Sometimes, over time and things and much water under the bridge, you realize things about people you have known. Facets to them that you didn’t know existed or didn’t even bother thinking about or assumed wrongly.
It could be good things. Like realizing that the only thing stopping your very-talented friend from wowing the world is stage fright. Or how your in-control-of-herself friend can be naively in love…again and again. Or how your mortified-of-technology mother wants to learn ‘the Internet’ to be able to talk to you. Or wonder why the maid got a little ‘hedge’ plant and put it in a basket… as a surprise. Or even the cat -- which is not supposed to be an affectionate animal, particularly if it’s not yours – remembers you and jumps onto your lap purring, even months later when you meet it. Or your always-on-the-go-boss will leave everything at the mention of good food. And takes the whole office with him. (And still get the work done). Or how the unlikeliest of people will spend a good chunk of an early evening off with you, sharing their time; without asking for anything in return.
Or how some things remain a constant while simply appearing to change. Funny how when I wrote in college – and won consecutive inter-college story writing competitions – my college creative writing society refused to publish my work. Didn’t write a word for them after that. Much like the refusal to acknowledge my blog by certain some. It could be bad writing, but at least acknowledge it (grin). Like people and relationships too.
Each relationship sort of makes your I-don’t-want-this list clearer. However, there are two questions: Why did you want it in the first place and how will you remember your entire list to know exactly what all you didn’t want? And lately, it’s just so t.i.r.i.n.g the entire charade of Everything. But I am not talking about it in an oh-I-am-so-tired-way, it’s in a more I-am-dead-bored-of-it-way. It’s like dude, bugger off and go find someone else. A relationship or having someone in your life is not just about the next cuddle or the next phone call or even the next trip together. At times there’s much more involved; or it could also be considered very little. Like life and death, basic respect for another’s life, a single thought for another’s well-being – particularly when unwell, like giving space to another viewpoint to breathe, letting go of at least few character quirks and acknowledging the fact, that the Other with you, is a human being. And not just someone to manipulate, use and discard at your own will. Anyway…
An evening of conversation (a rarity for me) later, a friend said, “If we take out that one word from our association with people, that one word – POSSIBILITY – half our fuck-ups are over. If we stop thinking whether that person will be with us for the next 10 years, or sleep with us that night and just take it as a THERE…” ß All that because I mentioned enrolling myself into relationship rehab. The NEED to get over It(ch) is immense but the effort put in and the output are not matching. There are lapses. And if those lapses deepen, it all becomes raw and bleeds. And you feel ashamed of yourself for feeling like an arsehole all over again: because you can SO see WHY you don’t want it and yet… And because there is a “yet” despite everything, you know you are an arsehole. However, it’s not to say there’s love etc… but I do wonder, WHY don’t I hate?
Perhaps because you realize that not just the past, but most of the present isn’t worth anything either: not thoughts, mind space, emotions and definitely not time. Like Friend mentioned as well: “Life is always in binary. There’s always a yes or a no.”