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March 19, 2007

Countdown to Breakdown... Eve*?

Life loves me, for I see no other reason why she should find so much time to devote to fucking my happiness. Does it happen to any of you that the moment you have a lump some of money -- to be devoted elsewhere -- something happens that will force you to put that money fucking elsewhere. Each time, EACH TIME, I have a little more than basic bare enough in my bank, I start feeling jittery. I KNOW that something's coming... This time around, the dough was for the laptop...which now perhaps wont happen for a VERY long time. Less blogging! :( My landlord asked me to either let my dog go or vacate the place. So I have been looking around for the last three days and there’s nothing that I like and the places are so bad that Golu Dog and me are contemplating either selling off everything and living out of cheap hotels, or suicide.

Life loves me and life is also a jealous lover. Each time I get fond of something or fall in love with it, Life snatches it back. Yup, the more I love it, the more drastic the snatching. And it’s FREAKING me out. I love my dog, please, please, please Life… do not take Golu. I need little Golu, he is my life, my child, my baby… And the landlady says, “Why do you need a dog? It’s a liability for you!” How do I explain that he senses my moods, when he forces me to hug him, pet him and play with him; it’s as much for his benefit as it’s for mine. How do I explain that Golu Dog LOVES me… even when my eyes are swollen because I have been crying like a whatever-cries-a-lot. He doesn’t give “you should be strong”, he just sits and watches, trying to paw my face or at times just looking with a comical what-the-fuck’s-wrong-with-you-now version of the Puppy Look. No matter how much men try that look, they can never beat a pup at it.

If I don’t find a flat or a neighbourhood that allows a dog; I don’t know what I will do. However, I KNOW I cannot; just cannot give up my dog. I can’t. Not again. Not something else I love. I loved my cats – Felia and Hash – and had to give them away due to the marriage. Tried keeping Simba the Black, but he died in a week. Wanderlust (another kitty, Lusty) for short, again had to be given away to a friend. Then Shmokie… who was my soul cat, but never my cat because he belonged to someone else. Then the Rottweiler had to go as well. Then I lost my baby… and I got Golu Dog. He has been with me for 4 months now and I have never been happier coming back home, because he is so happy to see me that it makes everything worth it. When I lived with my parents, I had 14 dogs at one point of time. But in the real sense of the word, Golu Dog is my FIRST dog. And now Life seems to be plotting again. Or loving me! My back has been acting up, there’s a constant discomfort lately, not to mention the strange numbness in the left upper arm region. And the back was really fucked last night. Now house hunting again. I can feel my bones creak, or maybe it’s my spirit. Financially, moving house and solo would FUCK me. But there’s no other way. No godfather, maybe an angel somewhere? Perhaps, or perhaps not? I am so tired at times. I don’t know if I am going to be able to carry it through this time.
I so want to come home; there is no home.

Post Scrap: The Princess sat with her fingers entwined, tears flowing down her face, moistening her cleavage as two streams merged under her plunging neckline. Her eyes closed, she prayed, “Don’t let my will break, anything but my will…” and as an after thought the Princess added, “Love me, love my dog.”
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On a different note: Two is company, three is a couple?!

Feedback from http://www.myspace.com/mollymozart:
''Multiple soulmates is another possibility; no one is capable of satisfying every need : be it spiritual mental or sexual, writes not british adam phillips : two is comapny three is a couple in his thought provoking book monogamy."
monogamy fidelity cheating love lust respect space: what's happening!!!

2 comments:

InExile said...

geta fucking house ... how tuff is it to find a house in delhi ??

clit.chatting said...

@ InExile
first you say write a poem, then you scream at me!! (pouts)

Am getting a fuckin house...whaddyathink?! Am i not allowed to fuckin rant even?! I am supposedly supposed to like ranting!