty Eyes: i know they come means game over
me: absolutely and lord lettin them get away with a quickie ONCE it like asking for it....and forgettin the foreplay they always want a quickie
Pretty Eyes: hon, foreplay & afterplay r words they understand in a game of soccer not otherwise and most r bad kissers too man

October 5, 2006

I am Vagina; and am not a p***y

Hmm. Was re-reading what I wrote earlier and was mortified to realise that I shy away from calling my vagina, a p***y. I didnt call it a vagina either, but called it a 'Kat' instead (Kat = cat=pussy). Hmm. Why? Is it because I consider 'p***y' derogatory? what about snatch, c**t, venus mound, flytrap, etc etc? How come a vagina is called everything else but a VAGINA? And no, its not about how a penis is often (mostly) referred to as a dick either. The point is: you will still have it being called a penis, which is what it is!

However, when it comes to a vagina: somehow it is always a p***y. How many times have you heard? "Yo dude, watch that hot vagina coming our way!" Of course, call it a hot p***y and everyones instantly knows whats being talked about. Somehow calling a vagina a vagina takes away the p***y-sting. YES. it is a sting. I dont want my vagina called a p***y. So you wanna get into my pants? For my VAGINA. Not the p***y. The only puss I had was borrowed and is currently at Dude's place. [and will remain there :( ]

Its funny how despite having seen Monologues, the entire point about having the audience scream out "VAGINA" aloud, is making sense now. I have a vagina. I think of it everyday. I definitely touch it everyday. And I would accept its presence and existence everyday too. No more p***y, Kat, and all other p***y-names given for it.

Feministic? Umm, no? Have never understood the word. But definitely something I dont want to live with anymore.
Much has happened in and around my Vagina, for me to be calling it a mere p***y.