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February 16, 2008

A bitch on heat is a Life Lesson

OR… If you talk about doggy style, I will SHOOT you.
Did you know that it’s true? The thing about shit hitting the fan and when it does, it’s a WHOLE LOT OF SHIT? About everything going wrong at the same time? Heart-break, forced sex, homelessness, possible loss-of-job, paranoia… this week has covered the entire fucking gamut of Disasters. And Life Lessons.

1. If you forget your keys at home, it means you are not thinking straight.
As I left for court this morning, forgot to lock the bedroom door and later had a mild panic attack when I couldn't find the keys in my bag. I had visions of the office laptop, camera, friend’s TV and the ONLY electronic item I own – an iron – being stolen; me being fired and then landing in jail because I won’t be able to replace the laptop. It’s perhaps a simple thing, forgetting keys at home, but for mother-of-paranoia-me, it’s a sign of being in denial… Of other things that might be bothering me. Like the loss of innocence…

2. Never write a post titled ‘doggy style’ if you have dogs, you don’t know what you are asking for…
Valentine’s Day (Thursday) sucked for me (the evening was much better). Woke up, put the dogs out on the terrace and THEN when I step out to give them water – that was 15 minutes and a cup of coffee later – bloody Golu Dawg and Loona are ATTACHED at the bum. In other words, my BABIES were fucking. Each other! And just days after I put up a post called ‘doggy style’. And they don’t even have morning-after pills for dogs. Scowl.

3. Sex changes both men and dogs
My innocent Loona is now a woman. And Golu! Oh my god. I have FINALLY understood the full import of the phrase, “When men behave like dogs.” I’ve had Golu since October 2006 and he has NEVER growled at me. EXCEPT for now and just because he smelt some p***y (doggie?). He refused to eat, chased Loona all over the terrace, BIT the maid, peed in 14 different places and even threatened to rip my throat out because I tried to SAVE Loona. I am telling you, sex changes men and dogs; and when denied, both behave the same: Like lunatics.

4. Sex also changes how women and bitches walk
Golu Dawg’s character changed from ‘sweet, considerate, intelligent’ to ‘randy, uncontrollable and only-wants-to-hump’ in a matter of hours. And I have seen many men behave like that, usually after downing copious amounts of Old Monk rum. Golu even cornered Loona under the bed and REFUSED to let anyone near as if declaring, “Grr, this bitch is mine and no one get near her.” And no, both men and dogs don’t seem to understand or respect a ‘No’. Loona on her part behaved like a whole lot of women I know: Shimmied her furry bum in Golu’s face when she wanted it and then howled and screamed ‘he’s forcing’ me when she didn’t. Talk about giving mixed signals. And from hopping around like a frisky puppy, Loona has suddenly taken to being all dainty. My bitch is bloody cat-walking. Both Partner and I are/were in shock. Partner wouldn’t even hug Loona for two days shaking his head and saying, “She’s changed in my eyes,” along with frequent groans of “Oh my god, LOOK at them.”

5. The way to a man’s heart (and dog’s) is through the stomach
The thing about “way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is ALSO true. The ONLY way Golu could be taken away from Loona was by showing him a piece of chicken and then running with it on the terrace so that he would follow. I have been doing that twice a day since fucking Thursday.

6. When you want something bad, there is always a family emergency
Matters didn’t improve what with the last two days of unfruitful visits to the court, Tees Hazari again. Friday -- to be the final day at court -- turned out to be an anti-climax as after waiting for 6 hours was told the judge had to leave due to family emergency. Today was a whole lot of waiting and nail-biting ONLY to be told that I have to appear in court again on Monday morning for the judgment.

7. If you believe in superstitions, they come true
Those who have been frequenting this blog will know that I seem to have a 6-month-frequency of changing houses. The Curse of House Change has come true again. If the fucking events of Thursday ere not enough, got a message from the landlord saying, “Kindly please vacate my premises in a month.” This time it is because the Occupants of this building didn’t want the landlord to have tenants in the first place and always make it a point to chase out whoever comes and lives in this house. Why the fuck was I not told about that EARLIER? So they have tried everything from, “Her dogs bark” (while of course their dogs are musical) to “Her lovers’ wait downstairs and stare at her balcony” (which was actually taxi drivers in jeans!!), to “Her clothes drip water on my verandah”, to “She fights with auto drivers”, to “Her maid talks back” (when their husbands try to hit on my maid), to “She threatens police action on everything” (when their hubbies and sons behave like peeping toms). So now amidst court cases, fucking dogs and missing work WITHOUT wanting to, I ALSO have to find a house. YET FUCKING AGAIN.

And yes. Loona has been adopted by another family as of this afternoon. Had to, Golu was getting uncontrollable and I refuse to get his balls chopped off – as suggested by two vets. Golu is not talking to me now, though if he knew what people suggested about his balls, he would perhaps appreciate me more. And to respect his feelings, am thinking of laying off sex for a bit. It’s not fair you know… As I type this, both of us are sitting in our respective rooms, depressed and moaning. Er, only Golu is missing the sex, I am just missing Loona.

7 comments:

taurius1 said...

Loona's going? :(

I liked her more, for some reason. >_<

I shudder to think of the day I'll have to let got of my doggie.

pseudolegolas said...

Its true that after getting a gal, guys (and dogs) looses their mind......but its temprory...........he will be fine within 15-20 days (no m not a pet doctor)...........you dont have to give loona away..........everyone have bad days.........soon (after 2 or 3 months) u will have one of the best days of your life (m neither an astrologer)..........keep smiling :)

Maxine said...

Have moved to 3 different apartments in 2007.Relax and lets hope you will find a place in a month,a place more auspicious for writing this blog etc.And after Monday,let everything be another beginning.So welcome the move.

Valentines day makes me laugh.There was a time when i used to buy a card,write some thing like"to my love"etc and sign n keep without posting to anyone.Just like that.And after some days would throw away fearing if mom would find it.And this year I got one.When asked about the content of the card,the dude was surprised.Apparently he just picked up a card without reading it lol.

So Golu bites now.I dont know much about dogs....but just be careful around him.His innocent pictures are now barking infront of my eyes!

Pointblank said...

That was a mixed post, from animal sex to house hunting! And for some reason, I thot only my life was in a mess. I couldn't handle the pressures of living alone and moved in to my parents' house!

And then, y dont u keep Loona and get Golu adopted??

the mad momma said...

all the best with the house shit.

Anonymous said...

house hunt is sucha pain.. good luck woman!

rima

Anonymous said...

why u separated the happy couple... were u jealous of loona taking away golu's attention.... feamle jealousy... ahhhhh...