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February 18, 2008

'She wants to keep our relationship a secret'

You know Valentine’s Day has just gone by when you see love still lingering in the air, what with residual heart-shaped balloons floating around in offices, belated-e-greeting cards, telephone companies spamming inboxes with love tunes and looking-in-love couples everywhere.
Most (young) couples in love – barring the private few – have the peculiar habit of wanting to scream out their love from rooftops. Come V-Day and even the silent ones declare their love by infiltrating coffee shops, markets, parks, park benches and bushes. Much as the moral brigade complains, one can’t really blame the declaring-their-love-couples. Perhaps it’s something to do with ‘when you’re happy clap your hands’, or show your love.

However, what happens when one partner is comfortable declaring s/he is in love and the other does not want to acknowledge it? What when one partner wants an affair to remain a “secret”? What when your girlfriend/boyfriend shies away from introducing you to his/her friends? Or denies having a relationship when in company? What when your Facebook profile says you are “In a relationship” but your partner’s profile reads “Single” or worse still, “Single and looking”?

This is one of the emails that came in response to the ‘Why does she still talk to her ex-lover’ article. “I have been in love with a girl (V) for the last seven years. She knows very well that am in love with her and we used to talk a lot over the phone. However, she always insisted that we keep our ‘relationship’ a secret. But now suddenly, she says she wants to be ‘just friends’ and says she will not go against her parents wishes. I believe she loves me but is not willing to accept it. She insists that I will soon find a ‘better girl than her’. At times she does not reply to my messages and ignores me. However, she wants us to remain good friends forever. Should I accept her friendship and suppress my love? Or should I just walkout? Please suggest.” -- M

Before you read the feature FURTHER, let me know what you think of the situation:
1. What would you do if your partner wanted to hide your relationship from people?
2. Should M continue his association with V or move on?
3. Do you think the girl V really loves M?
4. Is one-sided love a good idea?

Read the feature further: Are you barking up the wrong tree buddy?


Maxine said...


1.V declared his love.M tried it out.Maybe did not feel the chemistry.And perhaps took time to realise.V should accept that and slowly try to move on,if not the next second.V can never force M to love him back just because he happened to love her.I would say,accept the friendship offer and feeling rejected,insulted etc for many more,V WILL definitely move away.Hopefully wont reach a level of hate.Dont let that happen.Its nice to realise oneself that love visited once.And it sure will come again.
2 At this point ,yes.
3.Nope.Unless the other person has nothing else to do.Or on a serious note,there are things beyond ones power.And even the right thinking minds gets confused.But just be careful not to terrify the other person.Do not forget you LOVE that person.So,if you cant have him/her,just let him be.Love does not always mean ending up in bed.

Anonymous said...


I am married and was going around with a single person who always wanted to flaunt his relationship. Outside my home/ locality while dropping me, he would make sure to kiss me. in public we would hold hands or he would hug me.
Once i went to his coffee shop which he owns. I had been invited by him. to my surprise, he stood so aloof from me. He could barely say hello to me. I knew nobody else in his party and stood alone for some time like a fool. Finally i left. I came back and had a good look at myself. I was almost going to have inferority complex about myself, my appearance etc. Then I decided to take a strong step. This was not the first time when he had suddenly become an alien when surrounded by his own folks or in his periphery. I was not expecting him to smooch me in front of his staff members in his Cafe but as they say, woman does have an seventh sense. My instinct clearly told me that he was ashamed of me and wanted to keep this secret. Needless to say that we have broken off.

Anonymous said...

thanks so much for the post eve, was struggling with the same questions for quite sometime!

N said...

1. I'd be very very hurt and knowing me (and obviously i only speak of myself)my underconfidence might cause me to believe that i am so unlovable that he is hiding it...er...having said that i'm working on loving myself etc so hopefully when the pain settles down a bit i shall assess the relationship in the longer run and call it off...

2. M must first and foremost believe that he DOES understands his own needs and the relationship dynamics more than anyone else...and he should be honest to himself but not question himself or judge himself for his decisions constanly...
It's do good to him to define and redefine what he thinks love is...

3.I have my doubts...i am not saying it in the bollywood filmi kinda way that love conquers all etc but if u really love someone you would try hard to make it work, walk many extra miles...i mean if it is love it is YOUR love too and not just HIS love...it's a combined realtionship so if something is worthwhile for you, you do investments and efforts towards that...and if that is missing, there is reason to doubt LOVE.
I am sorry about trickle dots and ands and buts etc. I know it is lazy and bad writing but please it's not a formal thing, right?

4. One sided love? I have been in a one sided, silent but intense infatuation for four years and i am still trying to resolve it without saying this is right and that is wrong kind of an approach. I strongly believe LOVE is between two equals and reast is a crush or an infatuation, that is very often a cover for complexes or issues. That is just my humble opinion

Anonymous said...

a woman's got to be stupid enough to think there is ANY other reason for lack of public display of affection ( to the extent that he refuses to aknowledge ) than the man cheating on her or merely using her as a "timepass".

Eve* aka jb said...

Hello N... presume you are a new reader... feel free with the dots, ands, buts...its NOT a formal forum, just a place where we all discuss things. :) and welcome!

Anonymous 2 = what if the person on the receiving end is a man and the no-public-display is being done by a woman? Same rule?

Anonymous 1 = without even 'knowing' you... glad it helped in whatever way.

To All = the signs-of-non-interest and suggestions/advice in this post are CASE SPECIFIC. There could be cases where the other is just not ready to be in a relationship or a public one and therefore shies of acknowledging it.

Eve* aka jb said...

oh no..there are 3 anonymouses....ladies and gentlemen, even if you want to remain anonymous..can you guys at least have a presumed identity? Makes it tough responding to anonymous 1, anonymous 2 etc!! PLEASE!!

Anonymous said...

Okay this is N and i am going to call myself Vasilisa...
Russian princess of Russian folktales....hee hee...

Anything for you Madame Eve, because I love your blog!!!