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July 25, 2009

Your press card is invalid.

I've been bloody irregular. I am sorry. Or perhaps I am not. Why should I be? No one pays me to write. No one gives a damn either. Or maybe they do.

It's not that there aren't things/topics to write on. There are. But does my opinion matter? Do my thoughts count? Who the eff am I anyway? Or who do I think I am?

There was a time I was bloody particular about my name. Now the name -- it's phonetic challenge and 'exotic' value -- have become a bane. 'Jhoomur' once, was known. Now I include 'JB' in my resume as well. Just in case 'they' -- whoever they might be -- cannot pronounce my name... Or throw my resume in the bin because of, "What the eff's a jhoomur?"

There's a phrase here, "She's a goer." It means someone who strives, who doesn't let up, a 'go-getter'. Some smart people have also said that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. It sounds bloody cool. But when the tough get going too hard, they end up with tired feet. A broken spirit. Humiliation and an identity crisis.

I blame it on the media. A press card -- that small rectangle with your name, designation and declaration of affiliation with a media house are big things. They begin defining who you are. They defined me for 10 years. Now it's what the eff's a jhoomur. From being interviewed to not getting interviews and not even being eligible for making sandwiches. And people think immigrants just walk in and take native jobs?! How? Where? Can they teach me?

And to think that I chose to leave it all... Personally, I couldn't be happier. But the moment I begin considering the 'personal' in context of just Me -- removed from other people, love, etc -- it begins to irk. Gnaw. Eviscerate.

Ironically, when I've blazed professionally, my personal life has been in the pits (even deeper under). Yet now that the personal angle is happy, I crave that rectangle that was me. My hard work, what I had nurtured... From being 'someone', to being a mere 'huh'.

Now I am beginning to get scared. The tough get going... But what if I am not tough?
Pic courtesy: Sojones


Shanks82 said...

Not paid for writing??

You must be earning well for the Ads on your blog.

Turn ur blog into a book, a sureshot way to earn loads.

Passionate Goof said...

You are what you think you are. It is never an easy decision to start from scratch again, but that does not necessarily mean it is the wrong decision. If it is personal life or professional life, I would always say it is personal priority, what is more important to you?

Sagarone said...

Just hang in there, this is a passing phase....... Starting your professional life again in a new place among strangers is never easy. You have to prove your worth over and over again till you find your niche. What you achieved earlier does not count any more. But you have already demonstrated your potential once and if you can make it in India, you can do it anywhere in the world. So just put that smile back and prepare to face the world again.

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

"No one gives a damn either. Or maybe they do."

Did you not notice my hysteria a couple of days ago?

Sniff, sniff...I'm hurt, I'm really, really hurt!

Oh, sorry, this is about you...

Don't you worry. You are bloody brilliant and I know you'll get something that is not only fun to do but bloody meaningful as well! Just hang in there...it'll happen!!

Just keep the faith!

Eve* aka JB said...

@Shanks: If you know a publisher, send them along. :)

@ Goofy: Don't ask the what's more important question ya?! Why can't I have both? :)

@ Sagarone: Thanks, shall remember that.

@ Mamma Mia: Arre. Mood swing baba. And I DO remember your frantic state, even read the mail to you-know-who. And thankyou, I was really touched by that. Faith I shall keep...thanks

Passionate Goof said...

You will have both eventually, there is a right time for everything. Nobody has everything believe me, just that some people are better at maintaining an illusion that they do.

Dulce Rosales said...

Your writing. The way you say things really touch me ... maybe Because somehow most of us- especially women- are dealing with a tough, rough going.
i love your work, no matter how disappointed you are, you really get to express it far too well. Thank you!

Sukhjit said...

" And people think immigrants just walk in and take native jobs?! How? Where? Can they teach me?"

I can relate to these questions of yours. My family and I moved to the United States four and half years ago. It wasn't as hard for me to overcome the language barrier and get a job as it was for my parents. They faced lots of rejections; some due to not being fluent in English and some cause of the beard or long hair. After a few months struggle they were able to earn a job at a convenient store. My mother was a principle and father was a military officer in India and after moving to the U.S. they had to work in a convenient stores and that too the most odd hours. But they did not give up, now both have come a long way and still are studying to better their lives.

Doesn't matter what happens, do not give up. I am sure soon enough your hard work will pay off. And let the world know, we immigrants work out butts off to get where we are today.

Eveline said...

Poor you, poor you, pour yourself another.
Dont you worry. Something brilliant will find you soon.

I'm crossing my fingers (and legs) for you! Much luck, kiddo!

Ria said...

jhoomur 1st of all, am reading Eve after a long time and really happy to see ure well n back in action! Also am sure this is just a 'passing phase', so the 'goer' in you is sure to strike back quick :)

Have heard how landing the right kinda job becomes a painful struggle overseas, and one ends up feeling really undervalued...but I guess 'patience' is the name of the game and someone with ure talent will definitely bag something relevant soon.Inshaallah

Eve* aka JB said...

@ Rosales: And thank-you for leaving that comment. Hope to see you around.

@ Sukhjit: Thanks mate! Really appreciate your sharing that. Convey my regards to your parents...I shall remember their story and soldier on. :)

@ Eveline: Heh. I think the crossed legs helped... Also, couldn't help but think on a tangent. Er, crossed legs?! :D

@Ria: Long time no read, eh? No worries, think should land something soon enough.

to all: Thanks for the positivity, it really bloody helped!

the mad momma said...

i know what its like to chuck it all up to follow a man. I also know what a thrill it is when your career gets back on track adn you realise that you are BLOODY good and a career is just one part of your life and a rather insignificant one at that. i got a thrill the day i got my press card back, but its over now. i know you wont care soon either.


Eve* aka JB said...

@ Mad Momma: Hello! Good to hear from you...why the hell can i not read your blog?! Wordpress wouldn't let me enter despite signing in?! waaaaaaaaaaanh.

moonstruck maniac said...

Well that is life for us outside India. And it is good. We tend to bloat in India.

As for you, I think JB is tough; not many have bull as their sign.
I won't say hang in there or chill out, this too shall pass; my god, if I use another platitude, I'll choke myself or this teddy next to me.

Work it out babe... you can.