The tequila tramp

There are some things in life that can completely devastate a human being, bring her down to the knees (usually looking into the watery insides of a shit pot), make her head pound in a manner that suggests the brain wants to leapfrog out of the cranial cavity and make her insides scream for mercy. And no, it is not a case of good, old you-stand-behind-me-bend. We don’t talk about such dirty things anymore.


So Sunday morning I woke up with this out-of-body feeling. A feeling that suggested something had happened the previous night and I was not quite sure what. The evidence was worrying: There was a huge cigarette burn on my left middle finger, the base of my neck felt as if someone had been hammering it all night, my tongue felt as if I had tried to put it in places it shouldn’t have been and my mouth smelt like the room Golu Dawg magnanimously poos in when he has not been taken out for a walk… One look at Partner confirmed something was amiss: His jaw sported a cigarette burn as well, his elbows were scraped and there were scratch marks on his cheek. WHAT the hell had happened (and the why the hell were HIS elbows scraped?)


We had had a perfectly docile Saturday morning doing homely things like searching for new furniture and eventually turning up at our local watering hole. And that’s when things turned nasty. From the hazy, headachy recollection I had of the previous night the culprit was six shots of tequila. While that still did not explain the mysterious cigarette burns, it made the need for an urgent Drinking Resolution very clear. Here goes.


1. Try and stay as far away as possible from tequila shots or anyone offering them.
2. If someone does offer you tequila shots, shoot them. If you are paying for your own tequila shots, you are an idiot (will always be proven so the next day).

3. If after three shots you feel “nothing is happening,” don’t be a fool. Something will happen and you are most likely not to remember it.
4. If at all you do have more than one shot, quickly get home before whatever-happens-that-you-won’t-remember happens. In all probability, memories of it will be embarrassing.

5. If you have tequila and lots of it, head banging is a very bad idea. No, it’s not a sex position, it means serially banging your head to music that comprises lot of screaming, swearing and jarring guitars. Since your head hangs low while head banging and there’s vigorous shaking, the tequila rushes from your stomach to your head. And stays there. I think.
6. Never go searching for cigarettes when drunk on tequila.

7. In fact, QUIT smoking.
8. Never wear flip-flops on a night you might be near tequila. They can go missing and the next day you might find dirty stains on your legs. In such moments it is perhaps better that you don’t remember much about the previous night.

9. Never go and ask your neighbour for cigarettes after tequilas. The fact that he gave you the whole packet will make you suspicious of HOW you asked him. It’s better to completely forget about it anyway.
10. Never light a cigarette in bed when drunk on tequilas. Something will always burn. If it’s not the sheet, try and find burn marks on your body.

11. Never try and have sex after tequilas. You will only find yourself waking up naked but won't remember anything. (No, that did not happen, but heard it happened to someone on a TV show
12. Never think tequila shots and vodka shots are the same. They are not and mixing the two is illegal. Or should be.

13. Never throw your clothes around when you come back home trashed. Next day you won’t find them. They vanish.
14. If you feel pukey at home, don’t try and stick your finger in your throat to “get the shit out of my system”. The finger can get stuck in your throat and you can’t scream out for help either.

15. Never discuss international politics after a tequila night, when still drunk. You will only end up saying bad things about other countries and realize you are not just drunk, you are a racist.
16. If your parents had called earlier in the evening and you had promised to call back, after tequilas is NOT a good time.

17. If you are a small person, never compete with a bigger person on how much you can drink. Of course you can drink as much, it’s the after that you won’t be able to handle.
18. Never give your credit card for payment when drinking tequilas. You won’t be able to get your signature right.

19. Try and stay as far away as possible from tequila shots or anyone offering them.
20. Never keep a camera around when drunk on tequilas... you will click pictures doing stupid things and think they are cute.
Like trying to make horse faces--->

PS: And then Partner woke up and grunted groggily, “Didjuhimmeonmahead?”