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September 13, 2007

No orgasm, no post!

Ah, coming back here on Eve as Eve*, feels strange. Because… It just feels strange. Like this person, who has been writing here for a bit, getting angrier on these pages, is suddenly alien to me. Am I not angry anymore? Hah, of course not. Still angry and the more my eyes open, the angrier it makes me. And I think Eve has been crying for far too long now. Now, she wants to give it back. Hmm…

But somehow, this blog has become the most difficult writing! Why? Because one fine day I woke up and realized that it really does not matter WHO loves you or whether you have someone in your life or not. For one, look around you. What happens to those people who DO have someone in their life? They are looking around for fun. For those who don’t have anyone in their lives, they think finding someone would make things fun. And basically, no matter what end of the spectrum, it’s just running after that fun, pursuit of perverse happiness.

In between, the greatest joke of all was Me being asked to contribute for the Chicken Soup For The Soul series. Dude, those books are so happy and positive, they scare me. Half the time I want to do an investigative report on those stories to find if those are real stories or fiction passed off as real. Why do I find it so tough to believe that there could actually be volumes and volumes of books on Happy Things? SHRUG. Look around you dude! And I don’t mean just me. Given what has happened in my life to an extent and what a whole lot of others go through; I think I have come out of things fairly unscathed. I am standing! I am writing about them… I even manage to laugh about them at times. And I sure as hell am gonna be a pain in the arse for many. Oh yes.

However, Eve* is becoming tough to write because: 1. I cannot write about orgasms anymore. 2. I have not had an orgasm in ages (and am really nervous that now if it were to accidentally happen, I wouldn’t know, or would pass out in fear thinking it’s a new disease I have) 3. I don’t even know if I want to have an orgasm… It would perhaps involve a man or thinking about one; and both things lead to further complications, none of which are remotely close to orgasming. Too much pain for five minutes of pleasure; and people talking about multiple orgasms is like talking about the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

And I think, finally, Life has achieved what she set out to do. I have become completely desensitized. Like, a Third Person observer all the time. There are very, very few people who can now get under my skin. Oh, I rant and rave all the time, but that’s not because someone or something is necessarily getting under my skin; it could be just because I want to. I have mentioned I love attention, no? However, when it comes to remotely romantic situations, I switch off. There are times when I even laugh out loud.

Given that most men today really suck at flirting, laughing out loud often is not a choice. It happens and me being an honest person and all, laughing on their faces comes most naturally to me. It is AMAZING how men think that just because a woman responds to messages or smiles and talks and can perhaps understand humour, she is up for a game or a raunch or they-alone-know-what they have in mind. It’s too much fun… Particularly with men who have perhaps read Eve. There are roughly two types of those-who-read-Eve men that I have met: 1. She writes clit chatting therefore she will give me a blow job. 2. Oh she is hurt and alone and vulnerable, let me chat her up, be kind and THEN see if she gives me a blow job.

Dude, I don’t blow, I bite. Little bitty pieces that then I spit out on the floor. Then I gargle with ice-cold water and spit it on the spot I have bitten off. Trust me, it hurts. A lot. And really, even if I do end up liking you an iota, the last thing on my mind is, “Oooh, what a nice man, why, let me suck him off!” Nope, doesn’t work like that with me. So keep those pants on, ok?

AND, please, please, please. JUST because I am tiny does NOT mean that I want to be hugged. Yes, I DO write about wanting to be hugged. But dude, darling, not from you. Take that arm off, I really like to sit with a straight back. When I want to be hugged by any particular person, I make myself available to that person. Not avoid them on chat, not take calls and generally disappear. If I am doing all that and you feel I am avoiding you, voila! I am avoiding you.

But am not angry, am laughing. It is funny how men will offer to hold your bag, will wonder whether you have eaten, will call, will play with your hair, even scratch out remaining nail polish when they want to shower attention. Ah, Men are quite divine when they want to give you attention. However, it never, ever lasts. The moment you give any man Assurance, it goes. It’s shocking how fast men change and how irrevocably. What is truly amazing, is that a perfectly obnoxious man will STILL do all nice things to/ for other women. Hah, frauds.

So now, I am laughing. The more the men compliment, the more they want to do things, the more time they have for me, the more they want to hug me and hold me, the more I laugh. Because, now that I realize that I really don’t WANT to give my love away; it really does not matter who gets hurt. I am sure it is not going to be me. Yes, if I decide to give you my attention, then am hell bent on ensuring that you don’t get hurt either. But that isn’t happening that easily. It’s too much fun to let boys do the running around, while I put my feet up, lounge around and file my nails. And hurt some. It’s good fun to watch a man squirm, Dear Women.
So for all the girls who have had man-trouble or are still troubled. TRY something. Give him his own medicine. Because bella, if you are already crying because of him, it really does not matter WHAT you do, he will make you cry. So why not give it to him too? Remember, ALL men are boys. They are scared. It is very easy to hurt them. And if your brain does not work, drop an email to me, telling me a bit about your man and the nasty things he says to you. I have met so many beastie boys, that I will tell you EXACTLY how to get back. Trust me. You give me your will, I will show you the way. Ha ha.

But yes, if you have a good man in your life, hold on tight. Don’t smother, hold on. And if your friend tries to hit on him – no matter how loudly she declares she is not and you still feel she is – trip the bitch next time she is walking down the stairs. Or slap the shit out of her. You could also do other things, but I will charge for suggesting those. These are expert tips ladies! Anyway... Gor someone who cannot write, have written fucking loads. Ah, it’s so nice to write fucking. Heh.

PS: Will be starting a series on Child Sexual Abuse soon: REAL LIFE stories. Will get those who need to notice, to NOTICE. Watch this space. Will need your help.


Anonymous said...

It's wonderful to read you after wht seems like an exceptionally long time. But in the middle of all that angry bashing, I could not miss this one line: 'Yes, if I decide to give you my attention, then am hell bent on ensuring that you don’t get hurt either.'
Anyway, nice to see you Eve

Jappy Boy/Man said...

well Eve*,
I am a male who reads your blogs and no I dont want you to give me a blow job if its your clit who is speaking and if your clit wants to give me a BJ then wouldnt it be just sex??!??
Well perhaps I belong to the third category of men. I have had trouble with my girls (no not abusive or whatever) but the other compatibility kind so I am just curious to see from the other side as to how it feels after a break up or so
Well abt your column on child abuse, I can give you lots of stories some of my own painful experiences

Maxine said...

Its nice to see that Eve has realised the unimportance of loving a single soul.

Almost the end of Eve i suppose and the birth of a warrior princess.

taurius1 said...

It's been fun watching this blog transform... ^_^

Anonymous said...

hey this is the first time I came here..and was the perfect day to do so!!!-- I really needed to see my own anger written down in words..albiet by someone else-- tells me there are more who go through the same..I have never believed in hurting someone to get back and I suck at it --usually end up hurting myself..but I must tell u dudette..after reading this I WANT to hurt this bastard back..can you please tell me how? since you seem to know exactly what to do..in any case keep up the spirits..u have no idea how many relate to this and get a gung ho to live on!!!!! bisou!

catmiester said...

u voice my thoughts...

Ive taken u up on the advice ( and listened to my own instincts) ... and dumped the man.

am still twisting and turning underneath though...

How fucking long am I gonna last, is the question.