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October 10, 2007

T & T

This and that. That and this. Waterfalls behind kitchens. Mountains. Kalimpong. The white nightgown. 37 kgs. Shoulder blades. Midival Punditz... saathi haath badhana? Happily ever after. Macabre. Mother. Investments and tax. Deadline. Script. Insomnia. Silk Cut. Parantha and butter. Lots of butter. Butter that clogs the pores. The nostril. No breath. Spinning head. Turbulent thoughts. Peace? Piece. Scalpel. Incision. Incisive. Decisive. Derisive. Deride. Self-obsessed. Stubborn? Determined. Really? Aim? Uh. Bitter? More like raw. Howl. to the moon. Two-in-one. One in two? in my head. swirling. twirling. twisting. turning. love. bite. love bites. lol. also called hickey. hic. insanity? silly excuse. and, no. volume. ear plugs. poke. stoke. broke. broken. empty. use and throw. use me, hey! throw and use? would be recycle. motorcycle! crash. itch. hitch. sai baba. fertility god. nymphomaniac. lol. maniac. water. flood. drown. yamuna. declare. really? aver? what? amavasya. venus retrograde. huh? DJ. friend. dont go. or perhaps no. can i call you? perhaps no. scraped. insides. uterus. the core of eve's apple, forever within her as her uterus. lump. breast. the lump called breast. or breasts. darla and dorothy. not identical. mole. role. hole. fall. anonymous. annoy mouse. rodent. hamster. no. NO! vibrate? electrocute. me. bad hair day. nonsense.

i want pain, huge amounts of it. physical pain. so it shuts out what's happening in my head. can't seem to stop it. it's on autopilot. on a vertical nose dive. and no stimulus, really. set to self-destruct anytime. can hear it. grinding together, mish-mash, swish-swash. some parts inside the head feel heavier. perhaps the blood curdles there. why? no promises ever made. no, no. not promises. i am disappointed. in me. for even... wishing. sickening fucking sense of want. oh, please love me? woof, woof. wag, wag. haha. and really. cant be self-confident, bullshitting self always. THIS is me. insecure. unsure. wanting. wanton. craving. crayon. lol. bad one. i really want some pain. like acupuncture needles. only, not to relieve pain. relive perhaps. might take the mind off and make it STOP.

PLEASE make it stop. swirling. twirling. cant let me walk. or work. just spinnnnnnnnnnnnnning.

please stop.

7 comments:

Maxine said...

i want pain.nonsense.

Mountains.amavasya.to the moon.water.yamuna.saibaba.Mother.

Two-in-one.love.motorcycle.Lots of butter.Determined.Happily ever after.

taurius1 said...

i'm just as fucked up in my head as this, if it's any consolation. all people are. me more than most others is probably the effect of almost 6 years of espresso induced hyperactivity... most people push the maddening thoughts away to a far corner of their being and never let themselves worry about them.
most people do things by the book.
it's safe. it's comforting. routine is comforting.
most people end up being boring.

face behind the mask said...

Guess, you are expressing it in words, what most of us feel. Its just "one day at a time" for me these days.

Take care & if you wanna share a shmoke lemme know !

eve* said...

"shmoke"

Face behind the mask.... who are you? You said..."shmoke"...only three people use that word...the man who first used it... the friend i am afraid to call a friend because i hurt her...and me... WHO are you?
please. YES to shmoke. just put down your initials...i will know.

face behind the mask said...

Nope mate, you don't know me from adam & me not worth knowing either, & i have no such ideas of turning a virtual friendship into a real one. If by destiny we meet.... inshallah, god is great !!

The other day i was sitting in a blueline, going for my class, when a guy (u know the types who hang around dargahs, with the green skull cap), came & sat next to me & starting fixing his shmoke, so i got some from him, its been a couple of years off it for me, then when i came back to my den,feeling low as usual i was reading you & fixing mine,& was surprised to see you also a bit down; so it just came out, wanna share one etc, etc.

bye, take care.

& said...

long time no hear. still blocking me on myspace. that's your thing, who cares, I don't

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S_0n5BlpD0&eurl=http://www.feministing.com

watch this. you'll love it

Anonymous said...

Hey Jhoomur my office (wipro) has blocked this blog again :( because it apparently belongs to the category "Sex" :( :(