Raising my middle finger at loneliness: 1

Written on Diwali...

Happy Diwali! One of my favourite, pop-Bollywood movies is on Tv. The reception sucks and so Amitabh Bachchan and company are quite grainy. Doesn't matter as I remember the dialogues and expressions by heart. It's a musical. and except for the intermittent fire crackers going off in the neighbourhood, things are silent... That sounds like a line from Harry Potter... magic, self-starting fire-crackers by Fred and George and suddenly an owl will swoop down into my house and tell me I have been admitted to some magical land... :\ Doe Eyes is fast asleep. Just spoke to Dad and he supports my decision of rocking the boat at work...time before I do that, a week. Clock starts now. Hmmm

Festivals are times when strange things happen to me. They are never the same and they could be anything. Usually associated with the words blue, grey, bleak etc. For one, no festival (for some time now) has gone as planned. And strangely, am alone around each with-family-festival. Or not with people I want to be with. But fuck if that's going to get me down. Sure had things gone as planned, I perhaps wouldnt have been writing this post. But then hey. that would have meant a break in updating the blog! So good that I have time to write. Why do we seek out company? Is it because we dont have things to do? Or because we want certain people around when we do those things? Doe Eyes wants to adopt a baby as an answer to the loneliness. A BABY? How does that solve anything?

You are lonely or feeling so because you want someone to share things with, talk to, meet, hear and have sex with. A baby needs to be cared for. And if the solution to loneliness is just finding something distracting enough to do...get a pet, a hobby, a boy/girl friend or even a casual fuck (dont forget to desensititise the brain....sensitive brain?!) Having/adopting a baby to answer for your loneliness is stupid. And it doesnt solve anything. Today you are (presumably) young or young enough to do a lot of other things...and you get a baby and spend the next 14-15 years bringing up that baby. Thinking you'd have a companion someday. Or that someone...your flesh and blood..your child AT LEAST will love you, unconditinally, for who you are, for what you want to be.... And then the 'baby' starts living his/her own life and you are left lonely. Or not part of it...or there's not someone to sit and talk to you etc. Meanwhile the baby grows up to be another lonely individual, trying to find answers and seeking them in other people or even another baby... Yes, there are the joys of bringing up your child but when it comes to bringing up that child alone...where's the time for joy? Why would anyone want to solve their loneliness by gettin into a situation that is tough and there is no joy? Willingly that too? Asking for it? ....

This is not cynicism. This is realisation that loneliness is not a reason to adopt or have a child or even a relationship... It was one of my reasons — alongwith paranoia, self-doubt, chicken-shitness — for doing what I did. No babies. No loneliness either. Hope Doe Eyes has better sense too. Contd Below...