Miasma and the top five reasons for sex with the ex

I really want to sleep, but I think I should eat before that. I should also get myself to a doctor asap to start the thyroid medicines and get a mammography done as well. Sigh. Much work around the house as well. One does get tired, a little too frequently now, and there’s so much to do. Anyway.

The two things foremost on my mind are parents and ex-boyfriend; and both are topics I would rather not dwell on. (And as go with such topics, they are still always on your mind) To begin on parents is daunting. They represent love, anger, extreme frustration, unasked questions, unnamed blames, guilt and such, extreme hopelessness on both sides that… It’s just tiring at times to think that there was a time when it was not like this.

And to think that there is actually an exact time that I can pinpoint when it all ended, the moment of truth, the instance of cognizance, the loss of innocence, the death of trust, whatever – rather dramatically and again so in a manner so fucking ‘scripted’ that it makes my skin crawl to think am being divinely manipulated.

(burp – took a pause, had dinner, and meanwhile…)

… have completely lost my earlier train of thought. Though from the gist of what I was writing, thank god for short-term memory loss. Or voluntary amnesia. Am I bitter? No, I am too busy grasping what’s happening all around me; because while my happiness is all about me, the other stuff, it’s almost mirrored to some or the other degree with people all around me. It’s the same shit!

Am I angry? Hmm. More like impatiently incredulous. Like HOW big a fraud those self-help books are. They don’t help at all! Their solution to break-ups and loneliness? Oh why, but believe, believe that you are worthy of love and it will all come to you. Right and holy shit, I did not know that fact. So I shall walk up to the ex and say, “Listen, that thing you said about the persistent fool, I think I am just persistent, you are the fool,” and then add how I know I am the best thing in the world for him and then wait for him to fall in love with me. Yeah? Of course not! Here the self-help books will add helpfully, as a footnote often, that you should be open to someone else loving you. So why the fuck, couldn’t they in the first place say it directly that the ONLY solution to breaking up is finding a new one and if you cannot find a new one then basically you are a moron who’s going to be alone and spend her/his life reading self-help books.

And no, I have not bought any self-help book. I have two, both gifts from my dad. Anyway, am obviously going all over the place. The food is nicely settled in. My stomach behaves like the stomach of kids suffering from starvation. It’s all sucked in and flat when there’s no food inside and it becomes round when you put something in. Damn.
Sleepy-sleepy. Good night.

PS: And the top 5 reasons why sex with the ex rocks are :-

1. There is no awkward understanding body strength moments, you know he can handke your 'weight'... unlike when the guy thinks he can flip you over without him sliding out and when he does try the flip, he strains a muscle or something.

2. You know he wouldn't look alarmed, faint, start laughing or raise his eyebrows at the queef. He'd know it's a queef.

3. You know you will like it (if you don't and you're still doing it, you're a moron) There are no grossing out moments when you are doubtful if you really want to know what lies underneath or when it's over and you realise that for all the chemistry and sparks, the sex sucked.

4. You know what to do after sex, whether you can cuddle, or snuggle up close or lie sprawled on your stomach breathing heavily and crying the lawrd's name.

5. You are mindful of each other's frailties and bed-follies... slow the pace if one is panting, change over if the other is exhausted; unlike someone going at you like an Energiser bunny.