Hot sex positions!

Sex. sex. SEX. sex. Sex. sex. SEX. sex.

Haan. That should do it. Ok, comments please.
Pic: Stefan.blog; xkcd

Stale, Mate?

Inspired by File Magazine's A Collection of Unexpected Photography.
Pic = Kotryna ula kiliulyte

Fiction
The Impasse

Her: I can't do it anymore. Not here, not like this, not right now, not with him. Not to him.

Him: What is she thinking? Does she know? Is she going to cry again?

Her: Again. I am here again. He will take the towel off and look at me. Look at me with disgust. And I will look at him looking at me with disgust.

Him: She is going to cry again. If I ask her what she's thinking, she will lie, as usual. Why does she have to make me feel like a prick each time? Why doesn't she understand it was a mistake? A stupid mistake?

Her: I am tired now. I've been tired for a long, long while. I can see what he sees in me each time I am naked. I don't match up. I don't excite. I don't seduce. I don't satisfy. I...

Him: I hate it how she stands in the same room and cries... and pretends she is not crying. I can hear her. She is whimpering now. Anytime now the accusations will start. Why can't she see? It was a fucking mistake...

Her: How can I match up? I don't have the breasts. I don't have a shaved p****y. I don't wear fishnets. I don't moan. I am not a pornstar. He wants a pornstar. A glamour doll. A woman who takes everything, takes in everything. How can I match up? Am I to blame for...?

Him: Why was I so fucking stupid? She asked me about my fantasy. Why didn't I see the trap? Why did I open my mouth? Now she only sees what she wants to see... And she cries. She hates me. I don't match up. I don't excite. I don't satisfy. She accuses... Why can't she see?

Her: I am breaking inside. How do I tell him? Here? Now? Not? When?

Him: Why can't she see it was a mistake? Why can't she it was only a fantasy? Why can't she see I love her, the way she is?

Her: I can't do it anymore. Not here, not like this, not right now, not with him. Not to him. How can I tell him I am pregnant with another man's child?

End.

PS: A picture speaks a thousand words; and each word can be interpreted so differently. What do you think is happening in this picture? If you can write a short story -- however short -- to go with what you think is happening in the picture, will happily publish it here with a link to your blog/site.

Do you want to touch my monkey?

How many of you think/ agree with the idea that watching pornography together can be good for a couple? A growing number of relationship experts and counsellors suggest that if a couple are having trouble with sex (with each other!) or their relationship is getting lacklustre or they are bored of the same-old-thing vis-a-vis sex, watching pornography will a) bring them closer b) spice-up their sex lives and c) give their relationship a new life. Agree, disagree or think that's crap? I have some ideas/opinions on that but I really want to know what you think. If you know other people who might have a say on the issue or think/feel strongly about it, please pass on this question/link.

(published in) The Hindustan Times, 31 July, 2008
Posing poses, hiking haikus

While 'social porn'
is the latest fad, there
is a whole world
out there that swears
by the madness
-- and pithiness --
of onlike haikus

What do you think of the phrase 'social porn'? To give you a hint, it's one of the latest (well, a year-old) cyber development that has many up in arms. It is user-generated pornography – as against shot-in-the-studio porn – and is slowly, steadily becoming the next best thing after social networking. Why network based on hobbies when you can network based on your fishnet fetish?

Social porn is also the only development that has both feminist groups and the adult film industry people agreeing with each other: Both consider it bad news. If the feminists feel that 'social porn' will further encourage the portrayal of women as commodities (even if the women are happy posing for different angles?), the adult film industry is concerned that the commoditisation will not yield any moolah for them. For their respective reasons, both groups don't want 'social porn' to catch on. Fat chance given it's free and does not need downloads.

Other than social porn (sorry, family newspapers do not encourage porn-pandering so no links!) there's much else that's free on the Internet, particularly in the blogosphere. There is free advice on house-keeping. Or free music reviews, if you aren't already up to your ears with everyone and their grandpa dishing out what they think you should be listening to. Some people do it with style though. "It's not easy being a pretentious, posturing, egocentric, and elitist music snob. In part because there is so goddamn much popular music that it is hard to keep up," says Jason on Hipster Dork even as he takes a punch at Arctic Monkeys – and for those indie-lovers who gasped – at indie lovers.

If Jason's love for phrases like 'pleonastic pablum' put you off and if you are one of Those who insist blogging should have some meaning, some higher purpose, some greater good (etc, yawn, etc), check out Mad Haiku for a hard kick in the gut (or wherever else gives you the kicks). From a take on world peace, Pres Bush to erectile dysfunction, Mad Haiku has some, well, mad haiku on everything. It's best read under the influence of mind altering drugs, but of course you need a doctor's prescription for those. While the haiku's aren't recommended for sending to your girlfriend (unless she has a good sense of humour), you should try those on your boss (they never have a funny bone). Like the one on what the man in the moon really thinks: Full moon in the sky/ Beckons hauntingly/ Earth girls are easy!

Have strong legs, make man happy!

OR Queer, Womyn and Cash!

If you see, those three words in the 'headline' aren't really related. Or they are if you see from another perspective. Once again, apologies for rather sporadic posting, particularly since I'm still not sure about the frequency of my writing here. Am I writing elsewhere? Nah, nowhere other than some scribbles in the notebook that are meant to become blog posts, but don't. Why don't they? Hmmm. Perhaps because as information flows in from all quarters, I'm trying to segregate what I see, sense, learn, un-learn; trying to slot into understandable sub-heads that can then make for (perhaps) readable posts. Sometimes, I'm plain tired. My thighs and calves HURT and occassionally the balls (of the feet!) as well. There's a WHOLE lot of walking one has to do in Melbourne and I've never had strong legs.

Hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn't be accepting I have weak legs... In the movie Mongol, Timugin's (we know him as Genghis/Chengiz Khan) father tells him he should be marrying a woman with strong legs as "they make a man happy". If anyone has any doubts about HOW a woman's legs are supposed to make a man happy -- in Melbourne they might mean she can walk fast and do more work, like in rural parts of India it could mean she is a strong worker! -- just think Xenia Onatopp ('on a top' anyone?!) in Golden Eye and remember how she merrily held on to the men with her legs and then even more merrily squeezed the life out of them. Erm, I mean she killed them, no double entendres. Anyway, thankfully, despite my weak-legs-status, Partner says he is very happy with me.

Ah but perhaps I should not be talking about Partner being happy with me, it could piss off the womyn. 'Womyn' -- not woMEN, it's anti-feministic -- is the only-for-girls group that's there at RMIT, the university I start from Monday. I love their common room and the pamphlets on cervical cancer, anti-womyn's abuse and softer abortion laws (huge number of Catholics love, why do you think the revered Pope is visiting?) that are up on the walls. HOWEVER, the promotion of Guerilla Girls stickers bothers me. Not because I have anything against the Girls or their ideologies, but if I, as a WOMAN can get rights, opportunities, a say, a pay and your balls WITHOUT having to leave the man I love, or hate the man who sired me, or the man who hired me, without ever spreading my legs, fluttering my lashes, or wearing pant-suits or pantyhose to LOOK a certain part, I really don't want to be a guerilla. I really want to sign up for the programme and do things like write or perhaps bake some cookies and cakes once in a while, speak to girls/women/womyn who might need an ear or both... BUT...let's see. I was very excited about being part of a 'feminist' college -- Lady Shri Ram -- but unfortunately, other than much slogan-calling and other stuff, I personally don't think they ever promoted free thought. And well, there's no love lost either way. So while am VERY excited (and bloody nervous) about going back to 'college', let's see. Also, thankfully, I am not going to be the oldest. Yay! I'm still to meet anyone from my course, but read the feedback from a 44-year-old lady and made friends
(perhaps) with a 33-year-old Irani fellow.

Currently, am waiting for classes to start and get a move on things. I am also looking/hoping to get a job. No, I haven't applied yet. While I'd LOVE to do different things -- shoe sales girl, chef assistant, waitress --- it is AWESOME experience and hands-on research... perhaps it will be more prudent to try and find something in my own 'line'. Journalism. Media. Hmmm. It's NOT skilled labour you know -- apparently any idiot can write -- so I don't know or am not too sure about the opportunities, but let's see.

Last weekend I went for my first 'footy' game at the Telstra Dome. That's Australian football, a mix of rugby, soccer and Quidditch (refer Harry Potter you ignorami you, the four goal posts remind me it but no broomsticks, sorry). Somehow the cheering/jeering in Aussie culture goes well with my temperament. I love whistling, hooting and generally being boisterous. I didn't feel like an un-lady-like idiot booing the other team or shouting for mine.

Yes, yes, given that the kids here have footy in their bloods and I have been hearing about it for all but 9 months, I DO love the game. It goes fast, takes a lot of skill and fitness, the boys wear cute shorts and have hot legs and the spirit around is just so bloody infectious. My team -- "my" because Partner's promised to be put me in the next container and ship me off if I support another team -- is called Essendon. The Bombers. Red and black are their colours. Hah. Bongshell for Bombers and I love red and black. Now if only I'd enjoy beer.

Between beer and caffeine and despite the many varieties of tea available in the many Chinese supermarkets, haven't seen Aussie's drinking much else. Since am not earning in AUD yet, am paying 120 bucks for a cappucchino, friggin' 484 bucks for a packet of cigarettes (that should make me quit soon and you DON'T have to remind me of me trying to quit, I remember, I wrote it!) ... And it's hurting. I spent ONLY 300 something dollars yesterday, on ESSENTIALS and that translates into 12,000 Rupees. I am poor. :( After 9 years of working, flashing press cards and beginning 2008, being interviewed on bloody television, I am UN-fuckin-EMPLOYED! :(

Sigh. There's SO much to write... SO much... but slowly.

PS: The 'Queer' in secondary header was because RMIT also has a society for queer students -- gays, lesbians, bis, tranvestites, curious... More on that when I get to know beyond just reading their pamphlets.

Love, Sex and Lies: Surviving, Marriage

Today my parents completed 30 years of being together (32 if you count the two years of courtship) and to be very honest, it completely astounds me how they have managed to be together. Papa likes watching National Geographic, English movies and calls Hindi soap operas rona-dhona (weepies); Mamma watches soaps and loves Hindi movies. He was the most charming bachelor (think he was a player, never dared to ask so far, will do though!), a very good singer-dancer and an excellent public speaker. She was a beautiful girl, insecure, no talent for singing or dancing and a complete introvert. He had traveled a fair bit, had a sense of style, loved books and his English and had a sense of ‘class’. She had never been anywhere except her maternal home and Jabalpur, adored Rajesh Khanna, read only Denise Robins and Mills & Boon and spoke bad English.

They met at her grandma’s place, where he had come to visit another relative, slipped on a wet floor, she had laughed and he had been smitten. Despite their obvious differences, she refused to let anyone insult him – his family was known for their temper and he was short (5 feet 5”) – and he overruled his mother and refused to take any gifts from anyone. His mom wanted a carpet, a vehicle and what not, he refused to “accept” his bride in anything but “the sari she has on her body.” And that’s how he got her home. She got her Prince Charming but there was no kingdom. There was a baby on their first anniversary and at the meager salary Army officers got back then, they had to sell off whatever little jewellery she had. From having the most exotic and latest collection of colognes, the latest chart busters and a weakness for classic, expensive ties, he went to being happy with his quota of cigarettes, his rum and buying expensive dolls for his three-year-old.

As we grew up, she often complained about him not helping in the house, of being domineering and a tyrant. He in turn blamed her for being a nag, a party-pooper and for speaking “Mrs Pinto’s English.” She still cannot pronounce ‘statistics’ properly. Yet if he bought me my early books and read some of them, it was she who explained the meaning and encouraged me to participate in debates, dance competitions, speech contests… And they both stood proudly when we did well at school. The only times I have seen my parents kissing is when he would be going out-of-station; then too a chaste, gentle kiss on the mouth, with all attempts to NOT do it before the children. Hmm. I’ve never heard them exchange I-love-yous. Yet he completely broke down the one time she fell really ill. (Strangely, Ma’s never fallen ill! Touch wood) I was 14 and Ma was in the hospital and Papa had not shaved – blasphemy when you’re an officer – and had called me and said, “Mamma is ill, you’re the lady of the house, you have to help Papa, you know Papa is not too good with housekeeping.” That after he had refused to let me make tea because, “My daughter will not work in a kitchen,” from a man who needed his meal to be “proper”. After two days of washing dishes, I promptly fell ill (weak shit) and Mamma miraculously recovered. That was the only time I’ve seen her resting.

If I were to apply my Rules of Relationship Maintenance (as Partner calls them), their marriage should not have lasted. It has. Can I do the same, make a relationship last? Can you? Can we?

This is a cover-story I had done for What’s Hot, a Friday-pullout published for The Times of India; used to be their features editor then. Perhaps I'd do the article somewhat differently today... A two-years-old article (first published August 25, 2006), the questions still remain…

Age old marriage, same old questions

Armed truce? Loving someone else? Money? Kids? Jhoomur Bose finds out the little things creating big problems in marriages today

Infidelity is the flavour of the season. If the column space, film reel and talk time given to the phenomenon are anything to go by. Blame it on Shah Rukh Khan and Karan Johar for showing the ‘reel’ face of Indian marriage where couples fall in love with someone else and go looking for happiness outside marriage (Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna). But is that really the case? Are we ready to leave our partners for that elusive soul mate who might be waiting somewhere? Or are we looking for the love we thought we would find in marriage, but didn’t?

What’s Hot conducted a survey and asked 200 married people to find out if they would break their marriages for love—outside marriage. A whopping 73 per cent said they would NOT leave their partners for another. This is where it gets interesting. On the one hand, most say they will not leave their spouses. So if couples today are not leaving each other, does that mean Marriage has survived? Experts tell us that it might just have, but with a new set of problems and a new set of understandings. Marriage today means...

THE SURVEY

Is love with someone else possible when one is already married?

Yes: 73% No: 27%

If love happens outside marriage, should one leave the current

partner? No: 70% Yes: 18% Unsure: 12%

If a married friend leaves his/her spouse, will you be okay with it?

Yes: 72% No: 28%

If your partner falls in love with someone else, how will you react?

Will let them go: 57%, Will hurt, but will stay: 26%, Will have no issues: 10%, No issues if platonic: 7%


TOO MUCH, TOO SOON

“And they lived happily ever after” is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It’s tragic because it’s a falsehood. It is a myth that has led generations to expect something from marriage that is not possible.” — Joshua Liebman, author

Expectations. The one word that usually sounds the death knell for innumerable marriages. The expectation usually comes with a ‘high’ attached to it and also with varying stages of ‘unpreparedness’ for marriage. Says Sanjeeta, clinical psychologist, St. Stephens Hospital, “Readiness to marry is very important when two people tie the knot. However, that does not happen. People today plunge into marriages with a lot of unreal expectations, when they are not even prepared for marriage and have no clue of what marriage entails. Disillusionment is inevitable.”

Take Ruth and David,* who were college sweethearts. However, once they were married, love flew out of the window as soon as they were confronted with the mundane tasks of life. While Ruth had been the princess of her house and hadn’t ever lifted a finger, David too had been a pampered child and was expecting his wife to look after him like his mother did. Result? Ruth felt inadequate, she couldn’t “live up to his expectations.”

Sanjeeta points out that it’s not the major flare-ups that cause problems in marriages, but the smaller, seemingly trifling issues. “When both parties realise that marriage is not a bed of roses, when reality hits home, the men turn alcoholic, even violent, and the women go into depression.” Tarot reader Poonam Sethi, spiritual guru Yogi Ashwani or Sanjeeta, ask any expert and they tell you of many, many couples who come to them seeking relationship solutions. “Don’t look at marriage as a key to the perfect life you’ve always aspired for,” advises Yogi Ashwani of Dhyan Foundation. Sanjeeta feels the same, “People want their partners to be everything they dreamt of. You have to realise that your husband or your wife cannot give you all the happiness you want, in the sense that they cannot be everything for you.” Have expectations but do keep them real—your partner’s human too.

BAGGAGE: WOULDN’T WORK

“If I did not succeed in marriage, how will my daughter succeed?” — Filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt on his then-unmarried daughter Pooja

Thankfully though, neither her father’s failed marriages nor his optimism about her failure in the marital arena daunted Pooja when she married Manish Makhija. However, neural wave therapist and counsellor Ranjeev Malhotra will tell you that it’s not as easy to get away from the influence of parents. “People are insecure, even afraid of marriage. From what we see of our parents and things that happen with other couples, people come with preconceived notions about marriage. When we see a marriage or relationship failing before us, a context is created. Later when something similar happens in our marriage, we see things in the context of the past and not in the context of current events. People don’t do a reality check and believe that marriages are like this—that they’re meant to be broken.”

Dr Samir Parikh, clinical psychologist, Max Medicare, calls it the “desensitisation and disinhibition” of people. “Earlier there were certain social deterrents when it came to maintaining a marriage. However, with divorces rising, infidelity increasing and because of things you hear and see around you, those very deterrents are being pushed back. People end up thinking, ‘When everyone else is doing it, let me do it too.’” And he’s right. Payal, 34 and mother of two, justifies her affair with a younger colleague. “Look around and show me one happy marriage. It’s been happening for a while. So what if couples are breaking apart or sleeping around to remain married? Everyone is doing it—and as long as my marriage is intact, who really cares?”

Maintaining conjugal bliss is all about giving each other a break and not getting hassled about what’s happening with other marriages. As Ranjeev says, “Our upbringing, the relationship our parents shared, the marriages of our friends—all factors affect our view of marriage.” However, just because your friend’s marriage ended doesn’t mean yours will too. As Poonam says, “The smart ones stick on. The emotional fools wreck their marriages.”

(*Some names changed on request)

BASTARD MEN, CLINGY WOMEN

“The conventional Indian man is taking his shower when the conventional Indian woman —his wife—is having her orgasm.” —Dr Jitendra Nagpal, on how sexual incompatibility creates problems

If parents and society leave a mark on the way we perceive marriage, preconceived notions about men, women, relationships also play roles. Ranjeev adds, “Most men and women carry certain tainted opinions about the other sex and most of the time we are busy trying to prove how the marriage will not work out. If the women think all men are bastards, the men think all women are clingy. What happens next is that the man thinks his wife is trying to ‘cage’ him and
starts staying late at work, staying away from home and suddenly develops a need for more friends to avoid her. Understandably, the woman feels ignored, rejected, taken for granted and thinks all men are bastards. She starts being too clingy, too questioning and tries to hold on to the man even tighter thus proving his point that women are clingy. It’s a vicious cycle.” For Sanjeeta, it all boils down to space and mutual respect. “It is always a good idea to keep some amount of formality in a marriage. The moment you stop respecting the other’s personal boundaries, your marriage begins going downhill.”

CASH: YOURS, MINE OR OURS?
Earlier, things were simple in a marriage: hubby went out to earn, wife stayed home. This cozy scene was spoilt once women started earning. Jitendra Nagpal, marriage counsellor and consultant psychiatrist at VIMHANS, explains, “The male has always been head of the family in the patriarchal set-up. Trouble starts when, even with changing equations and women working, we are hypocritical and would like to believe that the man is STILL the only head of the family.” Dr Vasantha R Patri says that the problem arises because a large number of married women do not have control over their own money as it’s still the husband who decides how the money is spent.

LET’S GO FISHING

“Couples are placing less premium on commitment and are constantly confused.” — Dr Sanjeeta Prasad

“When you get into a marriage, you need to give your 100 per cent to it. However, given the socio-cultural changes we are undergoing today, an increasing number of young couples feel there are ‘more fish in the ocean’. Where if one partner does not work out, we move on to another, and another... But are these couples sure where their search for Mr/Ms Right will end? The whole attitude of ‘hua to hua, nahi to nahi’ won’t get us anywhere,” says Sanjeeta. Vasantha feels today women are fishing too. “Looking for love, sex and companionship outside marriage is nothing new to us. Look at the zamindars and maharajas. Today it’s different because the women want it too. Earlier they kept quiet, today women will have their fun too and will stay in a marriage for other benefits, not just the husband’s love or loyalty.”


WHOSE WORK IS IT ANYWAY?

“In the last 25 years, with access to higher education and more such opportunities, women have moved on to a more liberated attitude. However, most men are still frozen in time, 30 years ago. Among working couples, while both bring in a good pay packet, it is still the woman who has to do the housework,” says Vasantha. Ranjeev feels the man-woman relationship, particularly marriage, has also changed into a companionable human relationship of two individuals who share equal power. “It’s companionship that women are asking for, which the male is slowly adjusting to. Women want a partner, not a husband,” he adds. But do the men understand this?

For Jitendra, ‘division of labour’ has yet another connotation in the modern marriage. “The onus of understanding this social change has come to lie only on the woman. The responsibility of sustaining the new dynamics in a relationship is also on her, which adds to her pressures.” He adds, “When a couple comes for counselling, it’s funny to see them. Both parties would wait for the other to start speaking first, or one would ask the other to put his/her grievance first, or one would like to talk separately and not in front of the spouse. As a professional, there are many times when I can see that the couples themselves are confused and wondering—Where did we go wrong?”

Changing equations, both working to make the relationship work, understanding undercurrents or letting each other be—what do we do to rejuvenate our marriages into really fulfilling relationships? Jitendra’s take is that it will happen only when the men catch up with the women, who’ve zoomed far ahead. “All that the women need to do is be patient, particularly when it comes to men. As the Irish song goes, it is good to remember your husband at the end of the day is “just a man’.”

Right. But what about “just a woman”? Isn’t this placing the onus back on women?

Is sex against the Indian culture?

“There are no coincidences in life, everything is planned,” wrote James Redfield in The Celestine Prophecy. There has much debate about that logic what with Christian theologists claiming that God has indeed planned everything and even though we might think an event/occurrence is a coincidence, it was supposed to happen. Hinduism too believes in Destiny being preordained and while we might make our choices, our path in life has already been decided. As far as I am concerned, both decided Destiny and coincidence could well be true.

Like going underground (hiding on the fourth floor that is) for three months and the night I decide to go out, I crash a guy’s party with common friends – without any intention of meeting any prospective love interest – and the host turns out to be by Partner now. And two years after I wrote it, he is word for word the man I had wished for in a post called, Here’s my Soulmate.

Like from going on a decided path to becoming a doctor, my father gets posted to Delhi, we have a neighbour who’s daughter was studying journalism and lo! I enroll into a journalism course. Or as I wrote earlier, on our first class assignment, a professor declaring “You are the next Shobhaa De” (we will never ask my Dad for his opinions on that, ok?) and then being a panelist with her on a TV show nine years later… What was destiny and what is coincidence?

Like is it coincidence that the next chapter on Mishraji’s Musings was written right after I participated in ‘We the People’ in January 2008… and now that I am going to republish it, last night NDTV re-ran the programme? Destiny, coincidence, convenience?

If you have had experiences that seemed like coincidence and turned out to be of major importance, write in and share… let’s get spooked!

Mishraji’s Musings Chapter 6
Sex is against the Indian culture

It was a perfect January morning till the madly chiming doorbell woke one up. After no interaction with one's elderly neighbour Mishraji for a fair bit, there he was, standing at my door, in his pyjama-kurta and looking very angry. One opened the door and waited.

For a minute Mishraji just stood glaring, then pointing a finger at one's nose said, "You lied. You are NOT a journalist, I know WHAT you are." Having just woken up - that too rudely - one mumbled something about showing him the appointment letter and immediately wished one had kept shut.

"I don't care what your appointment letter says madam. How is that you work for a TV company and I have never seen you on TV?" Mishraji demanded. One pointed out that one worked for the Internet company owned by the TV channel and not...

"STOP lying madam!" Mishraji growled, clearly in no mood for even logical interruptions. "I know exactly WHAT you write on the Internet." That statement removed all vestiges of sleep and one was wide-awake. All the previous posts about the Mishra family flashed before one's eyes. One knew that Mishraji did not read blogs, but it was apparent that someone had told him. Even as one thought of a suitable response to explain why one had been writing about the Mishra Family Drama, Mishraji spoke.

"You cannot masquerade as a journalist anymore madam. YOU are a... are a... SEX writer!" One was stunned. Mishraji continued, "You cannot deny it. Someone I know saw you on that TV show with Barkha Dutt." And then it hit home: Mishraji had found out about an episode of a talk-show where yours truly was one of the eight panelists on a discussion on blogging. One had not realized that some Mishra family acquaintaince could also be watching the show. They had and one wanted to kick one's own backside for not thinking about the ramifications of participating on the show earlier.

One tried to explain that one wrote on women's issues, child sexual abuse, relationships and... Mishraji would have none of it. "This is a respectable colony in respectable India, madam. We don't talk about such things here. I have grown up kids and they will get wrong ideas when they read you. My very dutiful wife will get new ideas when she reads you. Sex is against the Indian culture," he declared. One wondered aloud on how new ideas were against Indian culture... Mishraji exploded.

"I always knew you were the danger-to-society type. Living alone with two dogs, too outspoken, wearing only jeans, no shame... You are the type of scarlet woman who misleads the youth of this country. You are a shame on India, on this colony..." Mishraji nearly frothed at the mouth.

At that precise moment - even as one reeled under the attack - Pinkiji (Mishraji's 19-year-old daughter for those who don't know) came running out of the house. She was wearing her pink nightie, had morning hair and her face was chalk-white.

"Papaji, papaji, please come quick. Tinku bhaiya has... he has..." and Pinkiji burst out crying. Even as an alarmed Mishraji turned towards his house, Mrs Mishraji came running out too.

"Aap gussa mat kariye, please don't get angry, everything will be all right, keep your cool," she said trembling. She held a sheet of paper in her hand. Mishraji stopped dead in his tracks and took the note from her and read it aloud. It was from his 22-year-old son Tinkuji.

"Dear Papaji,
I know you will never forgive me. But I really love her and I don't care about approval, though I would like to have yours and Mummyji's. The new generation does not think like you do. We don't care about religion, at least not when it comes to love. I love her and will marry her. I am leaving house. I am marrying Catrina. Married couples with age difference and religion difference is nothing new. It's happening all over. You can check the Internet."

Tinkuji had run away with Catrina Kohli who was a Sikh and 10 years older to him.

Everyone stood silently; yours truly shivered in the cold January breeze. Mishraji crushed the note into a ball, his shoulders shook, one didn't know with shock or... He turned and as he looked at one, his face was full of hate and his eyes mere pinpoints.

"YOU! It's Internet people like you who are teaching these things to our children, showing them ways different from the way things have been. If my son does not return, YOU will have to answer," and Mishraji threw the balled note on one's face, spat on the ground and stalked off.
To be continued...

Men don't want virgins and women lie about sex...

Much has happened in terms of sexual liberation for women in the 21st century: Cleavage competed with koala bears and gave chick magazines more shelf-space than a Readers’ Digest or National Geographic, Aung Su Kyi was forgotten while Carrie Bradshaw’s stiletto-ed serial man-changing became the beacon for new womanhood and Coupling showed where the modern relationship was going with a boyfriend watching his girlfriend’s with-ex-sex video to see if she did things any differently ‘back then’…

For long feminists have screamed hoarse about men’s double standards when it comes to sex: How men have a different set of rules for themselves and another book for women, how a man who’s had many women is a ‘stud’ while a girl who gives up her hymen before she marries the Right One is a ‘slut’ and how a man will gladly sleep with a woman with prior sexual experience but will look at a virgin when it comes to marriage. If latest surveys are to be believed, it seems the feminists have still much longer to cry: Sexually experienced women might be seen as liberated and ‘sexier’ but they are also seen as scarier!

The latest Kinsey Institute study (published April issue of Archives of Sexual Behaviour) suggests that while younger men feel threatened by sexually experienced women the older men find them desirable and arousing. But that was the result when the men were asked about the kind of women/woman they like to have sex with, would the results be any different if the research was on the kind of wife a man looked for? Given pre-marital sex is still frowned upon in India and arranged marriages are the norm for the majority, one wondered about the results in an Indian context…

In a survey of 25 people – 13 women, 12 men, single, all working in industries that demand close man-woman interaction and all of whom have equal opportunities when it comes to meeting and mating with the opposite sex – the answers one received were startling. For one, most of the women polled DEMANDED their men have prior sexual experience…

The orgasm is my birthright
The first question was common to both men and women: Would you like your partner to be sexually experienced?

Of the women polled, 69 % want their men with prior sexual experience, 23 % didn’t mind someone without experience and only 8 % insisted on their man being a virgin. For all the newfound sexual forthrightness of women, men are still supposed to take the lead when it comes to bedroom antics. Women, irrespective of their having prior experience or not, would rather have a man who is not a virgin. Why? “I am looking for a boyfriend/ husband and not a child who needs to know stories about bees and birds,” says one 25-year-old feisty woman. For another it does not matter if he has any experience “as long as he is attentive”. Someone who knows the moves and someone who is attentive: From holding on to their ‘virtue’ for the Right One, the focus for the girls seems to have shifted to ‘what’ the Right One does for them. In other words, the pressure is on the man to keep the woman happy.

The pressure’s showing on the men as well and it’s perhaps no surprise that the younger lot is ‘scared’ of demanding, sexually experienced women. If on one hand there is performance anxiety about being compared to past lovers, there is now the added pressure of even inexperienced women having high magazine-propagated expectations of a man’s bedroom prowess. Despite men being considered sexually hypocritical when it comes to the marriage market – and wanting to marry virgins – the men polled were quite open-minded towards women with prior sexual experience. While 54 % men were happy with their partner whether a virgin or not, 46 % insisted on preferring women with prior experience: A case of the stereotype of what men consider ‘ideal wife material’ changing or simply a case of the men giving politically correct answers? Further probing revealed it could well be the latter, but with both men and women being equally hypocritical…

Heard about too much experience?
The second question, though fundamentally the same, was tweaked a bit for the guys and girls keeping in mind the assumption that men are considered more sexually active than women. The men were asked if they were okay with their partner having slept with three men (or more) while the women were asked the same but with their partners having slept with eight or more women.

Despite majority of the men and women saying they were okay with the idea of a sexually experienced partner, the limit to what each group considered ‘experienced’ differed. A whopping 76 % of the men polled said while they were okay with their partner’s prior experience though they’d rather not know details or numbers. Only 14 % said they would be bothered if their girlfriend/partner had had sex with more than three men.

Compared to the men, only 23 % of the women polled were comfortable with their husband/partner having had multiple sexual encounters while 73 % said they would be decidedly uncomfortable if their man had “slept with the whole world”. Even the women who said they were okay with their man having had multiple partners were comfortable “only if he was in relationships with those women and not just one night stands.” Some women however felt “More than six or eight intimate relationship in case of a man mostly suggests he treats women as play things, has no integrity and is absolutely unstable”. Can the same then be said about women who have had relationships with three or more men? Not so, declare the girls and insist women cannot be ‘judged’ on the same terms because women would have multiple partners only when “forced to” or when past relationships didn’t work out. Somehow that does not quite gel and sounds like women resorting to the same double standards they have hitherto accused the men of…

Let sleeping dogs ‘lie’…
Finally both men and women were asked if they would be forthcoming in talking about their past relationships with their partners. The answers were far from comfortable…

For long magazines and feminists alike have demanded that when it comes to sex, men and women should be judged equally. ‘If a man can sleep around so can a girl’ be the cry for equality. Women today seem to be doing exactly what the men were earlier accused of and getting away with it in the name of bridging the gender divide. For instance, in a scene from Devil Wears Prada, Anne Hathaway’s character has a one-night stand with a colleague when she is on a break-up-to-think-things-over with her boyfriend. Had it been a man in a similar situation he would have been labeled a slime ball and an opportunist who didn’t waste time in sleeping with another woman. Since it was a girl though the situation was deemed as her “finding her own footing” and giving men a taste of their own medicine. Equality or reversed hypocrisy again?

When asked about discussing past relationships, 76 % of the men polled said they would be completely honest with their partner, though a majority said, “only when she asked for it”. Only 15 % said they would “downplay” the number of partners but mostly only if their partner was inexperienced. Again for the men, they did not have many hang ups about their partner’s past life as long as they were told about it and did not “find out after marriage” according to one and as long as “she did not keep bringing up her past”. For the women though, they were more curious about their partner’s past life and more forthcoming in volunteering information about their own… with a clandestine twist.

Of the women polled, 31 % said they will be happy to talk about their past relationships while 69 % said, “Only after editing bits here and there”. While most women seemed okay with discussing heartbreaks, almost all – barring those who have had no sexual experience – were hesitant about discussing numbers with their partners. If relationships are built on trust, does it not tantamount to lying? The girls don’t think so, as one 25-year-old put it, “Never about past experiences. I did it once and it was always brought up every time something went wrong. The number of men should not matter, everyone has a past and it’s not something you can change.” However, it’s not about the unchangeable past that has women “editing” details. As one woman put it, “In my experience guys don't usually want to hear about it.”

So while women seem to be marching towards more sexual freedom and demanding their men come with a “has done it” certificate, they would withhold information about their own experience. If earlier a man with multiple sexual partners was considered a ‘player’ and someone to be “scared of”, the Kinsey Institute study suggests that men are equally scared of “player” women. One wonders then, are we really breaking stereotypes and making ‘progress’ or is it a case of the entire sexual double standard and gender divide reversing, with women now becoming the new men?

PS: Would love to know your views on the above, do write in!

Cows, klutz and convenience: Superstar, India?

"India has earned superstar status", reads the intro on the Facebook group homepage for Shobhaa De's new book, Superstar India.

Even before I read the book -- though I've got two reviews on it from people and they suggest one should read it -- I am a little skeptical if it will indeed be any different from the other books on India; books that usually get stuck trying to define our country. If I was to ask you, WHAT does India stand for (and by extension, Indians), what would be your answer?

Australia means aggression, America means attempts at world domination, China means doing better at world domination than America, Japan means economic progress and bad housing, Sri Lanka means good sportsmen and Tamil Tigers... and India? Don't say illegal immigrants because we get our fair share of people coming into India too. And no, it’s not just Bangladeshis or Nepalese. We have enough people coming in from so-called developed countries, entering India on tourist visas and working and earning more than your Bangladeshi housemaid or Nepalese driver does. Why? Because our visa laws are far softer on people and what they do once they are IN India. Perhaps it’s high time India got a bit selective about who she lets inside her borders as well?

One of my earliest memories of understanding what India meant to those “abroad” was the Peter Sellers movie, The Party. He plays a “klutzy Indian movie star” who doesn’t even know how to flush. Funny that Amitabh Bachchan should be voted the Star of the Millennium by none other than BBC. Talk to anyone about anything related to marriage and the first thing almost everyone asks is, “Why do people agree to arranged marriages?” Hell why not, at least we won’t be like Japan where single people are committing suicide out of loneliness and depression. And why is it SO hard to see arranged marriages as a way of creating an opportunity for like-minded people to meet, who otherwise perhaps wouldn’t have met? Yes, it has become a way of forcing alliances too, but it’s about people misusing the format rather than there being anything wrong with arranged marriage per se.

“I haven’t seen many Indian girls hanging out with their male friends,” said a French lady I met recently. She lives in Vrindavan and I am not surprised. But then, do girls in rural France go boogieing at discotheques? Aren’t they supposed to be drinking pastis and managing roadside motels? “How do Indian girls have fun, I have not seen many drinking,” said another. Maybe that’s the reason why the stats for alcoholic (depressive and suicidal) women are less in India? “All Indian girls older than 24 get married and constantly talk about babies. Their lives revolve around babies,” says a non-Indian friend.

What’s wrong with a mother’s life revolving around her babies? I can say for sure that I am REALLY glad my mother lived for us (else I would be more of an attention-seeking freak than I already am). Partner’s mother too focused her life on her babies and damn, I am bloody glad of the man she made her son into. They are not Indians. I also know of other Indian mothers who manage to focus on their babies and think about and do a whole lot of things as well. Mothers focus on their children and it’s irrespective of being Indian or otherwise. And why the hell does a mother’s interest and her children have to be a conflict of interest anyway?

Anyway. I could go on and on, but if I had to find one word – before I find a better one – that explains India and Indians, it would have to be ADAPTABLE. We change, we modify, we adopt, we adapt and we are fucking good at making things work for us.

PS: Here is the promo for the show, have a look. If the video does not work, click on THIS. (Working on embedding video here, till then check the link)

Glamour Bazaar India

Glamour Bazaar, CNN-IBN, May 2, 10pm

So it’s official now, the promo for the CNN-IBN show I participated in should be up by the end of the day and those who have the channel at home – and watch it! – can perhaps catch it on TV. It’s called ‘Glamour Bazaar’ (it’s a special and airs on Friday, May 2, 10pm on CNN-IBN) and talks about a whole lot of things from the P3P phenomenon becoming a daily part of our lives, the changing priorities for the current generation, the dumbing down of the media (how about dumb audience expectations instead?) and if we have become more open in talking about certain subjects and if that changes things around us at all.

The panelists on the show were author and columnist Shobhaa De (her book, Superstar India released yesterday), the ad man with the mouth Alyque Padamsee, editor Screen Bhavna Somayaa, journalist and blogger Sonia Faleiro and yours truly. The fun bit was that I was the second choice for the show and a reluctant one since our channel does not believe in promoting in-house people. Was the debate worth it and did it really reach any conclusions? I will leave you to make those conclusions once you see the show (and if I am able to put up a video link for you). I am not too sure of how much of what I’ve said will be kept on air since I was one of the least known of the panelists. But what I can tell you is that I quite enjoyed finally meeting Shobhaa and Alyque, the latter since I have quoted him a few times in features I have done over the years and Shobhaa because… Aha. An anecdote.

First year of college – was studying journalism at the illustrious (or so I thought!) Lady Shri Ram College for Women – and one of the first writing assignments our class of 22 was given was to pen our thoughts on the man of our dreams. Most members of my class had fumed at the topic, after all this was the generation of female liberation, this was the college which apparently bred feminists in every corner of its red bricked walls and here we were being asked to write about our dream man. As if women only thought about men, horror, shudder. I don’t remember what the other chicks wrote, but my piece was titled, ‘My knight in a shining BMW’. That definitely was not my dream man but it sure was a fun way to heckle the righteous.

The class scoffed and the visiting faculty – despite three books out on How To Be A Journalist, was not too well known in the media circles – declared that I was going to be “the next Shobhaa De.” I had died laughing imagining my father’s reaction to that one: On discovering that I was reading Jackie Collins and De, Dad had threatened to disown me and had summarily banned both authors at home. And now this, my professor declaring I was on the road to doing a De! I happily narrated the day’s happenings at home and as predicted, dad was disappointed that I showed promise of the doubtful kind.

Anyway, that was in 1998 and 10 years hence, it was rather funny to be sitting on a panel with Shobhaa De on the eve of the launch of her 15th book. Actually, it was weird. I don’t consider it any “achievement” – given that my being called for these shows is more because I am willing to shoot my mouth off than any ‘talent’ or because they think I have anything important to say, also because I know how panelists are chosen for shows! – but just that, sometimes, real life can be rather strange. So now I am wondering… Who else did I read clandestinely and my dad banned me?
(Smirk, shakes head, goes to get ready to step out for a media night with Partner and colleague in neighbourhood pub).

Drunk sex is NOT honest sex!

"Have you written anything on women who date arseholes?" asked sexy Sheila* (not her real name, but says if she had a fictional name that's what she'd like to be called). I promptly sent her the link to 'Good girls and jerk-ing off' but was not too sure if that post answered whatever she had in mind. No matter what the reasons for women dating jerks and arseholes -- this blog has given reasons too -- I think it all boils down to one simple word: STUPIDITY.

While no woman would date a man if she knew at the onset that she was getting into a messy situation, what I FAIL to understand is WHY women (and men) continue in a relationship even when it becomes very obvious that it's a downhill road for them (a whole lot are already in the ditch and are in denial about it)... Or when it is VERY clear the other is NOT interested.

Some keep waiting for the phone to ring, some wait for hours even when they have been stood up three evenings in a row, some stew visualizing what the other must be doing when s/he is not with them, some will take rejection (no hugs, being pushed away etc) hoping it's a passing phase, some will ignore blatant signs (like lipstick marks or a raunchy email) thinking they're being understanding and are giving 'space' to the other and some will even overlook a sperm-laden condom in the dustbin justifying he must have been masturbating wearing a condom.

'Hurt' cannot be helped when the object of our affections turns down the affection and runs the other way. However, DIGNITY can be maintained if you get the signs and get on with your own life. It IS a cliche but unfortunately it's true: NO one can make us feel like a doormat unless we are lying on the ground and asking to be stepped over. We usually wear a sickening weepy, don't-break-my-heart look too. It looks UGLY.

If he says he will call and does not call back - repeatedly - get out. If he says he is in a meeting and you find out he was watching a movie with someone - get out. If he was supposed to spend time with you and instead runs for an "emergency" humanitarian meeting with the ex - get out. If he would talk about emotional things to the she-colleague/ Ex rather than with you - get out. If he hugs you only when he wants to fuck you and never else - get out. If he constantly compares you to the Ex and says she was better - leave him with the memories and get out. If he shags you ONLY when he is drunk - get out! Seriously, you are anyway being treated badly... How much worse will it be to walk out?

Confessions over Coffee: A Series

Coffee can cure almost anything – hang-overs, bad days at work, period cramps and even helps detox after some indulgent evenings.

As one downed the third cup of much-watered down, machinated Office Coffee – there's coffee and there's Office Coffee – Friend instant messaged and greeted one with a, "YT?", which in Internet chat lingo means 'You there?'

You get the maximum YTs on days you are the busiest and have a glaring Busy icon next to your name. Before one could respond to the abbreviated query, Friend continued, "Tell me if I should dump him: he does not want to commit, still talks to his ex girlfriend and sends me confusing signals." Despite the Busy sign, such peculiar state of affairs and persistent messaging had engaged one's attention. One asked Friend how long she had been dating her current cause for trouble. Apparently, one had asked the wrong question.

"But I am not dating him. We hang out together, sometimes, talk on the phone, sometimes and even chat on the net, sometimes. Actually, it's always me who takes the initiative. So I am thinking if I should give this up... We also have sex, sometimes, usually when he is piss drunk," Friend paused. One instant-responded and pointed out that it was tough 'giving up' something you don't "have". The pointing-out was not appreciated.

"What do you mean don't "have" him? What does it mean if someone hangs out with you, calls you, chats with you too and even has sex?" One suggested meekly that it could mean either that the other enjoys your company, or that you are a good shag or he's too drunk to realise the difference; it usually works that way.

Friend replied, "What nonsense! It means that you Really Like that person, want to be with him/her, talk to them, SMS them, spend money on them... And don't they say men are the most honest when drunk?" One really wanted to point out that it could be real good marketing strategy to promote drinking but looked like one had got it all wrong again.

Friend continued, "But do you think someone could do all that without being emotionally involved?" One was considering writing ALL MEN in 72-point size but was saved the trouble by Friend's self-diagnostic abilities.

"But maybe I am being too hasty on deciding that he's the one for me... After all, he hangs out, calls and chats with other women too. I don't think he sleeps with anyone else because he says he can have sex only when he is drunk; and am usually with him when he is drunk or he comes and picks me up. He also made me meet his parents when we bumped into them at the mall. He also took me along for his office party. He even confesses that he can REALLY talk to me and that I am different from the other girls. You know HOW men are, always hinting at things... But I cannot take the suspense any longer... What do you think, is he using me? Should I dump him?"

Thankfully the Internet connection died at that precise moment. And Erica Jong did say that advice is what we ask for when we know the answer and wish we didn't...
Moral of the story? Coffee can cure anything, it cannot cure stupidity.

PS: Conversation 2-minutes after posting this...
Pirate: But drunk sex is fun...
Me: definitely! :) the guy doesn't remember and the girl thinks it was great because he lasted really long...
(Published, Metro Now, New Delhi, March 13)

Blog for today (and no promise that I'll post one everyday!)--->
"I know cricket is an emotional game and millions cry when Sachin gets out at any point in the match. I also know that people want Mahendra Singh Dhoni to score at least four a ball and that a Pathan ball must both inswing and outswing and hit the middle wicket every time. That a foreign player abusing us is a monkey but our players can refer to be in bed with the other player’s mother and it’s a simple and innocent teri maa ki..."
From KaKiSi's World

F**k You TV and How to Find A Husband

There was a reason why for the last 8 years I did not have a TV at home, watching television depresses me. The TV and everything on it is designed to make you feel really bad about yourself, one way or the other.

Like the ads that show women with lustrous, beautiful hair that bounce more than their boobs do when they walk or run. (Majority hair ads have women playing, jumping, running, why?) Or ads where men are ALWAYS gifting expensive jewellery to their girls and looking happy about it, ads where Papas have loads of time to sit and chill with the family or ads that show how women with pimples/acne don’t get boyfriends. Or stupider TV shows…

I just got up after watching this series on Discovery Travel & Living called, How To Find A Husband (also shown on UKTV). It’s a pre-recorded show about Sally Gray (reporter and TV presenter for last 15 years) who dates 50 men in 10 weeks to find herself a husband. The promo for the show goes, “I am 37 and still single. There is nothing wrong with being single…but now I want a husband…blah…and I don’t want to be stuck wearing this fucking SINGLE ring for the rest of my life.” She wears a silver ring with SINGLE engraved on it. Nice start to finding The One.

I was watching the original 1978 Don when a young Amitabh Bachchan’s collagen injected lips and Zeenat Aman’s pointy bras (why did women in the 70s think that boobs were supposed to be conical?) got to me and I switched channels to end up on Sally’s show where the first thing I heard was, “If you want a husband, don’t sleep with a man on the first date, or the second or the third.” (How about fixing the hymen instead so that each prospective husband-material thinks you’re a virgin, eh?)

Then the various date gurus go on to tell Sally that she should be “demure” with her dates and not be hyperactive. Then she was advised to keep the first date a coffee-date and not a drinking one and if at all there was to be drinking to keep it to two glasses of champagne. “Remember, less is more” advised the guru. Funnily enough the same dating guru who had so far advocated ‘demure’ advised Sally to be sassy and bold with her online profile, even if it meant fabricating stuff.

As an example the dating guru said how her profile said she liked wearing men’s shirts (how chweet no?) and at the same time was open for a threesome. Sally’s response was a shocked, “But that’s not true…” The dating guru responded with a quick, “How do you know?” Basically Sally is an honest person while the dating guru is a fraud. And that’s what finding a husband is all about isn’t it? Making a/the guy believe he is getting himself a wife while you hide your true self – could be hideous, hyperactive, bold, fun-loving, smart, witty, whatever – behind this mask of what is supposed to be Acceptable Behaviour for Marriageable Girls.

Of course that rule applies to women like Sally – and an increasing number of you girls out there – who are smart, sassy, independent, usually smarter than the dumb jocks around and DON’T want to settle for just anyone with a bit of flesh between his legs. Strangely there is no Acceptable Behaviour list for what makes a man ‘marriageable’. All it takes for a guy – even if he’s passably ‘good’ – to classify as marriage material is “He should want to marry”.

A guy can want sex on the first date because “He’s a man, men always want sex” and of course women’s hormones are only meant for the period, they don’t make us horny. A guy can drink on the first date because testosterone and caffeine don’t go together, do they? A guy doesn’t have to be ‘demure’ and can laugh loudly and crack the funnies because if a woman does that, frankly the man will be threatened by her wit. A guy can spill his drink, burp, fart and be a clumsy clod and everything is acceptable because of course his mommy cleaned up after him. But a woman doing any of that is not-marriage-material because honey, you are showing that you will not be the Perfect Wife. Because only women want marriage, right? Fuck you.

What if the woman does not want marriage? If a woman is quite happy NOT being a Mrs Somebody… Can the guys handle that? (She’d most probably be called a slut)

PS: Anyone out there who slept on the first date and is (still) married to/dating the person: Write in, even if anonymously. I REALLY want to prove this shit-myth wrong. Why should only a woman’s character be judged for sleeping on the first date?

PS2: IF there are men out there who don’t believe in a woman following a list of Acceptable Behaviour, don’t fucking fight with me and write in saying I am man-bashing; write in to show you DO exist: Apparently there are many really nice ladies single out there because they couldn’t be bothered marrying an arsehole.

Sleeping with the boss are you?

Office affairs are fast becoming the rule today and you really can't "blame" anyone for it. People are being thrown together, stress levels are increasing and with more offices becoming non-smoking zone, sex is perhaps the only stress buster. Some fall for their colleagues, others have a drunken shag after an office party and of course we have the 'triangle' situation where two people like each other and someone else is jealous. What really brings a twist to an office affair is when the said affair is between the boss and another, say, you.

How do you maintain a balance at work when you are sleeping with the boss? Do you feel bad if the 'boss' pulls you up for a mistake -- in his professional capacity -- or do dynamics change when there's more to your relationship than professionalism? How do other colleagues react to it? What happens if the boss is already in another relationship or has no intentions of getting into with you: Are you happy being just a shag? What happens when you realise that the boss might be shagging other women too? And what if the boss wants to sleep with you and you aren't too sure if you should?

I mean what is stupider: A woman who sleeps with the boss and feels "used" or a woman who sleeps with the boss expecting exponential gains and then cries foul when there are no gains? Is it prudent to sleep with your boss if there are gains to be achieved, or conversely if you think someone else might take up the offer and you might lose out? I've always had a problem with the casting-couch starlets/neophytes in various industries who first sleep to get ahead and then when things don't really go their way, they start crying. If you have to climb the ladder of success lying down, isn't better to be smarter and ENSURE you get the gains? Hmmm?

Confessions over Coffee: Series
"Should I sleep with my boss?" asked the voice, making one gulp some piping hot coffee. As one waited for the tongue to stop stinging, Friend continued, "My appraisals are due; and from the feelers Boss has been sending my way, I am hoping for a mediocre raise." Re-finding one's voice and tongue, one asked how a mediocre raise translated into sleeping the Boss.

"No, no, you are not getting it. If I respond to those feelers, the raise will be Really Good," Friend explained, "Boss constantly asks me to join him for drinks, messages late at night and has even added me as a friend on Orkut…am his only Orkut-friend in office," she said. One wondered how Boss could manage to be on a social networking site and not be friends with the rest of the office.

"No, no, he created the profile just to be friends with me," Friend elucidated, "No one knows about it, he goes by the name of Hot4U-something… I thought it was flattering and added him on as well." One quickly sipped some more coffee to avoid saying anything at all.

"Are you trying to chicken out of giving me advice?" Friend asked, as her cell phone rang off in the background. Friend put one on hold and answered the call… in one's ear. "That was Boss," Friend announced, "He was asking me out for a movie." One carefully suggested that movies were alwyas nice...

"It's at his place, he has some DVDs," Friend replied, "He thinks I should see more of European movies to get a better understanding of cinema." On asking what European movie her Boss had suggested, Friend replied, "Caligula." One chose sipping and silence again. "So do you think I should sleep with him?" Friend asked. One asked if sleeping with the Boss would get her a 100 per cent raise and a better designation as well.

"Don't be silly," Friend reprimanded one for thinking smart. One was wondering why Friend had bothered to ask at all…
"You see, he is married, might lead to complications later…" Friend announced. Shocked, one asked if she was expecting Hot4Her Boss to fall for her.
"Don't be silly," Friend scolded again, "Just that if I have to be guilty about sleeping with a married man, it might as well be really worth it."

One asked what makes it really worth it? Friend replied, "The CEO, he is married too and sends me feelers as well; so I am thinking…"

(Published March 23, 2007)

The Farce and the furious

I wasn’t planning on writing on sex, in fact was considering writing on growing up. Is it any coincidence that sex and our perceptions of it change as we ‘grow up’? Of course there are those for whom sex at 36 is what it was at 18: The you-like-it-you-lay-it for men and you-like-it-so-you-let-him-lay-you for women. At 36 (or even approaching-30 for that matter), it becomes you-like-it but cannot lay it because she’s someone else’s girlfriend/ wife… or your girlfriend/wife will not appreciate it. Or because by now you know that there is nothing called no-strings-attached sex. Whether in cash or kind, you will pay. There is of course the bit about decreasing stamina with age and thinking about going to work the next day. Or the maid ringing the door bell at the wrong times...

Anyway, I got thinking about sex because of Sam deBerito’s blog, interestingly titled, All Men Are Liars. Men can be so disarmingly honest about being liars. Just the other night, another I-can-get-any-woman-I-want friend declared, “I am a bastard, but I am an honest bastard, the girls know it.” Of course once the girl has been warned and she still asks for it, then she really is asking for it, isn’t it? By confessing about being a lying, cheating bastard, you have absolved yourself of all responsibility for that girl’s feelings. May she rest in peace. Honesty, when applied to bastards, is the best policy. So Lying Sam asks on his blog: Why do people have sex?

Why indeed? People definitely don’t look good when having sex: You sweat, grunt, distort your face into expressions you wouldn’t wear in public, your body contorts in ways to show off whatever fat you might have (there’s no way of sucking your gut in and having sex), you pant with your mouth open, generally look as if you have been punched in the face and the after effect is messy. So having sex because it makes you look good is definitely out.

The other day another friend sighed from the depths of her heart and announced, “Oh I need to have sex, haven’t in a long while. You know, it is a biological need.” Hmm. But nowhere is it said that ‘biological needs’ cannot be self-addressed. When self-help can guarantee an orgasm – as compared to say taking chances with a random someone – why don’t we all simply shag and stay happy? Why that need for another person to have sex with? Because it’s a conquest: We feel good with the numbers we sleep with? Or because you are not supposed to with someone and it’s forbidden? Or is it because sex leads to tenderness, hugs, caresses, lying in bed together etc?

Or simply because after a while we really don’t know what to do with another person? I mean, put a man and a woman together and after a bit of talking, watching TV together, drinking and hanging out with friends and other activities -- unless you are a couple making documentaries on gorillas or something -- there’s not much to do but to have sex. Sex is a solution for boredom. And since any activity with any one person can get boring… We then look for sex with other people?
PS: Same-sex sex? Disparity in availability of equal number of men-women or resulting men-women not liking each other.

Guilty is when guilty's caught

All of us, at some or the other time have been guilty of giving in to that one temptation. It could be that dress you bought, the new phone you spent money on and did not need, an extra teaspoon of sugar in your morning coffee or doing something that you know you shouldn't be doing. And yet, one wonders, if given the chance and the assurance that no one - or at least not the ones who could get you into trouble - will find out, would we all give into temptation... without the guilt? Is guilt about doing something you aren't supposed to or being caught out?

"I don't feel guilty about cheating on my man," typed Fiesty Friend from another city. " I mean I love him and all that but I cannot help sleeping around. Do you think it's wrong? But I just don't feel guilty!" she continued.
Her dilemma (or trilemma as the case might be) was quite unique. She had a secure relationship with her boyfriend who lived out of town while she was happily sleeping around with three other men, separately. Trying to understand her guilt-free situation, one asked if she were unhappy with her current man.
"No," she replied, "poor thing is very dedicated to me." One asked if the poor thing was perhaps bad in bed.
"No," she replied, "He keeps me satisfied." Since those were the two reasons one usually associates with infidelity - unless both partners actively encourage each other, in which case it is swapping and not cheating - one asked if there was a third motivation to cheat on a poor, dedicated, satisfactory man?
"I felt like it. And I think I will dump the boyfriend, I cannot handle the guilt of not feeling guilty when I sleep with other men."

It was the second glass of cold coffee when the call came. "What would you say if a guy had the most mind blowing sex with you each time, amazing conversations too and yet refuses to hug unless it leads to sex?" asked Jerk-Attractor Friend. One politely asked if she were perhaps paying for the sex and therefore the no-hug clause...?
"Are you mad?" she shrieked, understandably, "He hugs and kisses when we are at it... it's afterwards that he refuses to hug or show any signs of tenderness." One suggested that perhaps it was to do with the tender state of the dude's junior...
"No, no. He says he cannot hug me because he feels guilty about his ex, who he is STILL not over. But I don't understand, he doesn't feel guilty sleeping with me but is all guilty hugging me... What kind of guilt is that?"

(was written in May 2007)

100 per cent trust is bullshit.

“I miss your hugs, your kisses, the way you held me… I still miss you.”

Seema* (name changed) read and re-read the email open on the monitor before her. The words had been written to her boyfriend of a year-and-a-half, Rajiv*. Since the day the two of them started dating, Seema had been looking for proof, signs that Rajiv might be cheating on her. Now she believed, she finally had it.

Short of hiring a private detective, Seema has done everything possible to keep an eye on Rajiv. She constantly tracks his Facebook ‘wall’ and Orkut ‘scrapbook’: For the uninitiated in social networking etiquette, the wall and scrapbook are your personal message boards that unless specified, can generally be viewed by the public. If Rajiv added a new ‘friend’, Seema would check out the profile to see who it was; if it were a girl, Seema would spend sleepless nights wondering if Rajiv was having an affair.

When she could not find anything amiss on Facebook/ Orkut, Seema would take whatever possible chance to snoop on Rajiv’s mobile phone messages. Each time he left his phone unattended, Seema would quickly go through his message inbox, sent messages, drafts, call logs and recorded pictures to see who had called him, who he was text-ing and if there was anything suspicious in his mobile.

With a very bad relationship behind her – she had been dating a man who had cheated on her repeatedly – Seema was convinced that all men were cheats and that either Rajiv too was cheating on her or would soon do so… The more she did not find any proof, the more Seema was convinced that Rajiv was very good at hiding things from her.

Her hunt for proof intensified till one day she managed to hack into his email account and found the email mentioned above. Seema’s world crashed. She did not give Rajiv any chance to explain himself and despite his pleas that he had nothing to do with his ex-girlfriend sending him that message, Seema walked out on Rajiv.

Vimal and Piya had the perfect relationship: They looked good together, had good jobs, a large group of common friends and seemed to complement each other well, Vimal being silent and reserved while Piya was bubbly and gregarious. Initially, friends christened them the ‘Perfect Pair’ but gradually started noticing that things weren’t all fine with the twosome…

Vimal had a problem if Piya spoke to another man. He would often blame her for “making eyes” at other men whenever they went out together. If they were at a party, Vimal would constantly keep an eye on Piya trying to see if she was looking at another man. He didn’t like her association with her college male friends and he went ballistic if he ever ‘caught’ Piya talking to another man. Slowly, Vimal started having problems with Piya hanging out with her girlfriends as well because he was never sure if she was really with the girls or someone else…

Vimal too had a very bad experience in a former relationship. Based on his past, Vimal could not trust Piya and began blaming her of being a flirt. He felt that by constantly keeping Piya under surveillance, he would ensure their relationship would not suffer the same fate as his previous one. However, the Vimal-Piya relationship grew more and more strained by the day.

Before you read further, tell us what you think:
Did Seema do the right thing by dumping Rajiv?
Is it good to be constantly suspicious of your partner and snoop on them?
Can trust, once broken, be mended again?
If your partner constantly doubts you, how will you deal with it?
Read further: Trust once dead cannot be revived?

No blow, no show...

"Happy Women's Day," announced Friend as she walked in jauntily. Her mood belied her early morning mysterious message: 'Meet me, I have realized the Truth About Me.' One has always been intrigued by Truths that people discover after 28-or-so years of walking around thinking something else.

So far, all one has discovered is that hair loss, crow's feet and papery skin are truths no one can escape and that it irritates more when you see the Partner looking at your well-concealed bald patch. And here was Friend, who was at least four years younger than me; discovering truths.

Experience said that women usually discovered truths about themselves when they were either about to dump a guy or had recently discovered their guy was having an affair elsewhere. As one wondered if this self-discovery had anything to do with the new man Friend had recently started dating -- to get over another man -- and perhaps if she had finally found true love...

"I finally know what I want in my man," declared Friend, carefully sipping her Irish coffee, rattling off her list. "He has to earn more than me and be willing to spend it on me. He should make me laugh but not repeat the same jokes. He should take me shopping and let me shop for him as well. He should be a family man but should have his family living far away. He should be able to control me but let me wrap him around my little finger. He should be great in bed but should not insist on blow…" At that point one blew into one's creamy, cold latte and nearly choked on the cherry as well.

As one wondered if it wasn't rather selfish, wanting good-in-bed and no-blow in the same man, Friend interrupted, "Oh, I am also dumping Recent Boyfriend." One calculated that Recent Boyfriend had only been a month-recent and from memory, he was "as close to perfect" according to a then-in-love Friend. One also pointed out that from her list of what-I-want-in-a-man, Recent Boyfriend seemed to score in every way. As one repeated the list, Friend's face fell.
One wondered if the reason for breakup was perhaps the blow hot/cold issue…

"That's not it," said Friend, "Recent Boyfriend is almost everything I want, but…There is SOMETHING missing," replied Friend. One rattled off her entire list again and insisted there was nothing on the list that read 'Something'. Friend, now with a distant dreamy look in her eyes, said, "I know what I want in a man… it's that Something…"
And pray, what was that 'Something', one insisted.
"I don't know," replied Friend.
PS: We seek what we cannot get, and we get what we do not seek?

A lay in time saves the swine

Confessions over Coffee
And you always wondered HOW men find it SO easy to get over broken hearts (yours) and relationships?

I kept waiting for him to make up his mind... to dump me!" wailed Distraught Friend, recently broken up and wallowing in Lonely On Valentine's Day blues. With a force that threatened to break the cup, she beat the sugar and coffee into a frothy frenzy, "While I can't get him out of my mind, he's busy screwing around," she said, sobbing into the cup. As one wondered if the tears-adulterated-caffeine would still taste the same, Distraught Friend asked, "How is it that men can get-over someone easily while women take longer or can't?"

Indeed, one couldn't help but agree: All the how-could-he-do-this-to-me calls, why-did-it-have-to-end-like-this emails and I-can't-think-of-another-person situations involved women friends. Most male friends usually forget to update on their relationship status – recently started or recently dumped – till about a month later or so. Unless of course the relationship is either with something that comes on wheels or runs on electricity or can be kept in their pockets.

While pondering this man-woman difference in enthusiasm levels vis-a-vis relationships, one suggested ways to enable Friend to un-distraught herself. But the entire Find A New Direction exercise was proving futile: Scrabble was cruel, Solitaire was too literal, she didn't have a Need for Speed and salsa of course needed a dancing partner. After much cajoling-convincing, Friend finally agreed to the last suggestion: A blind date on Valentine's Evening.

One hoped things would turn out well... till Friend called, hours before the said date, clearly more distraught. "What should I wear? Should I dress-up or dress down? What if we don't have anything to talk about? What if he does not like where we go? What if he does not find me cute? What if I can't handle the idea of being interested in another man? What if he tries to kiss me and I start crying or something?" she rallied. The last question was particularly worrisome. Whether a blind date or otherwise, anything goes on the first date – even sex – but not crying! Anyone will tell you that most men are more scared of constant tears than instant commitment.

As one wondered anew on what makes it SO tough for women to get over relationships, Player Pal called to casually inform he had broken up yet again and was well on the road to recovery. Apparently he had found the perfect way to get over girlfriend(s) and it had nothing to do with emotional attachment, being patient or with waiting for love, etc. Player Pal scoffed at all that and said, "Why wait around when you can fuck around?" His mantra for getting over breakups? "Screw the brains out of other women to get a particular woman out of your brain."

PS: Sorry girls, if you have recently broken up or still getting over and wondering if He will be screwing around with other chicks, the answer is Yes, he will. The longer you think about it, the worse you will feel. And no, hiding indoors and taking yourself out of the social circuit will only be detrimental to your health. Get out, hit out, find your lay(s) and move on with life. Of course you COULD get lucky in love again; but are you willing to take that risk? There's no guarantee of returns you know...