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January 20, 2010

A little, big thing

Why am I writing this, writing here? That’s the question I’ve asked the umpteen times I’ve tried blogging and haven’t. Each time I haven’t been certain of the answer and so haven’t bothered to write. I’ve sat and played game after game of online monopoly (pogo.com), tried the same campaign on Age of Empires at various difficulty levels, surfed through various websites…Done everything but blog.

Either I’ve not known why I want to write – not what, never what – or someone else has said it better than I would, could. There’s no dearth of opinions, I’ve always had them by the truckloads, there’s just a sense of… Can’t-be-bothered.

There’s so much that’s happened. It made the last year go by so fast, it seems I went straight from 2008 to 2010. Perhaps my not wanting to write was a way of dealing with so many new things, adjustments, changes. Perhaps.

So many remember-it-lifelong events, moments. So many that at times you (and I) forgot them in an instant unless it had a Facebook album dedicated to it.

The desperation of unemployment. While living an all-paid-for life. The consequent, complete loss of identity, or feeling thereof. It’s not money if it’s not my money, joint account be damned.

The jealousy (and anger) I felt…towards my own Partner because he was doing so well while I languished in self pity. You are someone and I am that someone’s girlfriend. The intense guilt because some times I really wished it was the other way round. And because I was never denied anything.

The acute realisation that I have different coloured skin. And that it’s supposed to be inferior. Not because anyone has been racist towards me. But because the media said they could be. Or that I am supposed to have a “new found sense of superiority”. A polite way of saying “Indians are getting cocky”. Apparently I belong to the “rising Indian middle class” with more “spending power”. I swear I didn’t notice.

A year – well couple of months at least – of travelling, where “travelling” did not mean an 18-hour train journey to see the parents or a road trip to Manali. International travel dudes, spending power and all that. (But it’s not your money said that thought at the back of my head, sometimes at the front of my head too).

The realisation people more qualified than me are walking around jobless. Like the Masters in Accounts waitress at the local restaurant… and feeling guilty that I got a job at one of the community newspapers. It’s a casual position – I have a job if someone resigns or goes on leave – it could go any day. Community reporting, it’s something I did when I started out as a journalist. BUT, it beats making sandwiches and cleaning tables any day. So I lied when she recently asked if I had a job.

It was a year of scoring really well in my Masters final semester. Being “awarded” (it was a book) by this high flying, resident-author-at-uni…and wondering if I deserved it or if it was international student appeasement. Of getting really good feedback from two well-respected industry sources on my novel draft… and wondering if it was because I was selling a West-accepted image of India.

Umm, what is the India-accepted image of India?

Then of course was the grand finale: Finding out that I am pregnant. And realising that I really didn’t ¬– and don’t – have an answer to, “Are you ready for it?” I don’t know, but I know I am having a baby. I know am excited. I know I am bloody petrified.

And I know that no matter how much I am paid, I don't think I can pose nude when pregnant. Nope.

PS: Will this blog now become a "mommy" blog. I don't know. Is it allowed?

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. Your mommy blog would really be worth reading! Intelligent, thoughtful and fun.

Eve* aka JB said...

Oh. Thank-you.

Miss M said...

No wonder the mammaries comment on fb! Have been trying to make sense of it ever since you posted it. :S

CONGRATULATIONS BABE!
And if this does become a mommy blog, we'll read it religiously all the same cos' I think it'll be a rocking mommy blog! :D

Khoob bhaalo khobor eita. Very happy for you! :)

Shady said...

Congratulations JB :)

and yeah I am sure the Mom's blog will be give us a diffrent perspective

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Miss M: thanks. though mammaries are ugh. they feel ugh-er.

Eve* aka JB said...

@ shady: Thank-you...aage dekho kya hota hai!

ahmad raza said...

looks like you are unable to accept your talent going down the drains!! aahh, it hurts!!
can't stop myself on putting this from a movie-
why did superman never got married?
because what would he do if his wife asked him to wear his underwear underneath his pants!!
I hope you get the analogy with your pregnancy!!
btw CONGRATULATIONS!!

MRC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dee said...

Congratulations!

I am curious to see what kind of a mom u'll be.. In a good way, off course :)

MRC said...

Hi

(grin)(grin)and (grin) CONGRATS...Dont worry about the "are you ready thing", if I can handle one,then you with the life you've lived ,can DEFINITELY handle it.
Will comment on the rest of your post after I change the Artimator's diaper.

Looking forward to reading your prego and subsequent mommy blogging and saying "Aaah,I wish I could put it that way"

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Dee: trust me, am curious too!

@ MRC: tks for the show of confidence..dekho baba ki hoye!

Swati said...

OMG!!! congratulations. this is so very great news :)
and also a case of same pinch. i'm pregnant too :)

Mridu Khullar said...

A very hearty Congratulations from a currently very foggy Delhi!

I've been following your blog for a while (though I don't comment very often), and it's always so refreshing to come here. You're anything but predictable!

Jobs, literary identities and incomes are all very fickle, so I hope you're just enjoying this new phase without worrying about those too much.

Congratulations again. Splendid news.

Espèra said...

Ooh! Cool! Congrats! :D

I don't get your mammaries tweet on this blog. :/ Explain please?

Espèra said...

Ooh! Cool! Congrats! :D

I don't get your mammaries tweet on this blog. :/ Explain please?

Passionate Goof said...

Sounds like a very eventful year, with a cherry on top kind of finale! Congrats on your Masters, and more on the impending motherhood. All the best, you are up for a ride of a lifetime.

Sparkling said...

Wow!
Congratulations!!!
I don't know why but I just can't help smiling :)
Take care and I hope you enjoy every minute of it.

And again, congratulations on your masters!!!

Sree said...

With the approach of the DD's even a Door Darshan would be close enough. And be careful when you are on cam with ur folks.I'll tell you why.
The cam is on and u havent adjusted it to show ur face, ur mom comes and sees something and out of shock says "you shaved ur head? then she looks down and says" and ur hiding ur face wit some cloth? repeats" u shaved ur head and u r hiding ur face?
then u adjust the cam to ur face, and says, ma, i'm here.

The"cant be bothered" is not acceptable.but then everybody accepts too if you want to.like the actors who stops acting to be with the family.
golu blog,loona blog,billy blog,mommy blog :)good show.

Pointblank said...

heyaaa :)

That's good new. CONGRATS :) So this is the time to shud leave all ur worries behind and pamper urself silly. u know good food, good rest, good sleep. U will miss all that soon. So take good care of urself and be right back...

simplypallu said...

Big YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Congratulations, MTB. I hope you enjoy the ride. Stay safe and healthy :D

chandni said...

:)

Ravali said...

let me Congratulate u first before I pen u anything .. 90% OF beautiful things in life are nt planned they just happen .. ifs , buts , cons are the corners of the life ..have a great time ahead . hope that u soon post the pics of ur baby . tc . it was nice post .

Kartikey said...

guessed it immediately on reading the title
browsed through everything to confirm victory
cheers

Deepti said...

wow JB .. congrats ... you'll be a rockstar mom ...:D

do bigha zameen said...

how cool is that !! I agree you'll be a rock star mom & that baby is going to be one too !! luv & take care. Btw do you know that I've a 12 year old

Eveline said...

And thus begins the TRILLIONS of pictures we'll be exposed to henceforth. I CAN'T WAIT! ;)
Heee. I can't wait till we get to read the mommy posts. Should make for some funny material! Lil' JB will keep you guys on your toes. :)

Congrats JB!

DewdropDream said...

:) Congratulations JB! Have a safe and happy pregnancy and may you be blessed with a bonny sunshiny baby!

Ashish Chatterjee said...

Big heap congratulations!