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October 25, 2006

I am Little Woman, wondering about married men

I am Little Woman, it's only recently that I was told that I am not a girl anymore. I realised that from the looks I am getting from the men around me as well. Suddenly, not as many older men call me 'beta'. They betta not too! Especially not with the way they seem to be watching me, looking me up and down... But of course all men are not like that.

Like Married Senor for instance... he really likes me. And of all the boys I have known -- he is not a boy though -- Married Senor really likes me and says he finds me beautiful. I have been called cute before, I have also been told that my skin is very nice. But Married Senor says I am beautiful. He talks to me, tells me about things, hears my opinions and even thinks that I am smart. I know I am. Just that, there is this little thing bothering me...

The other day, I spoke to Boss about Married Senor...I wanted to ask her if I should go the final way... I am a virgin. And Married Senor has a bad marriage...and is looking for support. Just that I am a little scared. Knowing of things and actually doing them are...scary. So I asked Boss about Married Senor and the first thing Boss asked was: "Does the dude have a baby?" I said of course not... Boss was sure there would be a baby on the scene.

But not all relationships (with Other Married Men) have to be bad or have to be the kind where the woman is fooled, right? I mean, according to Boss, Married Senor just wants his fun... But why does it have to be only his fun; even I could be having my fun with him, right? But you know what? Three days back, I met Married Senor and the Wife at a party... and learnt that she was pregnant. Two months. That means Married Senor slept with Wife AFTER he met me... But he said they had a bad marriage? "So how come the baby?" that's what Boss asked me when I told her that he was having a baby. Boss was not surprised, she says its the same story with all Married Senors. Especially the ones who say they have a bad marriage.

I am confused. I dont want to be a virgin anymore. I am curious about sex. But I am wondering: why cant I use Married Senor as well? If we are all adults, why do some adults lie to other adults to get their way? And what if Married Senor goes and talk about it to other people? What happens to my reputation? Why do men talk? Boss says there is nothing wrong with me, just that Married Senor is wrong.

But then I asked Boss --- how is it that men/boys my age dont look at/ like me? While Married Senor is the only man who ever found my beautiful? Boss says its because it is now that I am growing from a girl into a woman and many men will notice. Just that I have to be patient. Can I be patient...for an experience that should be beautiful, mutual, whole lot of fun and that should not leave me feeling used?

(as told to Eve*)


Anonymous said...

First of all, don't trust married men...at all. if they are lying to their wives, probably they are lying to u too.

i realised some time back that the more we grow-up, the more elaborate our lies. adult world is full of beautiful tapestry of words spoken but never meant. it's best to use your own judgement.

BTW, i read ur previous post. i believe that Indian girls are trained to think that anything to do with sex or sexuality is 'dirty' talk that only wayward and crass woman do. That, i think, is total bull****.

thankfully, i have come across many woman who escaped their 'training' and are discuss sex and mastubration and everything in between, with ease.