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June 23, 2010

Anti-nesting feelings

There's state of mind and then there's a state your mind's in. Or moments when I am so cranky it irritates me. Or I am so irritated I really want to cry.

My belly is HUGE. Correction: The thing under my boobs with red streaks and spider veins running all over -- that can sometimes change shape on its own -- is HUGE. I also projectile puked yesterday because the body felt like it.

I am terrified of the night. It usually means I will have tremendous tummy ache after dinner and will not feel good till I puke. Then I will feel worse for making myself puke. I am terrified of going to bed because I know I won't get any sleep. And because I will be hungry all night because I puked out my dinner. Then next morning it will be a repeat of the cranky-weepy-weepy-therefore-cranky phase. *whimper*

I seem to feel either perpetually terrified, tired, cranky or cantankerous. I am hating it because it's not me. I don't even remember who me is or was. Who me? I want to fight with Partner for doing *this* to me. Then realise I had always been the one going, "I soooo want a baby." (snort) Then I get mad at my body for feeling like this. Followed by bouts of extreme guilt and verbal apologies to my tummy saying, "I am so sorry, it's not your fault and Mamma didn't think those thoughts. Mamma is just tired, hungry and absolutely at her wits end." *waaaanh*

I REALLY want to fight with my doctor, who is so, so nice. Because I want her to say things like, "I think we need to get the baby out of you early." Even though the pregnancy is progressing perfectly (touch wood). Because I have HAD it with being pregnant. Really. And there are STILL four weeks to go. 4x7 = 28 days. If Bub is on time. I don't even want to think of what I'll do if Bub's late.

I want to be able to sleep ON MY BACK with my legs wide apart. Without cramping or my pubic bone hurting. I didn't even know I had a pubic bone (cartilage to be right), or definitely didn't think of it every waking, walking moment. I don't want to get up at night to pee. And pee. And pee. And then take at least 8 minutes to get on bed, keep legs together, swing legs up, hold belly while turning on right side, balance on one arm while gently lowering myself...and then get breathless with the effort.

:( I feel so guilty for writing all that. And more for feeling it. Bub is definitely not getting to see my blog for a long, long, long time. I REALLY want my baby. Now. It's got a lot to do with body going bonkers and also because three of my friends here have had their babies. Their ages (bubs) are 11 months, almost-three months and barely-over-a month (the twins).

I know that other than the belly-discomfort, I definitely won't get any sleep after the baby. But I've just had it and now want to get on with it. Ok, tata bye. Mope for the day over. Now I will go and look at the house and things that need to be done. Then make a list, stick it on the fridge and do nothing about it. At all. F**k nesting. It's just another way of making you clean up.
Don't want to.

17 comments:

Perakath said...

Why can't you sleep on your back? I'd have thought lying on your stomach would be the problem position...

Perakath said...

Test

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Perakath: Och. Because the uterus presses down on the inferior vena cava (artery) that takes blood to the legs and the womb and it makes you feel faint. It's also bloody uncomfortable. :|

Sree said...

Exactly. How dare he do *this* to you! lol.I think even bub must be excited to come out, having to hear your inner voices all the time :D
Takecare and *enjoy* the time :D

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Sree: (sticks tongue out) Trust you to give me the "enjoy this time". :) How are you?

Sree said...

Been good and not so good. Yknow the usual.Somehow today seem hyper happy. Donno why :)

And, atleast your face looks intact and perhaps there is more glow.I was all tired and had this harappa-mohenjodaro mix look.

Pointblank said...

Okay, after I read this.... I never never neverrrrrr want to get pregnant!!!

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Sankoo: Even though he hasn't commented here-- got the file of names, thanks! :)

eve's lungs said...

Have you tried propping yourself up with pillows and then lying on your back ? Makes it easier to breathe . Of course doctors always advise lying on the side .The last month is so bloody uncomfortable anyway . Hugs sweetie :)

Espèra said...

Whoa.
I hope it gets over VERY soon. :)
ANd time somehow flies and its not even a month now! After 8 months, the last lap is left only. :)

Btw, I'm adding you on Facebook. Accept the friend request? Look for the initials SB.

Sankoobaba said...

uhh,,, tc

sharbori21 said...

hi, the last month is the most testing and the most tiring, and because it is the last month, as if every second is passing ever so slowly.

I used to have someone message the soles of my feet with oil. that feels nice and soothes the back as well.

and as we all know, this too shall pass! all the best, have a happy and safe birthing!

Arun Meethale Chirakkal said...

Check out this link:

http://www.health.wa.gov.au/docreg/Education/Population/Womens_Health/HP0495_physio_childbirth.pdf

The Dude said...

damn.. never ceases to amaze what women go through when pregnant and I cant even begin to imagine what the hormones and all will do to you. respect.

all the best with the baby, I know it seems so close yet so far but you've gone this far.. the finish line is within sight and then you'll have your very own little you.

Take care, cheers..

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Eves lungs: Yeah, I have 4 designated pillows these days: head p, back p, between leg p and under-belly p (rolls eyes) There's more pillow than me on the bed these days.

@ sharbori: Hello! I live with my hot water bottle. :) And yes, I do get foot rubs as well. And thank-you

@ dude: Know what? Our mothers had it much harder, and their mothers even harder! Our mothers had hardly any painkillers...their mothers produce more than 4 kids.

Like my grandma had 8 children. why?!!!!

Ria said...

wonder y ppl say pregnancy is a wonderful thing n al dat blah! The last trimestor is really crappy! My no sleep n perpetually zonked out state still continues...if ure thinking thots rite now, its all normal ya...after d baby came out I have to deal with a bulging waistline,lotsa belly fat,thunder thighs n ugly stretch marks... but once ul hold the baby, all dese thots disappear, like poof!

The Dude said...

thats something Ill never quite get.. there's the whole societal-norm-at-the-time-time thing but honestly thats hard to relate to!

respect to them always but doesnt change the fact that I bow before anyone who has the balls to carry a kid to term and deliver the thing. :D

all the best, cheers..