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July 24, 2007

Hah, it IS all about me.

Long time, no write. Actually, it's more like a case of lots of write, no post. Just didn't want to. At times, there's nothing to say, at others there's too much. Then of course are the thoughts that are forever developing, transforming, changing. Ideas and perceptions that grow, expand, turn into things and entities you had never considered. And people. It's strange the many types of people we have around us. Just strange...

To be very honest though, I didn't write because I was feeling selfish. Selfish about my time, my mindspace, my thoughts, my words, me. As someone said the other day, "So you're growing up," when I narrated certain strange reactions of mine to situations that had not seen me reacting like this earlier. For one, I have not been out of the house -- like a party, club etc -- for close to a month now. I just don't feel the need to... step out or meet people. And for those who REALLY want to meet ME -- not to laugh at me, or call me a freak or point out how I am inadequate etc -- they ALWAYS come home. It might be very few people and such trysts, fewer and far between, but it's nice. To know that in this huge, huge world, when you barricade yourself in your house, there will be few who will still seek you out.

On one hand, it's a thankyou to those who do find time. On the other, it's with a happy sense of letting go that I realise that those I don't meet, are perhaps not even needed in my life. And since wanting people or some people in my life has only turned out leaving me alone and trying to be brave (by myself) each time.... I suddenly realised it's not about other people at all. It's about me (how nice!) and if at all the Me has to be happy, then it's the Me who has to make me happy. I don't know if I am bitter, perhaps not, perhaps that weird yucky taste will go after a while. But I am grateful to my own self for NOT feeling the need. Funny how the year-ending horoscope for 2006 said, "You will welcome the new year with a strong and beautiful partner by your side." Yup, ME!

Each time earlier -- heart break, stress, burn out, family stuff -- I would seek out people. Head out to town and forget everything by immersing myself in people, music, noise, laughter (however forced) and of course, a new relationship. Willy-nilly, wanting-not-wanting, planned-unplanned, every relationship failure was followed by getting into another bound-to-fail relationship. Whether it was bound to fail because it wasn't meant to be or because I consciously chose people with whom things would sour after a while... I am not sure, yet. I am thinking on it, it will clear out in my head sooner than later. (Erm, I realised that despite all failed relationships; there has been only one where I was dumped; after that one, it's always been me who had walked out each time... and... HMM. This is another post, some day...)

However, this time, it's been different. I did not go on a mad party binge. I did not get into a relationship, definitely not knowingly and have been so wired AGAINST anything of the emotional-sort that even subconsciously, I have switched off relationships. Why? Because I don't want it to be another joke anymore. There are lives involved... and perhaps not just mine. Hearts. Sanity even. And more than anything else, I don't want to get into another relationship l because I WANT to believe that there IS love. Perhaps I am not supposed to get it --- there are MANY people alone in this world to prove that not everyone meets their soulmate... or perhaps the soulmate doesn't see it that way -- but I DO want to believe in it.

I do want to believe that men and women love each other so much that they KNOW they want to be together for life...whatever that might entail. That they will stand by each other, celebrate the good times and hold hands during the bad ones. I want to believe that two people want to be together and create a third who they can love and teach and protect and cherish like the way perhaps their parents did for them. I want to believe that people want to start a family, for love. I want to believe that it is possible for two people to not completely like everything about each other and still love each other. I simply want to believe that Love exists. I am okay (gradually it will get better) with the understanding that perhaps it's not for me.

And no, I am not blaming anyone. Someone said recently, "You are no homemaker either." True. I am shit when it comes to managing a house compared to my mother... or even his mother. But... neither of our mothers was a journalist, doesn't that count, please? I did try, couldn't do it all. Used to get really tired after work. And am sorry. It wasn't just him. I was at my worst too... If he lost his temper, I was not like my mother, who I have seen keeping quiet, even when she was right, to avoid an unpleasant scene at home. I break glasses, not always, but well, I do. I remember vividly when I smashed a beautiful touch lamp to little bitty pieces on the stairs... I was SO angry with him. But... it's over.

And I did not date anyone... it's been a year. Oh, I have tried, I tell you. Not like consciously stepping out with an I-want-a-relationship agenda, but I have tried. The usual meet new people, single-mingle, strut your stuff thing. Joined salsa too. That didn't work because I kept remembering him saying, "Real men don't dance, they groove." (Smiles) He was the worst relationship I ever had.... simply because I lost all control. Over my temper, my thoughts, emotions, sense of well-being, jealousy, moods, life, love. I cannot give in half measures. And all that when he never once -- unless you call a drug-induced euphoric phase where he promised love and many babies and togetherness and wanting to see every inch of my body and said how he'd hold me each time I wanted to, ha, ha -- he never once said that he loved me.

Ha ha. In fact while I was... the time I was discovering about Little Dream he was announcing to his friends that in fact, he did not love me at all. Never had. So. Well. Guess am not that smart. But I think it's beginning to make sense. And it taught me things the last decade of disastrous dating could not--- I am not meant to be loved. To love, yes, not the other way round. I am supposed to love and let go (not that my wanting to hold on makes any difference!) and be alone. So I shower it all on my two dogs, and oh god, they give it back. With every lick, nibble, wagging tale, swinging tongue and bed-mucking....my dogs LOVE me. Even if I am a terrible home-maker.

PS: In retrospect/edit mode, the thing about "am not meant for love" is not meant weepily! It simply means, perhaps not the homey-holding-hand sort of love. Perhaps it has to be something else or maybe I get busy in a whole lot of things... Like what I am trying to say IS: It is NOT (as) scary a thought. The thought of loving someone and NOT having them in your life... or of them marrying someone else or of touching the other the way they touched you (that one's the worst). It sort of does not matter anymore, having or not etc... once you know your own heart for sure.

11 comments:

taurius1 said...

Found the secret of happiness, finally!

I'm happy for you! ^_^

varun said...

All we need is just a little patience.....
- Guns n Roses

Anonymous said...

they say there are times one writes from the heart. it's been a while since i have been reading your posts. may i say no other post has been more heartfelt than this one? though couldnt help smiling at the post script

mahua said...

i would love to have you over for dinner. which day is a good day?

deepti said...

As long as you know what you need and not necessarily what you want; you cracked the code girl! And while we are at it..you got ma LOVE!...

burf said...

hey, how are you feeling about the new job?

clit.chatting said...

@ Mahua = why thankyou! pick a day and let me know either the evening before or early morning: will surely land up. And please, since I have pups, would be far easier for you to just drop in. my name @ gmail.com is my email address. :)

@ anonymous = you are not the regular anonymous, are you? you dont sound like him/her. Hello!

@ Deepti = I lurve you too.

@ B urf T = hey! new job's cool, though wanna do more. How're things with you...long time.

Anonymous said...

Hi . I visit your blog occasionally . I read your 24/7 "Hah, it IS all about me." I will only say that while it IS true that people and relationships are hollow and based on all kinds of hypocrisy , you are announcing it like its news . Unfortunately , it is a fact that one needs people and relations to live in this world . One has little choice other than to be as ostensible as one can be . You like to style yourself as a Nietschean " free spirit " , while pampering yourself in your bohemian lifestyle . Unfortunately for you , my dear , it is'nt all about you . Since we're 6 billion people all lumped together with increasingly diminishing resources , your will alone has little meaning or significance . And your writing is pompous and pretentious to the last degree : it tends to the purple and the precious . Grow up , honey .

clit.chatting said...

"One has little choice other than to be as ostensible as one can be."

That is entirely your viewpoint; you may well continue living with your ostentations. And pray, do drop those occasional visits to the blog as well.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm......your command of English is dim : being ostentatious and ostensible are two completely different things ; the opposite things , in fact (You thought they have the same etymology). And did you even read the rest of what I said ? Perhaps I should apologize : I did'nt mean to be rude , and I have no wish to start a fight with you . Your writing articulates a great deal of feeling , but it is certainly very , very affected , or it reflects your [affected] attitude . In fact , IT IS YOUR WRITING THAT IS EXTREMELY OSTENTATIOUS.........

clit.chatting said...

The meanings and differences are well understood. But since we are talking about my attitude; your ostensible is being ostentatious to me. Did read what you wrote after.
And if the idea was to write only for myself, i would stick to the personal diary or would at least disable comments. Enough said.