*NEW* Recent blog entries

January 29, 2010

Paranoia

I didn't know her in college. But I saw a picture where she had the kind of waist-line I could kill for. And had I known her then, perhaps would have hated her for it.

I got to know her -- not really -- through her blog. Even went to her house for dinner once with Partner. And I remember her Brat. He had that smile that makes you want to smile. No matter how pissed off you are.

Sometimes her posts piss me off. I will not go into reasons now. Sometimes they echo what I think. Sometimes they make me wonder about the starkness with which she writes.

I don't think she is perfect, but if there's someone flawed doing a damn good job of things -- fumbling, learning, screaming, loving -- perhaps it's her. Especially since we are the same age and she has two children.

My biggest problem as a blogger is that I am not reciprocal. In other words I really don't keep up with reading others. I do it sporadically. Read 20 blogs in one day and then not do it for months.

I loved this post. Not because of the happy ending but because it scared me to bits.

I am nearly 15 weeks pregnant. I was smoking till the day before I discovered I was pregnant. Smoking meant 20 cigarettes. I had drags the other day (judge me at your own peril, absolutely not up for moral declarations of any f*cking sort).

And I get scared. Will my placenta tear off? What if I have a spontaneous abortion before 20 weeks? What if the baby is still born? What if it has webbed hands and feet? What if he has ADD? Or is hyper-active?

Most of my doubts are related to smoking. I research everyday, incessantly on the effects of smoking on unborn babies. And everyday I find something new. What if, what if, what if... What is most scary is that every bloody research is inconclusive.

And then her this post. What if everything is right and then something goes wrong with my child? Four years, 10 years later...? HOW will I cope? What will I do? And most selfishly of all... will it be my fault? Will I be blamed?

"... it takes more than half a teaspoon of sperm to make a father." --- The Mad Momma

18 comments:

Perakath said...

Have you considered that electric cigarette thing?

I've heard about alcohol, but didn't know smoking was particularly bad for babies. What about all the kids born to people who lived when smoking was a perfectly acceptable habit? I'm sure a lot of them turned out okay. So need to paranoi.

MRC said...

JB

I think the only moral judgements and opinions that matter are one's own. Conventional wisdom and the internet says, smoking is not good for a pregnant woman and her baby.

I've seen my dad battle with smoking and finally win after many of failed attempts. My husband takes care to smoke away from non smokers, and is struggling to quit ,so I have some idea about how difficult this particular addiction is.

My suggestion(take it or leave it)- keep fighting the battle because the stakes are very high.

幸田來蔚 said...

宇宙萬物中,沒有比人的存在更值得驚訝的!是怎樣的緣份讓我能在分享你的心情~~ ....................................................

Sree said...

I think the smokes smokers puff goes straight up to their head and stays there and they take it out one by one when they have nothing to worry about.grr. Anyway...all the what ifs u fear can and i personally know some to which it has happened too,all non smokers.A friend whos baby passed away after a week and she saw his face just once in the hospital.Her emails always screamed severe depression.A year later she had another baby and both seems happy.Another friend whos 3 and half yr old still cannot say a sentence well.Her school has recommended for a test.She was a colic baby and the parents were still on their honeymoon when she was conceived.They were not ready and then the constant crying of the baby got her into depression and medication.The child now gets whtever she wants for she knows the parents like her to give them some peace.And she refuse to talk too even if sometimes(i feel) she knows what to say.They are trying to help her and i see the pain everytime i talk to the mother.

We must get out of our guilt,what ever it is.I take mine to counseling just to make sure she is okay for what i'm now putting her through.I go for parental counseling myself,just that extra help to find the right words.And it is hard.Her counselor always tells me she is a bit sad about the current change but overall she is a very happy child and you are doing a good job.And everyday i find ways to keep that going, the happy phase, for i know it takes only a moment to change anything.

It not about cigerrates. Its about the uncertain life,especially when you become a mother.Start finding ways not to get back to smoking.I have an addiction too.I have started my fight by making sure i go to the gym every day or do some stretching the days i dont and its going well so far.You cant talk to your kid about eating healthy without some demo.
Its not about the cigerrates,okay.Mind it.(Rajnikant style)

June said...

Hey, I make my way to your blog after few weeks and theres news!
Congratulations!

Eve* aka JB said...

The chinese script means:
"n the universe, there is no more worthy of human existence than the surprise! What is the fate so that I can share your feelings"

And thankyou for that...

@ Sree: i love you. BEEEg hug.

@ Perakath: :)
@MRC: Yes madame!

Ate three hash browns and hot pancakes yesterday, feeling super. :)

MLC said...

congrats on the pregnancy! fr some strange rsn, i always thot if u became a mom, u wud b something like MM! can't pin point stff but ther's some connection! so .. my prediction? u wl do jst fine.. like her! :-))

MRC said...

:D um...I dont know why ,but the husband refers to me as "Evil Teacher Lady" sometimes....

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm an avid reader of your blog, and Congratulations! Children will always blame their parents, much like we blame our own. Mostly in gentle humour knowing that they did the best they could.

I guess (guess because I don't have any children of my own) that the only balm to a mother's guilt is knowing that she did the best she could.

So... maybe avoid smoking, but don't worry about getting things wrong. Everybody does, and all of us have survived.

SC

Eveline said...

No one can say anything. It's not their place. It's your choice. My friend smoked during her pregnancy and although her baby was born weighing less, the little one is now incredibly healthy. My friend knew the consequences and she did cut back considerably, but no one could have convinced her to quit.
I don't know what makes some people more able to control addiction than others. It's hard though but in the end i guess it's up to you. Good luck!

Eve* aka JB said...

@Eveline: Nah not smoking. Just want the freedom to not be judged for anything, regardless of smoking or not.

the mad momma said...

wow! I come here for my daily read and I see its about me!!

babe, smoking is bad for your health and for your baby's. period. but so is going out in Delhi peak hour traffic. You have to pick and choose and decide what you can give up and what you can't. And whether it seems worth it. Nobody else matters, as my next post said.

On another note.. its so freaky to have you blog about babies. It just is :) and I cant stop smiling.

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Momma: Nah, not smoking. And understand it's bad for the bub and me. I really liked that post of yours. And you're talkin freaky...guess how freaked out I am!!!

Eve* aka JB said...

Can't decide if i am freakin' happy or a happy freak. (And I already know what the trolls are going to say)

Anonymous said...

Hey Jhoomur! visited ure blog precisely after 4 months n dats exactly wat my daughters age is now! CONGRATULATIONS to both of u,its awesome news! :)
On another note, tho I never smoked, I was always disillusioned about my alcoholic sprees n trust me as a gonna be mother its never easy to let go off bad thots that begin with, what if- but don worry, alls gonna be well,just enjoy the pregnancy

Anonymous said...

Hey Jhoomur! visited ure blog precisely after 4 months n dats exactly wat my daughters age is now! CONGRATULATIONS to both of u,its awesome news! :)
On another note, tho I never smoked, I was always disillusioned about my alcoholic sprees n trust me as a gonna be mother its never easy to let go off bad thots that begin with, what if- but don worry, alls gonna be well,just enjoy the pregnancy

Ria said...

in case u wre wondering..dat last comment ws mine..wonder y it says anonymous!

Gyanban said...

It's ok and perhaps good to be paranoid if this is your first child.! It works wonders.