I am Bhangra Chick, thinking USA will change my luck

The typos in this post are intentional: they are keeping the phonetic sensibilities of the speaker in mind.

Do you believe in a Batter (better) Future? I do and that is why I absolutely believe that like the rest of my family -- bhaiyya, bhabhi, uncle, aunty, Tinnu, Pappi and Rummy -- I will also have a Batter Future in the UAss.

What??? There are many girls who go looking for a Better Future? Many people think that. The chances of my success are absolutely brilliant. I have just cleared my GRE and though I didn't score well, my parents have enough money and every intention (I was a good studant in school mind you) of sending me to the UAss. My aunts -- my father's sisters, all five of them -- are pretty excited. They think I should not bother about the GRE too much, take admission in whatever college, just get to the UAss, find a de-sent guy and sattle down. Life to sat ho jayegi. That's what people say. If you're an average girl, you are valued by the Indians in UAssA -- they are so bored of all the Western girls trying to be Indian and the Indian girls trying to be everyone else. And anyways, the Indian men here don't understand me.

What??? I should lose weight and tone up? No ways! I am halthy with natural big boobs -- I know how to get cleavage with those push-up bras too, like Mallika Sherawat. I also liked the black-shorts type underweer that I saw the other day. Think I'll buy a pair. Black makes you look slimmer, no? SO, I am 'sat' for life once I reach there. The other day when I gave a dance performance on stage, my aunts -- my father's sisters, all five of them -- said I could beat Aishwarya Rai. I danced on Kajra re you see.. a full performance, mind you. They made my blush so much. See, I don't understand all these English songs, especially the kind played at the Usual Watering Hole* (*its rock 'n' roll).

What??? I should learn to understand English songs to fit into the culture there? Don't be silly, everyone there is crazy about Bhangra and I am Bhangra Chick...with my Batter Future dreams.
I told this to Eve* too...put on some weight Eve*, get to the UAss or Yourope or wherever she fancies. I keep talling her, Eve*, you are modern, find some man or something to like in a man and sattle down. What is all this shag-wag? Are you a dog or what?

(as told to Eve*)