"Have you written anything on women who date arseholes?" asked sexy Sheila* (not her real name, but says if she had a fictional name that's what she'd like to be called). I promptly sent her the link to 'Good girls and jerk-ing off' but was not too sure if that post answered whatever she had in mind. No matter what the reasons for women dating jerks and arseholes -- this blog has given reasons too -- I think it all boils down to one simple word: STUPIDITY.While no woman would date a man if she knew at the onset that she was getting into a messy situation, what I FAIL to understand is WHY women (and men) continue in a relationship even when it becomes very obvious that it's a downhill road for them (a whole lot are already in the ditch and are in denial about it)... Or when it is VERY clear the other is NOT interested.
Some keep waiting for the phone to ring, some wait for hours even when they have been stood up three evenings in a row, some stew visualizing what the other must be doing when s/he is not with them, some will take rejection (no hugs, being pushed away etc) hoping it's a passing phase, some will ignore blatant signs (like lipstick marks or a raunchy email) thinking they're being understanding and are giving 'space' to the other and some will even overlook a sperm-laden condom in the dustbin justifying he must have been masturbating wearing a condom.
'Hurt' cannot be helped when the object of our affections turns down the affection and runs the other way. However, DIGNITY can be maintained if you get the signs and get on with your own life. It IS a cliche but unfortunately it's true: NO one can make us feel like a doormat unless we are lying on the ground and asking to be stepped over. We usually wear a sickening weepy, don't-break-my-heart look too. It looks UGLY.
If he says he will call and does not call back - repeatedly - get out. If he says he is in a meeting and you find out he was watching a movie with someone - get out. If he was supposed to spend time with you and instead runs for an "emergency" humanitarian meeting with the ex - get out. If he would talk about emotional things to the she-colleague/ Ex rather than with you - get out. If he hugs you only when he wants to fuck you and never else - get out. If he constantly compares you to the Ex and says she was better - leave him with the memories and get out. If he shags you ONLY when he is drunk - get out! Seriously, you are anyway being treated badly... How much worse will it be to walk out?
Confessions over Coffee: A Series
Coffee can cure almost anything – hang-overs, bad days at work, period cramps and even helps detox after some indulgent evenings.
As one downed the third cup of much-watered down, machinated Office Coffee – there's coffee and there's Office Coffee – Friend instant messaged and greeted one with a, "YT?", which in Internet chat lingo means 'You there?'
You get the maximum YTs on days you are the busiest and have a glaring Busy icon next to your name. Before one could respond to the abbreviated query, Friend continued, "Tell me if I should dump him: he does not want to commit, still talks to his ex girlfriend and sends me confusing signals." Despite the Busy sign, such peculiar state of affairs and persistent messaging had engaged one's attention. One asked Friend how long she had been dating her current cause for trouble. Apparently, one had asked the wrong question.
"But I am not dating him. We hang out together, sometimes, talk on the phone, sometimes and even chat on the net, sometimes. Actually, it's always me who takes the initiative. So I am thinking if I should give this up... We also have sex, sometimes, usually when he is piss drunk," Friend paused. One instant-responded and pointed out that it was tough 'giving up' something you don't "have". The pointing-out was not appreciated.
"What do you mean don't "have" him? What does it mean if someone hangs out with you, calls you, chats with you too and even has sex?" One suggested meekly that it could mean either that the other enjoys your company, or that you are a good shag or he's too drunk to realise the difference; it usually works that way.
Friend replied, "What nonsense! It means that you Really Like that person, want to be with him/her, talk to them, SMS them, spend money on them... And don't they say men are the most honest when drunk?" One really wanted to point out that it could be real good marketing strategy to promote drinking but looked like one had got it all wrong again.
Friend continued, "But do you think someone could do all that without being emotionally involved?" One was considering writing ALL MEN in 72-point size but was saved the trouble by Friend's self-diagnostic abilities.
"But maybe I am being too hasty on deciding that he's the one for me... After all, he hangs out, calls and chats with other women too. I don't think he sleeps with anyone else because he says he can have sex only when he is drunk; and am usually with him when he is drunk or he comes and picks me up. He also made me meet his parents when we bumped into them at the mall. He also took me along for his office party. He even confesses that he can REALLY talk to me and that I am different from the other girls. You know HOW men are, always hinting at things... But I cannot take the suspense any longer... What do you think, is he using me? Should I dump him?"
Thankfully the Internet connection died at that precise moment. And Erica Jong did say that advice is what we ask for when we know the answer and wish we didn't...
Moral of the story? Coffee can cure anything, it cannot cure stupidity.
PS: Conversation 2-minutes after posting this...
Pirate: But drunk sex is fun...
Me: definitely! :) the guy doesn't remember and the girl thinks it was great because he lasted really long...
(Published, Metro Now, New Delhi, March 13)
Blog for today (and no promise that I'll post one everyday!)--->
"I know cricket is an emotional game and millions cry when Sachin gets out at any point in the match. I also know that people want Mahendra Singh Dhoni to score at least four a ball and that a Pathan ball must both inswing and outswing and hit the middle wicket every time. That a foreign player abusing us is a monkey but our players can refer to be in bed with the other player’s mother and it’s a simple and innocent teri maa ki..."
From KaKiSi's World
9 comments:
The "pS" was hilarious!! And probably true too!
And there is no cure for such stupid women! None at all...
I would like to add to the previous comment by saying that the first time I had sex was the time I was drunk… I would never have been able to cross that bridge.
Im not saying that I have sex only when im drunk now…its jus that when im done with a couple of drinks it just amazing! [both ways].
When people say” We hang out together, sometimes, talk on the phone, sometimes and even chat on the net, sometimes and have sex sometimes too” does not really mean that they are emotionally involved .
There are two ways at looking at this:
1. that neither one of them are not looking at a complete commitment with one another OR
2. They have found themselves stuck in a situation that getting emotionally attached is not an option at all.
I know a lot of women who get into this “no strings attached situation” but trust me …..most of them find themselves getting hurt.
Response to the first half of the blog I would not entirely believe that women are the only ones stupid… I know a lot of men out there who cling on to the misery and the pain they undergo every single day in their relationship. If they do ever get strong and break off all ties, they are then found brooding over what they have lost and what he could have done to save that relationship… I won’t categories this as “STUPIDITY” but just a shear lack of “EMOTIONAL STRENGTH”.
with reference to the first part of the post.. i believe most of us don't no where to draw that line of not taking anymore shit, the guy often interprets it as 'u think a lot' syndrome whereas if the girl starts 'ignoring' this also then what the hell is the point in being in a relationship. But seriously we (girls) need to be upfront and learn to say 'NO' otherwise land up being another doormat..
Hmmm....
I would agree that it is NOT just women who get into the "doormat" situation. In fact the way I've seen it, men seem to get it worse from women. While usually men using women falls in either of the two categories: Uses her for sex or uses her for sex AND money; when women "use" men...it gets really bad. Also given the fact that I strongly believe that men find it far TOUGHER to get out of an emotional rut than women.
However, a question for you guys ---> When is it working at a relationship and giving the other another chance and when is it a question of walking out, how does one know? Hmm?
Raindrop --> Hello...i dont think i've seen you around before...
This giving another chance seldom works you know.Unless he/she truly have realised it was a stupid mistake and not having you in life would be the biggest mistake.hmm.And that usually does not happen in real life.Movies are so fictional.damn.
Even if people tell you what is right or wrong,unless they realise that themselves,they will be in denial.
N, nice blog you have.Read your poems,others yet to.Only Eve know the real me.And that was nice.And no am not on the other blog you mentioned.
Life right now is on the edge.I wanna fall out from the edge forever.When love dies,relation goes upside down and you think of 'using' him/her,its all okay,but never let your emotions die,the will to love again,the strength to live by yourself. damn i dont know what am saying. bye.And this character typing sucks.aeiou?
Ok... have been reading your blogs for quite some time... while you are very pro-women... wot about d guys who maybe really care about sme1 and are in a relationship... women (am sure u wud knw) send out MUCH more confusing signals... a lot of them can be as bad as sex-obsessed men...
agreed u'll add me to d stupid category saying dat if one feels dat way one shud get out! But is it really dat easy... more wen i can find find d right words!
Hello Anonymous --> A request, can you please assume an identity or take up a name instead of being 'anonymous', makes responding and keeping track of who-said-what far easier.
Please understand, the attempt here is NOT to man-bash or be pro-women, definitely NOT pro-ALL women or anti ALL men... we are discussing things and topics as and when either a situation arises...
Am more than happy to write about what women do... Just that I can write only about things I see na? So if you have things or incidents to share, please feel free, will be more than happy to address said issue.
And no, I dont think that the solution to relationship troubles is "getting out". If all of us were constantly getting out at the first signs of trouble, what's the point of ever getting into a relationship? When I say "get out" it's for people stuck in situations where there is OBVIOUSLY no other solution or respite but walking away. When you care for someone -- as a man or woman -- and it's reciprocated and things go awry or trouble arises, we sit down and talk and try and figure ways of salvaging the relationship.
As for writing your thoughts, type out what comes to mind without worrying overtly about right/wrong words...we are here to discuss and hopefully find ways in which all of us can be happier wherever we are...men and women.
rgds
Never had sex when drunk, so can't comment about that :(. And yes, stupidity is gender and age independent.
I'll try to partially answer your question in your comment.
Relationships, at times, appear to me to be like the dollar auction game with Mother Nature as the auctioneer. Over time, both the players have invested much that continuing the investment is "natural" and results in the "irrational escalation of commitment". And quite like the dollar auction game, this "investment into the relationship" does not seem to have an equilibrium. Onlookers are often left wondering why is the relationship going on despite the obvious downhill path.
Given the dollar auction like situation, it is true that, as Maxine points out in her comment, giving another chance seldom works. And the ability to get out of the relationship is better in the early years when not much has been "invested" :).
To answer your question (partially, and assuming the dollar auction game analogy): walking out early is best. And a strange conclusion given this game analogy is that: to defeat the auctioneer (mother Nature who wants us to play the relationships game) is to only put in as much to get the dollar. In other words, relate over short term, get pregnant (propagate the species to satisfy the auctioneer) and separate.
Ironically, the short term approach is more natural given that we humans tend to judge each other much superficially (with reference to the content of the 'Good girls and jerk-ing off' post).
A side comment: "Beauty X brains = constant" seems to be gender independent too :). And both are in the "eyes" of the beholder ;). If you can appreciate my brain, I know that your brain is good too ;) haa haa ...
Was fun to read this one :). Keep writing.
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