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February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day sex post because...

... this is popularly known as a "sex blog" and has a fucking reputation to maintain. Grin. So, a 20 pointer post on most things sexual!

A recent survey done by Chennai's Indian Institute of Sexual Medicine (IISM) states that about 16 per cent of Indians suffer from various forms of sexual dysfunctions. The reason? More stress thanks to a change in lifestyle whether it is working on computers, outsourcing of jobs and perhaps even blogging. Well, the survey does not mention blogging but we are assuming that if you spend most of your time surfing the net (for porn, eh?), 'facebooking' strangers or blogging, WHEN do you have sex?

Anyway, it got me thinking, all this dysfunctionality talk. When working for this other website in 2004-05, I used to handle the sex-queries column as well. And boy (or girl!), the kind of questions that came in either had me in splits or in pain. One person wrote in saying his "pin pin" was shrivelling while another couple asked if doing it "in the navel" would get her pregnant. Another newly-wed had not consummated their marriage for a year because she didn't like the look of "it". (Shakes head) Anyway...over the years, these are the few sexual topics that came up: Gleaned from real-life queries, discussions with friends and experience.

1. Too much sex makes you 'weak': No it does not. Instead, having sex everyday - or as frequently as you can -- will give you a healthy appetite, solve pimple/ acne troubles and even give your skin a glow that no moisturiser can match. what more, your muscles get a thorough workout, you have a constant happy mood (what with all that endorphin release) AND since sex releases pheromones, it helps you GET more sex. For men who think that frequent ejaculation will decrease their sperm count - or shrivel their penis -- seriously, have you ever heard of a muscle deteriorating due to too much exercise? And ladies, if you want that cellulite under control and that jelly-belly to go, start moving around in bed as well. If none of the above convinces you to have more sex, please remember that more sex -- with your partner people! -- will ensure she stops nagging and he comes back home on time (don't forget that condom or the contraceptive pills though).

2. Experimenting in bed means you are a 'dirty person': Only if you don't have tissues, towels or toilet paper handy! Seriously, doggy-style does not make you a dog like 'missionary position' does not mean you are being kind to your woman. For those who think making love is all about woman-below-man-on-top and then think their sex life is boring, here's a thought: A little imagination (and stamina), goes a long way. Try different positions, or even doing it in a different room or maybe even keep the light on for a change. When you change your lunch and dinner menu everyday, why should you do the same thing in bed all year round?

3. Oral sex can give you cavities: As much as kissing can make a woman pregnant. While not everyone is comfortable with the idea -- and it's perfectly understandable if you're new to it or with a new partner -- using the mouth is the fastest way to really 'know' your partner. It's not against the Indian culture either, the Kamasutra has some detailed chapters on the issue and everyone knows the KS is our biggest export to the world. Having said that, if one partner wants it and the other doesn't, talking about the issue will help more than sulking about it. However, two simple rules to follow: Don't force your partner and if it stinks, don't do it.

4. Wanting sex makes you a sex-addict/ nymphomaniac: ONLY if wanting food when you are hungry makes you a glutton, sleep when you are tired makes you a sloth and a pay-rise when you have worked hard makes you greedy. Sex or making love is a biological need and wanting it is as natural as closing your eyes when sneezing: You CANNOT keep your eyes shut when aachoo-ing and neither can you not want sex. As long as you are not forcing yourself on someone, not thinking sex ALL the time (like during cricket if you're a man) or with the wrong person, feel healthy, be healthy, have sex. And ask your partner politely!

5. If she is NOT screaming does not mean she does not like it or is faking it, it could mean she has a cough. Or bladder pressure or something else! Some women scream their lungs out -- better to ask your roomie to stay out that night -- and some prefer the silent treatment. And yes, some men DO moan as well.

6. If someone puts their tongue in your mouth while kissing, s/he is NOT trying to choke you (unless they really are). It's part of kissing! AND, two roses meeting each other is NOT kissing, no matter how many Bollywood films show it. This one was written because I distinctly remember this 21-year-old junior at work asking me, "JB, what does one do when a man kisses you?" She thought keeping the eyes and mouth shut tight was kissing back.

7. No matter how many porn movies you have seen, calling your woman "Mummy" (especially if she is Indian) will ALWAYS backfire. She instantly thinks mother-in-law and that could be really turning off. Most of us have seen Ekta Kapoor's serials... and those brainwash more than any porn can.

8. Role-playing does NOT mean you call your girlfriend by your ex-girlfriend's name. Or vice versa.

9. If you make your woman orgasm each time, it does not make you a lesser man... it ensures she is a happy DEDICATED to you woman.

10. No amount of money can substitute for a loving (sexually satisfying) man. If she says she only loves the money and you can either fuck whoever and not fuck her... She's got your money and someone else's balls.

11. While there are women who don't like to experiment and "lie like a sack of potatoes" in bed -- meaning women who will not do doggy, will not open her eyes, will not move, will want the light off at all times and generally just hitch her petticoats up -- You are heading for trouble girl. IF your man does not mind you being sack-of-potatoes and seems happy... Please check his travel schedule. Either he comes late from work or travels a lot... and guaranteed there's someone at office or travelling with him. He could be gay too. STOP being a prude, it's about getting COMFORTTABLE with your partner.

12. Having said that, if he FORCES you to have anal sex -- NOT to be confused with doggy style -- report to the police. (Apparently, 54 % indian women are okay with domestic violence. I have my doubts about that "violence" and WHY women dont report it). And no, ghee is NOT a lubricant. (You could threaten him with a strap-on)

13. No, you CANNOT do it in the ear. Or nostril. No, not even with lubrication.

14. Ah. Read in one of the issues of Maxim (India) - maybe two months back - a four-pager on 'How to go down on a woman'. Sorry to say the magazine was waaaaaaay off the mark on MOST things. FIRSTLY, a woman's vagina does NOT smell like dead fish. If you think it does, you have either not smelt a dead fish or are smelling the wrong woman. Probably yeast infection I would say. Secondly, if you have to use spit don't feel shy. If you don't like hair, ask her to shave AND be prepared to return the favour. Even women DON'T like eating hair. A wash once-in-a-while won't hurt you either.

15. If you fuck many different people, you will enjoy it more. Not necessarily. A whole lot of times if you are getting laid by everything or laying everything in sight (or with a bag on her head), it just becomes a routine exercise. Find, disrobe, fuck, forget, repeat. No matter how many women say they are okay with casual sex or numerous partners, somewhere the woman WILL feel used. Unless she gets paid for it or is a the local slut who hits on EVERYTHING.

16. No matter how many romance books say so and Bollywood movies show it, women do NOT cry -- or have gentle tears rolling down their faces -- when they cum. If yours does it repeatedly, you're bloody putting it somewhere wrong and HURTING her.

17. Masturbation will NOT kill you. And I mean women too. Seriously, if the sight of your ownself naked grosses you out, you either have issues or need to get to a doctor.

18. Not all men get horny after alcohol, a whole lot of them pass out. As for women, if she was 'easy' with you when drunk, she'd probably be easy with others when drunk too. AND, as a rule, people are different in bed when they are drunk and when they are not.

19. Rule when selecting porn -- that BOTH of you will watch -- get one with a good looking guy as well. DO notice how most porn movies have supposedly gorgeous women and horrendous men (think Ron Jeremy). When shrinks say that porn brings the zing back in a relationship, what they mean is that HE thinks of someone else while screwing you. Bastards.

20. Men love woman-on-top. However, if yours will have sex ONLY when it's WOT, he's a lazy bugger.

PS: Ah yes. If anyone has any queries about relationships or their sex life, email the questions/ situation/ problem to foxytanya@gmail.com DON'T ask questions about my sex life, those won't be answered. Any emails sent to ANY other address other than to 'foxy tanya' will not be answered. Simple, na? Answers will be given after consultation with those who might know better, unless I know best.

22 comments:

the mad momma said...

Guruji, I bow to you. Good one!!!! the kind you should take print outs and send to people :D

Maxine said...

Oh this post is all sex.

Too much thoughts about sex makes you weak.
Experimenting in bed means shopping for cheap bedsheets.
Oral sex can keep you hygiene.
If she is not screaming,you can continue.
Masturbation can keep you out of trouble.The underwater one is the best.Make sure you exercise well,eat right and keep you body touchable.And do not fall in love....the kind which keeps your fingers busy writing poetry etc.
Sorry...got bit carried away.

While watching porn--keep a paper bag near you to throw up aaahhh!

k am done...
Happy Hearts Day:)

crazyBugga said...

pretty borin [:)]

eve's lungs said...

Most enlightening - I agree with Maxine there on cheap bedsheets .

Pointblank said...

ho! ho! ho! hey.. but wot do u mean by keep the lights on for a change! does tat mean there is only late night activity?? And the lights are always switched off?? hmm... maybe u should have a survey on the lights being on/off??

Ravi said...

WoW!

This is one "Mind-Blowing" article!!

Thanks for sharing all that 'Gyaan', mam :)

Take care!

Abhi said...

Hmmm. I guess you attract names because you write about "s-e-x". God knows what terrible fate awaits our society when women talk about sex! blasphemous. It isn't a problem if the populace of the one of the most populated countries is painfully ignorant of the basics of "s-e-...". The very fact that we are so populated means that we do not need any more information about the details of "s-e-...".

It is only idiots like me who are worried that the list is "gleaned from real life queries"! It is only braindead folks like me who wonder when will the day come when we reduce our sexuality to a level of normal human activity instead of the glorious, elevated, secret knowledge available to those who acquire 'social sanction' and spread the knowledge to their friends as: jump and pump to hump. Well, but that is all that is necessary to populate the country! Who cares about feelings or communication?

Maybe someday we might grow up to see women as more than just "sex objects" and men as more than "being testesterone driven". Until then, let's be happy that journey has at least begun.

Silvara said...

Err...didn't get Abhi's comment but it's early, I'm still partially drunk from Valentine's Day and I haven't had my caffeine hit yet.

Great post!! People REALLY need to know this :)

Ok this word verification is going to kill me. 'acxyxfmm?'

pseudolegolas said...

If (s)he is forcing anything, it can be reported, even what is called "natural" sex.

By just attacking anal sex and combining it with "forcefully" and "violence", i don't know what are you trying to convey.

If it is practiced correctly it can be highly pleasurable for both (man and woman).

And like oral sex, anal intercourse was also practiced in India (Kama Sutra 2.6.49)

And if you are talking about law then Section 377 of India's Penal Code states that "Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with imprisonment for life, or with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine."
Now that means any act that is not for reproduction is punishable by law.

And ya exept for the fact that it can't be used with condom and it can cause yeast infections when used vaginally, ghee is a lubricant..........better use some water soluble one.

Anonymous said...

i like the comment by abhi, is that abhijit bakshi??

coming to the post, was this meant fr humour.. well then i think it was okay.
was it meant to impart some real sex tips.. well then its nothing close.

i like your other writtings though.

Eve* aka jb said...

Abhi: "The very fact that we are so populated means that we do not need any more information about the details of "s-e-..."."

Vehemently disagree. Sure sex is also known as/ called procreation but IF it is ONLY procreation, we are animals because humans ARE supposed to have sex for pleasure too...and preferably without side effects called babies. However just because we ARE as populated doesn't ensure complete know-how (or even not how) about sex. Perhaps PROPER knowledge AND talking, might just help keep that population in control, not have one woman produce four children and perhaps even prevent husbands from pity-fucking their wives -- because they HAD to marry -- and then have flings on the side. Maybe even keep couples together instead of looking at funny things like sharing partners, or leaving partners or spending lives unhappy. If you mean basic in-and-out and consequent sperm-releasing to be sex, wish you a satisfied life.

As for reducing our sexuality to yadayada, er, what? As for feelings and communication, it's a post, not a book. It speaks of certain specifics and not everything, or am I the only brain-dead-idiot who can see that? Also, whoever spoke about jump-and-pump-to-hump? YOU assumed whatever, this post could easily mean sex between two loving, communicating, MARRIED people or those dating each other or whatever. As far as I can see, the only one jumping is you, to conclusions!

Silvara: I agree, was Abhi trying to kick this post's arse or praise it???

Legolas: What I am trying to convey is pretty evident: DON'T force anal sex. And sincerely, other than porn stars who seem to enjoy it, so far ALL women who've been comfortable discussing it and all women I've been comfortable asking have DENIED liking it. And mostly because their partners were inconsiderate enough to NOT consider their feelings and the condition of said anus. For those who want to, SURE, the post says exactly that: Consenting adults,without hurting each other can try what makes each other happy.
About quoting the Indian Penal Code: Did you know that for a VERY long while, sodomy WAS not included in rape? In fact even intercourse, unless it resulted in EJACULATION, would NOT tantamount to rape. So much for the IPC.
And PLEASE, have you ever MADE gheee? It's made from malai/ cream and there is nothing called water-soluble ghee. Dunno about the sex, but you might need kitchen lessons my friend. :) And ghee is a lubricant only on chapattis/ rotis.

Anonymous: Take it in whatever way it appeals to you. The post did start with a 'grin'. And did it say anywhere that this is "sex tips?" It is said sexual topics. Also, ALL points raised have given considerable pain (eg. "If I want to have sex with my wife each night, am I an addict?"), caused much confusion ("DO women masturbate?" and YES a woman DID ask that question and thought she was doing something 'wrong') and hurt amongst those who either experienced it (like forced anal intercourse). Thankyou for liking the other posts. But eventually, it really doesn't matter.

Eve* aka jb said...

Ah left one out:

Pointblank: That suggests an alternative for those who consider it as an only-at-night activity AND keeps lights out; doesn't insist that sex is only for the night. Also, many women ARE very conscious of their bodies -- and men too -- and prefer to have sex in the dark (or even curtains pulled in afternoons). Make sense? :)

Eve* aka jb said...

Eve's Lungs and Maxine = An alternative to cheap bedsheets (and keeping the expensive one's stain proof) can be suggested. But then with people reacting to "sex talk when we have such population", wonder if they'd issue an fatwa if one were to mention body shots?!
(shrug. smile)

Mystique said...

god lord almighty eve....

Eve* aka jb said...

Mystique --> Maine kya kiya?!! They say never take the lord's name in vain, unless you're suffering from major pain. Reminds me, there's also a movie called Major Payne. :)

pseudolegolas said...

""Vehemently disagree. Sure sex is also known as/ called procreation but IF it is ONLY procreation, we are animals because humans ARE supposed to have sex for pleasure too."" quoted by the almighty eve.
Well search for animal sexual behaviour. they do it for fun too.

As for my ghee paragraph "And ya exept for the fact that it can't be used with condom and it can cause yeast infections when used vaginally, ghee is a lubricant..........better use some water soluble one."-it can't be used with condom because it can cause damage to it. And the phrase better use some water soluble one meant use some water soluble lubricant.

As for anal sex......i agree with u that among indian couples it is not practised by many..........but in europe, us etc it is regularly practised by about 20% and as much as 50% have tried it atleast once (according to some research papers).

Consider urself lucky to be issued a fatwa (if u ever manage to get one)........it proves that u r important enough to be considered for such high honour.

Abhi said...

Eve, and everybody.

Sorry all round. My earlier comment was a bad attempt :(.

What struck me in this post is the level of ignorance the post addresses and tries to correct rather than the specific points listed. And while we may debate the specifics for correctness (as has been done in a few comments), the ignorance level is the more serious issue IMHO (since the post has been "gleaned from real life queries"). Well ... if we are still wondering if doing it in the navel can give babies, or can we do it in the ear ... boy, oh boy (shakes head in disbelief).

My previous comment tried to vent out this frustration about the larger issue. I wanted to subtly bring out the need for such open discussions about specifics but I botched up big time :(. Here's an explanation.

The first paragraph tries to put the gun on Eve's shoulders and shoot the society. It tries to be a typical (prudish?/self righteous?) person (for whom the "Before you read my blog" notice is required) who criticizes Eve in the reply that hides a contradiction.

The second para tries to bring out the hidden stuff by belittling my actual views, and forcing the "j-p-to-h" view as all that is required (sorry Eve, but I don't do the "j-p-to-h" way).

The third para is normal.

And just for the record: I disagree with the idea that because we are so populated we do not need to look at such issues. Au le contraire, I suspect the opposite to be true. I do not see anything worth kicking ass here. Just that I have once more been struck by the general level of ignorance. In fact, the only suspicion I can have is that Eve is probably lying about these issues being addressed to in real life ;). But then, I have been party to discussions on some of these (esp. those related to "sex-is-dirty" type), so I am inclined to believe the need for specifics.

Once again, my apologies all round for my confusing previous comment. I hope this one does better.

Anonymous said...

woops, i am 17 comments late..:)
well, eve, great post.. love it. these might not be eye opening facts (for me atleast), but it sure cracked me up
and seriously, whoever thot ghee to be a lubricant.. ewww!

rima

Maxine said...

Abhi,low or no sense of humour is not an excuse to steep down so low and call someone a liar.


Cant think of an alternative to cheap bedsheets.But then having a cozy linen under,over,around you does make a difference (especially when the sex is bad).I say..,it all should start with education,then getting a good job,making enough money so as to afford expensive bedspreads and then having sex.With teenage pregnancy n all,waiting for a man or a woman who can afford such luxury would be worth.And writing to Nirma,or Surf to produce an after sex washing solution.
Blah ;)

Face Behind the Mask said...

Partner : I would love to act in a sex comedy !!

Me : Oh ! But sex with you has been a comedy !

taurius1 said...

"13. No, you CANNOT do it in the ear. Or nostril. No, not even with lubrication."

This one made my blink twice. But then again, I've seen weird stuff.

I've seen some guy ask a question in the local tabloid's sex guru's column that went something along the lines of: "I had sex with my boyfriend, but since we did not have a condom, I used a polythene bag that got torn during intercourse. Will I get AIDS?"

Whether someone really asked that, or it was just planted there for laughs, I have honestly never seen anything more funny and scary at the same time.

Aluchaat said...

point no 13 and 14 made me choke and i am not even kissing anyone at the moment :D