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March 27, 2009

Doctor Who?

The closer I get to 30, the more dire are the diagnosis from Google.

At 25, the warnings were about laugh lines and crows feet. Now every bloody website is warning that all my hormones will start disco dancing with disastrous results.

Poor Partner. While he has been seriously considering buying this new device that will help him track my PMS dates -- he has new-found appreciation for 'mood swings' -- he is close to losing all hope. It's funny how "getting hormonal" means totally different things as you age.

Two years back, in my angsty-aunty avatar, had written how much I hate reading medical websites. I still hate them and I still read them. Since I have been gaining weight, losing hair and have a constant neck-shoulder-wrist pain; I have been trawling some more med websites. According to the symptoms listed -- and observed in self -- my thyroid is acting up (or down), my Vitamin E intake is dismal and I might be developing carpal tunnel syndrome.

After much moaning at home, Partner insisted -- it was a threat -- that I visit a doctor. It's been an hour since I've come back and other than giving 35 ml of my blood in three separate test tubes, I am very disappointed.

"Your name is Bose? I've never heard it before" says little Japanese doctor, Dr Low.
"Er, yes. Bose, like the speakers..."
"But you are not a speaker," he responds along with a, ha-ha.
I smile. The speaker-association usually works with people who cannot pronounce a simple four-letter word. The other do-you-understand-ny-name trick being, 'JB, like JB-Hi-Fi'. I don't know why, but every single Australian has laughed really loudly at that. The joke's on them.

The doctor though, is a different (nut) case.
"You are not German either," he continues his observation.
"Correct, I am Indian."
"You are very far from home no?" he says and I bite my tongue not to point out that so is he. And in enemy nation, going by the Aussie-Japanese history.
"So Indian girl with funny name, what is wrong with you?" he asks, looking at me as if I am a newly discovered species or something. I am glad for the change of topic since I've paid him $ 45 consultation fees and not to discuss how 'funny' my name is. As I've written earlier; I've got that my entire f*****g life.

So I tell him I suffered from hyperthyroidism a year and a half back.
"Oh you did? You look nice and fatty now?" he asks/says, grinning.
I ignore the grin (and the 'fatty') and enumerate how I suspect thyroid mischief because I am losing hair. He gets up and starts poking the top of my head, fiddling with my hair. I wait for a diagnosis.
"You have a lot of hair," he announces, still fiddling.
"I would like to keep it doctor..."
"It's nice soft hair too. Strawberry shampoo?" he asks. I am baffled.
"Is the strawberry shampoo causing hair loss doctor?" It better not, bloody expensive shampoo.
"Naw, my wife will like my hair to smell of strawberry I am thinking," he responds.

I quickly enumerate my other problems -- wrist-shoulder-neck pain -- and he quickly starts poking my shoulder and neck, but refuses to touch my wrist.
"Very skinny shoulders for nice, fatty Indian girl," he says, "Any repeat activity you do with hands?" Many in fact, however I choose the most innocuous...
"I am a writer, use the computer a lot."
"Ah the Internet gives me many patients," he announces gleefully.
"Do you think I might have carpal tunnel syndrome?"
"Hrmph. The Internet also makes my patient think they are doctors. Google is evil," he frowns now. I am pleased, enough of 'fatty' and 'ha ha' from him.

"Any family history of diseases?"
I list several life threatening ones -- all true -- and he looks very amused.
"Then you need blood test; for diabetes, cholesterol and thyroid," looking even more pleased now. He approaches with a syringe and three test tubes, plunges the syringe into my right forearm and says, "Red, red blood, let's see how fatty your blood is."

The 'fatty' is really getting to me now. The test tubes filled, he tells me that there is nothing that he can see wrong with me.
"Oh. Are you sure the hair loss is not serious?"
"I don't know," he says and looks at me blankly. It worries me. Since he is not saying anything else and is now simply smiling, I get up, thank him and start walking towards the door. When I am almost out of the door he calls out,
"Little Bose..." I turn around, door open, one foot out.
"You have big, fatty breasts. Check them regularly. Good for breast cancer." I leave.
And I thought medical websites were bad?! WTF.

21 comments:

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Gaaah! At this rate, I think I should start brainwashing one of my boys right now to become a doctor! Plant the desire early on so hat they think it was their idea all along!

I hate doctor visits too! They give me an impending sense of doom!

Silvara said...

hahahhaa....ohhh what a funny funny story :D

I bet he would like to check out your fatty, fatty breasts :P

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Silvara: (shudders) thank god i had the sense not to mention wanting a mammography. Am sure he would have gladly obliged. :D

@ Mamma Mia: you should. no matter what the global economic situation; doctors will always have a job. get the other to become a shrink. you'd be rolling in money... :)

Abhiroop Banerjee said...

Yikes

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Abhiroop: good start on Benistan; the games brought back some good memories..hope you continue. Also, thanks for dropping by.

Dee said...

Did he really say fatty fatty breasts?

Hit that twit on his non-strawberry smelling head!! Jerk..

Sree said...

I doon lickee uur dokter. an i cn unly right likey a 4th grader nowadays. :(
chnge ya dookter.
I have a funny story where the doc asked me to strip for the complete check up.Usually they will have a gown to wear.Here i found none.When asked a medium size towel was provided and i walked out of the doc.He stopped me and showd his certificate on the wall and said, look at that i'm one of the 10 best docs in the world.haha.i walked out anyway.That was in canada.
You take care.Do oil massage n all to keep the hair.

Anwin said...

Hi Jhoomur, was wondering if you are aware of the Delhi NCR IndiBlogger Meet 2009 scheduled for the 4th of April. Would be great if you can make it and blog about the event too.

Please send in your ideas for the agenda in the comments section.

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Cheers,
Anwin
IndiBlogger.in

go-phish said...

This is Such a 'WTF' moment.

Why? Why would he talk like that?????

TW said...

LOL.. sorry I know it wasnt't fun at all but in hindsight very funny! :D

btw falling hair.. ya i have the same prob.. very very annoying..esp since i don't have lots to start with! but it can be dry skin or side effect of Pills..

TW
http://thoughtwrought.blogspot.com

Espèra said...

Wow.

So, er, what does getting hormonal mean at the other stages in life?

Asha said...

Long time reader, first time commenter.

This happened to me 6 months ago and I, too suspected my thyroid was acting up.
It turned out to be my pills - I had changed my contraception to the new fangled, low dose and 6 months thingies. My hair fell like I had chemo. Just FYI. It is not something one associates with hair loss but it is surprisingly common side effect of the new generation of birth control pills.

Asha said...

Long time reader, first time commenter.

This happened to me 6 months ago and I, too suspected my thyroid was acting up.
It turned out to be my pills - I had changed my contraception to the new fangled, low dose and 6 months thingies. My hair fell like I had chemo. Just FYI. It is not something one associates with hair loss but it is surprisingly common side effect of the new generation of birth control pills.

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Dee: He did; though only with one fatty. When you said 'twit' for some reason i started thinking twitter. Gah, too many applications and different vocab to go with each...

@ Sree: yes, there seem to be an abundance of funny doctor stories. A whole bunch of Partner's friends are doctors; and after getting up to no good with them, it worries me...

@ Anwin: Cheers for the shout out mate; not in Delhi though.

@ Go-Phish: Shrug. Search me. Either he was a creep or he thought he was being funny.

@ ThoughtWrought: hello. you dont really have to leave your blog name... you're already on the blogroll list. Nah, am anti-pills -- as in medication -- unless absolutely dire. It could, however, be not enough water. Perhaps I have to strictly drink more water... Did you see a doctor?

@ Asha: Hello First Timer! Had I known that falling hair would get you to comment, would have written a line on it everyday. :) Nah, not pills..as i said above, lack of water or age-related hormonal changes. Perhaps body says its time for 'other' changes.

TW said...

sorry.. default signature shamelessly advertising myself :D.. have deliberately removed it on this comment.. :)

Ya.. saw lots..sometimes I have just a hint of dandruff and they pounce on it and others shrug after finding out am on the pill!.. one prescribed Minoxicil solution, which in the US, i found to be Men's Rogaine :OO.. it din't help btw..

i finally realised I have to live with it and I shed more with winter (never understood that!), more stress and less water..

So ya.. water is a good idea!

TW

Eve* aka JB said...

@ TW: Nah, don't be sorry about linking; there's purpose behind blogging after all. Reading each other is a good way of 'community building. As for winter; it's usually drier than summer and the skin and scalp suffer. My hair gets drier in winter too. I resolutely refuse -- maybe scared -- chemical treatments for hair. Had tried homeopathy once, but guess cigarettes and natural remedies dont go together. Warm olive oil massage -- at least once a week -- really works for me. Currently, had gone two months without tel and my hair were complaining. So right now am looking like a champu with copious olive oil in my hair. :) Suggest you give yourself a scalp rub as well...

TW said...

hmm.. warm oil is the grandmother's successful treatment.. just been lazy to do it.. perhaps will incentivize husband to do it for me! haha! rest of Sunday's plans done!

Espèra said...

You pointedly forgot to reply to my comment. I just know it!
*throws tantrum*

Abhiroop Banerjee said...

@Jhoomur
Thank you so much for the encouragement :)
I've been reading your blog for a long time, right from the Mishraji posts. Just never had anything sensible to add. Still don't, but whatever :D

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Espera: (pulls her cheeks) No silly, didn't ignore, made a mishtake! Am human, i insist. As for getting hormonal...at 16 it means good things and worried parents and at 30 it means bad things and hair loss. :)

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