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January 28, 2010

It's not me, it's the baby

IF I see one more Bollywood movie with divinely pregnant women practicing lullabies the moment their bloody ovum is fertilised...
Or any more filmi sequences where hero-heroine burst into "the moon of our eye and the apple of your womb" type romantic number when they discover they/she are/is pregnant.
Or any references to how life is going to change (completely, drastically, horrendously) because tum maa banne waali ho*. (All Hindi translations given at the end of this post, and if some are missing, I can't be f*cked.)
I swear I WILL kill.

I mean yes, it's great that I am preggers. Yes, it was quite shocking to discover something barely 6 cms long kicking around that energetically INSIDE me. And once I got over the first shock, it was quite... shocking, again, but this time more like, ''It is alive AND kicking.'' (Also finally understood the meaning of that phrase, thank-you very much) Then only to be scared persistently, horrendously for the next four weeks wondering, ''Is it still kicking?'' "Oh shit I was lying on my tummy...is it squished?'' ''If I sneeze or cough or laugh too hard...does it get dizzy?'' ''If I get horny, does it know?!" (Freaked me out completely that one)

What I am trying to say is that I am feeling... That yes I am willing to do all that's necessary....or simply that I know I am having a baby. Yes thank-you I am excited. But no thank-you I cannot pretend that everything is peaches and apples and other rosy things. I cannot be all angelic.
I am having a bloody nicotine withdrawal all right?! And my boobs feel like, like extra appendages from Total Recall that have a mind of their own. They certainly have a centre of gravity of their own given the directions they go off to when I lie down. (Like how would you feel if you had to tuck your boob from UNDER your arm pit and...nevermind.)

And my back hurts. And people tell me it's only the beginning. Ooh, ha, ha, very funny. And there are these twingy feelings at the side of my, well, uterus. (How many times have you spoken about your uterus in a normal conversation eh?) Though from where the uterus originally was now it has apparently risen. And I thought it was just man-balls (as against woman-balls?!) that did the rising-descending thing. And the time I told Partner, "I think I am hurting because my uterus is rising," he stopped, mid-step, one foot in the air, almost jerk-braked and whilst staring somewhere in the region of my belly said horrified, "What?! Like rising right now?"

I know gazillions of women have done it before me -- infact our friend group has a new mom and two others who'd be popping out their bubs before me -- and have all gone bravely etc, etc. But if I am a bit chicken, can I please not be laughed at? Can I please get some bloody sympathy?

And not have anyone (like Partner, though I know he is trying to be understanding etc) patting me on the arm and saying, "Ah, you'll be fine." Really and he's scared of tweezers.

And someone wished me a baby with a big head. :( Like severe constipation, multiplied by 20 times and the wrong orifice. I am petrified.
(*Translation: You are going to be a mother, usually said with nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
PS: Despite one father and one mother possibly reading this blog, I shall blog about Things That Piss Me Off About Being Pregnant, all filed under the category: "up the duff". For what that means and the origin of the phrase, go here.
Pic courtesy: Steve Harpster of Studio Harpster


unpredictable said...

Congratulations :) And yes its pretty scary to have someone inside you (for 9 months i mean) so you are entitled to feeling shit scared. I'm sure it happens to MOST women, but they aren't the ones talking about their experiences coz, well, it's not what we're conditioned to hearing.

Good luck :)

Passionate Goof said...

I think its quite normal to be scared/horrified or simply anxious through pregnancy, and you have a million reasons for being that way. But just think about the fact, that women have been having babies since the start of the human race, so its a tried and tested system at work here. Nature has created us to be able to go through with this. I used to wait for my next ultrasound from the moment I had one, always wondering if the baby is doing fine in the intermediate month. Don't you worry, its all going just fine. When you finally have your baby in your arms, all of this will seem redundant, trust me!

PS - About life changing forever, its very true, the worst thing being, you can never be a baby again, yourself. And that really is tough!

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Unpredictable : I think women dont talk about it because if they did, other women wouldn't do it.

@ Goofy: Er... Hmm.. I understand (or think I do) what you are trying to say... but...

@ Anyone and everyone: SEE what I mean... "once you hold your baby"...arre, what if I dont?!!

Passionate Goof said...

Why would you not? Its simple scientific logic, your pain and stuff, your internal organs are getting stretched, pushed around and all else, there will be some amount of pain right? But nothing that you can't bear, that is why women have stronger hearts than men, because we CAN take that pain. Should we be afraid of the pain? Any normal human would, all I am saying is the results are worth it, not like falling down getting hurt, breaking your bones and bearing the pain. This one has something to offer!!!

And if the experiences of pain were to stop women, I don't think there would be anyone with a even a second biological child, forget about third, fourth or more around.

Eve* aka JB said...

@Goofy: Sorry but I absolutely refuse the logic that I SHOULD be able to bear it... And I wrote a whole lot more but then realised it is a second post! :) but thanks for the confidenc you are showing in me that I dont have. Yet.

Passionate Goof said...

Jhoomur, every new experience in your life will show you something new about yourself, and I am sure you already know that. And motherhood will let you completely re-discover yourself, that is what i have seen happen with most women. I was the strongest of persons till I had a baby.

As for physical pain, you are fortunately in a day and age AND PLACE, where all kinds of pain control methods are available, so I don't think it should worry you too much. You have a baby growing inside of you, of course your body will change and modify itself according to that, and its just a normal process. As long as the baby is doing fine, you be happy. Women have much tougher pregnancies than what you are going through trust me. I had a 9 month complete bed rest thing!

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Goofy: Please don't get all patronising with me. That's another thing I cant bear to stand about Other Mothers.
It's also quite presumptuous to think that motherhood would mean re-discovery for everyone.
Or that it would mean the same thing to every woman.
I do know about the pain killers love; but i AM trying to understand WHY I am willingly --or already have -- walked towards this. WHAT is the urge? It's a rhetorical question, you don't have to get into Darwin's theory for me.
It's all good about self-discovery...but many women -- including me -- have had many things that have lead to many self-discoveries, babies not withstanding.
I am ALSO sure many women even AFTER babies continue on self-discovery that has nothing to do with having a baby.
Also, I AM aware that other women suffer much more. I also know there are people poorer than me in the same way people are much richer than me.
And, there is nothing wrong with having a laugh or a sarcastic look at my pregnancy.
I refuse to say it is the greatest thing that has happened to me. Will I change my tune once the baby comes? Perhaps. Let' see.

Passionate Goof said...

I was not trying to get patronising with you at all. Apologies if it came across that way. All I was doing was trying to explain it the way I see it, having been there, done that kinds. I completely agree that everyone's experience is absolutely and completely different. And about the discovering oneself, as I said, it happens with every new experience. Once again, I shared my point of view, it maybe right/wrong/unsuitable.....

About having a funny/sarcastic/joyous/unhappy.... look at a pregnancy, its definitely completely the parents' prerogative. I just thought you were scared and in pain, and wanted to share my perspective. I think I got your wrong.... All the best with your pregnancy.

PS - Once again I don't patronise... ANYONE!

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Goofy: Ore baba... WE, i.e., you and me are having a conversation. I agree it's a disagreeing with each other conversation. You made your point, I made my counter-point etc. I called you patronising, you said you aren't, I shall apologise. Sorry. Don't run away and don't go hide. I LOVE having a conversation where two people can actually debate their points of view. Pheere esho!!!

Sree said...

Dont bear. Blog everyday. Cry.. Will comment.The baby must be saying, this woman i chose to be in is so negative dude.Hey, imagine this...a land so beautiful with trees growing cigars and lighters.But you cannot take any, know why? You are PREGNANT.TAN TANAA TANA TANA.get a massage for the back pain,okay.ice pack for the head.and well...soon a sneeze will give a stomach stretch.go for walks.keep active.

MRC said...

awwwww you poor leetle thing with the leetler thing inside yoo.

THERE sympathy given. Now Im going to rub my hands together, cackle gleefully and tell you

"Ab tum ma ban ney waali ho"

So your back will ache,boobs will be all over the place,stretchmarks will appear(dont fight em,just use moisturiser so that you dont scratch them too much),you'll feel mad,horny,puky,great etc etc.
As your pregnancy progresses , you will have MANY moments when you'll truly understand what a particular cliche REALLY means.And once the baby is out,and you've* clean up the messy smelly stuff without even thinking about it,or when the little monkey's hurting you while feeding , THEN you'll kick yourself for finally agreeing with any one who ever told you "Ma holey bujhbi".

AND yes you're right ,women don't talk (much) about the physical discomforts of pregnancy or the getting the baby out part,so that other women will want to have babies. Countless women have been there ,done that, you will too, in your own way.

PS: It doesnt know(and never will) when you're horny ,your partner should.
PPS: * Once while cleaning up poop, the hubby remarked that he would have puked had it been any other kid, but because it's his baby, it's just like cleaning up some yellow curd.

This comment is turning out to be a mini post, so I think I'll go and post it on minisblog, what say?

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Sree: It better not call me negative etc, if it's my baby it shall call me analytical. ;) And your bloody tana-tan. F*cking nasty I tell you (grin). Haan trying to bribe Partner to give back massage and sayin stuff like "I am the mother of your child." So far hasn't worked. ;)

@ MRC: My mom has given me th Maa-hole line in three different languages. All bravado aside..what I am really nervous about... what if, what if like so many women out there who DON'T care for their babies..what if I never understand? That. Naa bujhle?

Eve* aka JB said...

And some one tell Goofy I am sorry..she's upset with me. :(

Sree said...

Goofy,Jb says sorry. Go give a hug and a back massage :D

Passionate Goof said...

JB, Sree - Not upset... God! I just did not want to upset the pregnant lady! Back rub, I can give, but i would not know how to do it for a pregnant woman.... :(

I understand your fears JB, they are very real, we all have those worries, but again, if you can believe me, there are things that are instinctive to a mother, nature's gift or whatever you call it, and that will guide you. The women who don't care about their babies, who take efforts not to, from what I know of you so far, you don't come across as someone like that. But time will tell I guess.

MRC - Completely agree with you about, all cliches making sense post motherhood. I am actually laughing on that one!

Passionate Goof said...

I am hogging too much of your comment space I think!

MRC said...


Shall I go into my new mom-been there done that mode and tell you

Bujhbe, nijer moner moton.

Or shall I remind you that a few months back when you were agonising about not being able to give up the ciggies to have a kid, I had told you something on the lines of
"you will ,when you're ready"

Jhoomur, it's absolutely fine to think the way that you are. Trust me , I've done it too. You'll find that you'll deal with it one small step at a time, and then look back and wonder at yourself for worrying so much.Hindsight IS 20/20

That "ma holey bujhbe" line by the way, is not solely meant to convey the love you'll feel for your child, but also all that you will overcome to have and raise that baby.
(If you ever meet my mom, dont tell her I said so)
I remember ,just after Artim was born,I felt totally disoriented, unable to accept that I was a mother, because even if I was feeding the baby, someone else was doing the rest.I was too busy dealing with sleeplessness(and other discomfort), and people would say,the first six weeks will pass and you'll get some sleep and forget how hard it is now.
Guess what, I still dont get much sleep, but I cant bear the thought of not having him next to me. And I get cranky and mad at him too,but all he has to do is smile,and Im putty even at 3 am in the morning.

Have faith in yourself,motherhood will creep up on you.

MRC said...


Hogging right along with you! :D

Sree said...

I got it,i got it!Its all cuz of your other self discoveries.kyu kiya woh sab.

Perakath said...

But at least you (or at least Partner) get the inestimable pleasure of pregnant sex, right?

It's been a pet fantasy of mine forever!

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Perakath: Dear boy, please note the "IF" in the "if I get horny". I don't know about other formerly/currently preggers ladies/couples, but so far I find that particular aspect a myth. :/

Deepti said...

Awww.. buddy .. scares me too ... hugzzzzz and take care :)

Mridu Khullar said...

Like you, I don't understand the whole "Once the baby comes... " deal, because hey, have people not heard of postpartum depression?

Glad you're telling it like it is. You don't fit any of the other stereotypes, so I don't see why you'd fit this one.

soin said...

now i wonder who started the virgin mary joke..and i saw my sis get a bit paranoid when she was pregnant.calling me up before my exam and saying take care of baby if something goes wrong.i took it for granted she was drunk.and i read in another blog that another lady had done the same thing.let me not try to fathom..free

Passionate Goof said...

I agree with what Mridu says about you.
Oh! And yes Post partum depression does strike, tons of us infact.... but I felt the post was about the physical pains that you are incurring. Life post baby changes drastically yes, but then again not for everyone, there are people who can't live without their baby for a minute, and those who leave new borns with nannies to go on with the life. How will motherhood be to you emotionally, as I said before, only time can tell that, no one can predict that.

Meg said...

MUHAHAHA! babies can be a pain in the ass (is what i feel). My fear has always been the what if. What if it's born totally stupid. What if it has all the annoying problems both me and the father... bladness... big ears... insane number of things it's allergic to... ooooh the thought of it only terrifies me! You'll just have to deal with it! MUWAH! :)

Shady said...

Can't help but laugh , hmmm ok still no sympathy only more laughter