I don't love you anymore.

It's a regular day. You two have been together for years, have built a house, a future, dreams together. You have your arguments and times you get irritated with each other, but overall, you'd say you are happy.

And then one fine day your partner -- husband, fiance, long-time girlfriend -- turns around says, "I don't love you anymore."
What will you do?
Pic = zazzy.com

UPDATE on 31/8/2009

Of the 10 early responses on this post, the common reactions to the questions above are:

1. Shock
2. Refusal to beg or self-pity
3. Hurt
4. Alimony, court, divorce
5. Be brave, move on

One response takes it as a sense of freedom; another is very cynical of the whole mushy-mushy thing says the declaration should not come as a shock. Waiting for more responses.

Up yours, sister.

Presumptions are the mother of all cock-ups.

No matter what country you are in, some things really don't change. Complete strangers don't think twice about asking personal questions. Or stupid questions. Most people we meet here know that I have moved to Australia with Partner. If they don't know, they are told so when Partner introduces me to them. This is also a country where living together without getting married is not unusual; people know what it means to "live" with someone. It means you are going to stay together. So I don't understand when people ask, "How long are you going to stay in Australia?" What does that mean?

What answers are people expecting? "As long as Partner keeps me?" "Till I don't find a better looking, richer man?" "As long as Partner does not decide to date a blonde, white girl?" Oh yes, I did try the date-white-girl version and the reply to that was, "Ah don't worry about that. You know (wink) 'Once you date black, you never go back'?" Really. Was that wink supposed to make me ignore that you made an ignorant, underhanded comment? Or ignore your stupidity? Because LOOK again. I am B.R.O.W.N. There is a huge difference; like four shades.

Or strangers you've only just been introduced to think it's their goddamn right to ask, "So when are you getting married?" Why? Are you paying my wedding bills? Are you giving me away? Am I in love with your f-king son? No? So shut up. Till recently, I have smiled at that question and answered with a, "Let's see" and walked away. However, it's getting difficult.

At a recent meeting with people, as is the meet-new-people routine, I am introduced to everyone. I understand that people will be curious. It is a different thing to hear about mixed couples and it is a totally different thing when someone you know starts dating a 100 % Indian girl ( as against born-brought-up-overseas Indian girl). I guess it is even MORE different/bizarre when said boy goes to work in India for two years and comes back with a girlfriend. (I wonder if I should have a "Made in India" tattoo)

Perhaps some people were expecting me to wear a sari, a bindi and break into a Bollywood song-dance routine every two minutes. Or sit cross-legged on the dinner table and eat with my fingers. Well, I DO enjoy sitting cross-legged on chairs -- my size allows me to do so -- but I can use cutlery very well (including chopsticks). Though honestly, I am still partial to eating with my fingers. I can even eat pasta with my fingers (learnt in Sikkim). Anyhoo. What I know is that this curiosity is harmless. I am dead certain that Partner will be even MORE stared at when he finally meets my family back in India. Knowing some of my relatives, I am quite sure some of them will also giggle or point at him and say "White man" and perhaps ask him to do some Shane Warne bowling actions...

ARGH, digressing, getting back to the story... So I am introduced to all new people and amongst them is this offensive woman who took it upon herself to just stare at my face. Not like surreptitious looking but outright staring. There was nothing curious or harmless about the stare. It was a "what-did-he-see-in-her" stare. And no, I was not imagining. I am very good with understanding looks and even better at reading vibes. Having had enough of her silent staring, I said a polite hello and walked off. Only to have to sit next to her again. Two mintues of me sitting next to her, she asks, "So, are you going to marry him (Partner)?" This question was even more bizarre than the when-are-you-marrying one. It irritated me and I said, "No I will not." Unfortunately, I played right into her hands. She responded with, "Ah. You must be one of those people from India who come here and then never go back."

No, I did not slap her. But it's making me angry again. The second incident happened in class yesterday. This chick said something on the lines of, "Marry him then divorce him" etc. I didn't say anything to her either. BUT the next time she does, I will ensure I screw political correctness in the bum. Enough.

PS 1: Before any of you say,"Don't worry about what other people say", "Learn to let things go" or "You have a bigger heart than them, move on" etc. I KNOW all that. While I respect all attempts/suggestions at positive thinking, at this moment, I do not give a bloody damn f-ck.

PS 2: Ranted at Partner. He heard, cocked his head, hugged me BIG, kissed my forehead and said, "It's ok for you to be angry as long as you remember I am not them; I love you." Sigh. He good man.
Toon courtesy: The Back Porch Studio

Cluck, cluck, cluck...

I don't clearly remember the first time I had that dream. I have not had it for a while now, but the details are clear.

A red jeep, open top, me driving it, thumping music playing but it's not too loud. I am driving down familiar mountain roads and I'm very happy. I am wearing denim dungarees, a red shirt and have a cap on my head. My hair, open and uncombed, is streaming behind me and I am smiling easily. On the passenger seat is a girl, about 4-years-old, wavy hair, open, hearty laughter and dressed exactly like me. Both of us love whatever music is playing and she keeps insisting on replaying her favourite song. I don't mind, I love her. She is my daughter. Most mischievous, most adorable, most treasured.

I have not had that dream in a while. Perhaps it's because I realise that reality and wishful thinking are two very different things. I am growing older; 30 in May.

I yearn. I know it does not scare me anymore, the idea that anything new or extra in my life, any added responsibilities will take me away from other cherished dreams. Or will hinder the way I have operated so far: decide on something and then bend whoever, whatever to my will. Get my way with a single-minded focus that is flexible enough to incorporate distractions. I won't say I don't care about my former dreams; just that now I know that the older me can fit those dreams in or around a child. I can wait for other dreams but I want my earlier dream in flesh.

I've always wondered about my parents and other parents like them. How can you just give up everything you are, were, wanted, for children? I have always doubted if I am going to be up to it. To change, modify, perhaps even let rest, all that I want to do, want to explore....when I have a child of my own. What if I would regret it later? What if I blame my child later? What if I am a bad mother? What if I cannot change and thereby harm my child?

I don't know what has changed; but I know it has changed. I don't even know when it started. I've always enjoyed cuddling other peoples' kids, have always managed a friendly rapport with toddlers and teenagers alike... Now when I see kids though, it's almost a violent reaction. I don't like holding other peoples' kids because it hurts. Because when I give the child back, I feel bereft. But how can I feel bereft when I have never had it? And what do I miss?

The nine months of pregnancy hurt, morning sickness hurts, the back hurts. Labour nearly kills. My mother had both my brother and me as caesarians. It has scarred her abdomen for life. Her stitches still hurt. After my brother she developed varicose veins. But she loves us! Why?

I've heard stories, first-hand, of how infants bite nipples and make them bleed. Of how breast-feeding is not as magical an experience as books make them out to be. Of how parents don't get sleep because babies wake up whenever they want to. How you have to constantly change smelly nappies, watch out for them, look after them. Oh hell. My parents still worry about me, which only means that once you have children, it never really ends.

I know all that. I yearn. And I get jealous, horrendously, inexplicicably envious of mothers as they happily, peacefully take their babies for walks in prams. It hurts somewhere inside - I don't understand where -- when I see babies snuggle into the necks of their mothers. Or when mothers on trains seem to have perfect conversations with a two-year-old. Nothing else seems to matter to them. And oh it hurts.

It doesn't matter... journalism, books, seeing the world, being independent.

And I fear. Desperately. I've always been a perfectionist. I hate not knowing, not being able to do something as best as I think it should be done. As long as it is possible to do it better, I will do it. And yet I am learning that not everything is in my hands. Two couples I know are trying hard, very hard, to have a baby. Endometriosis, in vitro, syringes, steroids, pain. But no child...

What if I don't have a child? What if I can't? I dread.

PS: Will it make me a lesser woman if I can't... It is no one else who will judge; but knowing myself, knowing my perfectionist nature... I don't know.

PS2: Poor Partner! He shudders. (lol)

Love, Sex and Lies: Surviving, Marriage

Today my parents completed 30 years of being together (32 if you count the two years of courtship) and to be very honest, it completely astounds me how they have managed to be together. Papa likes watching National Geographic, English movies and calls Hindi soap operas rona-dhona (weepies); Mamma watches soaps and loves Hindi movies. He was the most charming bachelor (think he was a player, never dared to ask so far, will do though!), a very good singer-dancer and an excellent public speaker. She was a beautiful girl, insecure, no talent for singing or dancing and a complete introvert. He had traveled a fair bit, had a sense of style, loved books and his English and had a sense of ‘class’. She had never been anywhere except her maternal home and Jabalpur, adored Rajesh Khanna, read only Denise Robins and Mills & Boon and spoke bad English.

They met at her grandma’s place, where he had come to visit another relative, slipped on a wet floor, she had laughed and he had been smitten. Despite their obvious differences, she refused to let anyone insult him – his family was known for their temper and he was short (5 feet 5”) – and he overruled his mother and refused to take any gifts from anyone. His mom wanted a carpet, a vehicle and what not, he refused to “accept” his bride in anything but “the sari she has on her body.” And that’s how he got her home. She got her Prince Charming but there was no kingdom. There was a baby on their first anniversary and at the meager salary Army officers got back then, they had to sell off whatever little jewellery she had. From having the most exotic and latest collection of colognes, the latest chart busters and a weakness for classic, expensive ties, he went to being happy with his quota of cigarettes, his rum and buying expensive dolls for his three-year-old.

As we grew up, she often complained about him not helping in the house, of being domineering and a tyrant. He in turn blamed her for being a nag, a party-pooper and for speaking “Mrs Pinto’s English.” She still cannot pronounce ‘statistics’ properly. Yet if he bought me my early books and read some of them, it was she who explained the meaning and encouraged me to participate in debates, dance competitions, speech contests… And they both stood proudly when we did well at school. The only times I have seen my parents kissing is when he would be going out-of-station; then too a chaste, gentle kiss on the mouth, with all attempts to NOT do it before the children. Hmm. I’ve never heard them exchange I-love-yous. Yet he completely broke down the one time she fell really ill. (Strangely, Ma’s never fallen ill! Touch wood) I was 14 and Ma was in the hospital and Papa had not shaved – blasphemy when you’re an officer – and had called me and said, “Mamma is ill, you’re the lady of the house, you have to help Papa, you know Papa is not too good with housekeeping.” That after he had refused to let me make tea because, “My daughter will not work in a kitchen,” from a man who needed his meal to be “proper”. After two days of washing dishes, I promptly fell ill (weak shit) and Mamma miraculously recovered. That was the only time I’ve seen her resting.

If I were to apply my Rules of Relationship Maintenance (as Partner calls them), their marriage should not have lasted. It has. Can I do the same, make a relationship last? Can you? Can we?

This is a cover-story I had done for What’s Hot, a Friday-pullout published for The Times of India; used to be their features editor then. Perhaps I'd do the article somewhat differently today... A two-years-old article (first published August 25, 2006), the questions still remain…

Age old marriage, same old questions

Armed truce? Loving someone else? Money? Kids? Jhoomur Bose finds out the little things creating big problems in marriages today

Infidelity is the flavour of the season. If the column space, film reel and talk time given to the phenomenon are anything to go by. Blame it on Shah Rukh Khan and Karan Johar for showing the ‘reel’ face of Indian marriage where couples fall in love with someone else and go looking for happiness outside marriage (Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna). But is that really the case? Are we ready to leave our partners for that elusive soul mate who might be waiting somewhere? Or are we looking for the love we thought we would find in marriage, but didn’t?

What’s Hot conducted a survey and asked 200 married people to find out if they would break their marriages for love—outside marriage. A whopping 73 per cent said they would NOT leave their partners for another. This is where it gets interesting. On the one hand, most say they will not leave their spouses. So if couples today are not leaving each other, does that mean Marriage has survived? Experts tell us that it might just have, but with a new set of problems and a new set of understandings. Marriage today means...

THE SURVEY

Is love with someone else possible when one is already married?

Yes: 73% No: 27%

If love happens outside marriage, should one leave the current

partner? No: 70% Yes: 18% Unsure: 12%

If a married friend leaves his/her spouse, will you be okay with it?

Yes: 72% No: 28%

If your partner falls in love with someone else, how will you react?

Will let them go: 57%, Will hurt, but will stay: 26%, Will have no issues: 10%, No issues if platonic: 7%


TOO MUCH, TOO SOON

“And they lived happily ever after” is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It’s tragic because it’s a falsehood. It is a myth that has led generations to expect something from marriage that is not possible.” — Joshua Liebman, author

Expectations. The one word that usually sounds the death knell for innumerable marriages. The expectation usually comes with a ‘high’ attached to it and also with varying stages of ‘unpreparedness’ for marriage. Says Sanjeeta, clinical psychologist, St. Stephens Hospital, “Readiness to marry is very important when two people tie the knot. However, that does not happen. People today plunge into marriages with a lot of unreal expectations, when they are not even prepared for marriage and have no clue of what marriage entails. Disillusionment is inevitable.”

Take Ruth and David,* who were college sweethearts. However, once they were married, love flew out of the window as soon as they were confronted with the mundane tasks of life. While Ruth had been the princess of her house and hadn’t ever lifted a finger, David too had been a pampered child and was expecting his wife to look after him like his mother did. Result? Ruth felt inadequate, she couldn’t “live up to his expectations.”

Sanjeeta points out that it’s not the major flare-ups that cause problems in marriages, but the smaller, seemingly trifling issues. “When both parties realise that marriage is not a bed of roses, when reality hits home, the men turn alcoholic, even violent, and the women go into depression.” Tarot reader Poonam Sethi, spiritual guru Yogi Ashwani or Sanjeeta, ask any expert and they tell you of many, many couples who come to them seeking relationship solutions. “Don’t look at marriage as a key to the perfect life you’ve always aspired for,” advises Yogi Ashwani of Dhyan Foundation. Sanjeeta feels the same, “People want their partners to be everything they dreamt of. You have to realise that your husband or your wife cannot give you all the happiness you want, in the sense that they cannot be everything for you.” Have expectations but do keep them real—your partner’s human too.

BAGGAGE: WOULDN’T WORK

“If I did not succeed in marriage, how will my daughter succeed?” — Filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt on his then-unmarried daughter Pooja

Thankfully though, neither her father’s failed marriages nor his optimism about her failure in the marital arena daunted Pooja when she married Manish Makhija. However, neural wave therapist and counsellor Ranjeev Malhotra will tell you that it’s not as easy to get away from the influence of parents. “People are insecure, even afraid of marriage. From what we see of our parents and things that happen with other couples, people come with preconceived notions about marriage. When we see a marriage or relationship failing before us, a context is created. Later when something similar happens in our marriage, we see things in the context of the past and not in the context of current events. People don’t do a reality check and believe that marriages are like this—that they’re meant to be broken.”

Dr Samir Parikh, clinical psychologist, Max Medicare, calls it the “desensitisation and disinhibition” of people. “Earlier there were certain social deterrents when it came to maintaining a marriage. However, with divorces rising, infidelity increasing and because of things you hear and see around you, those very deterrents are being pushed back. People end up thinking, ‘When everyone else is doing it, let me do it too.’” And he’s right. Payal, 34 and mother of two, justifies her affair with a younger colleague. “Look around and show me one happy marriage. It’s been happening for a while. So what if couples are breaking apart or sleeping around to remain married? Everyone is doing it—and as long as my marriage is intact, who really cares?”

Maintaining conjugal bliss is all about giving each other a break and not getting hassled about what’s happening with other marriages. As Ranjeev says, “Our upbringing, the relationship our parents shared, the marriages of our friends—all factors affect our view of marriage.” However, just because your friend’s marriage ended doesn’t mean yours will too. As Poonam says, “The smart ones stick on. The emotional fools wreck their marriages.”

(*Some names changed on request)

BASTARD MEN, CLINGY WOMEN

“The conventional Indian man is taking his shower when the conventional Indian woman —his wife—is having her orgasm.” —Dr Jitendra Nagpal, on how sexual incompatibility creates problems

If parents and society leave a mark on the way we perceive marriage, preconceived notions about men, women, relationships also play roles. Ranjeev adds, “Most men and women carry certain tainted opinions about the other sex and most of the time we are busy trying to prove how the marriage will not work out. If the women think all men are bastards, the men think all women are clingy. What happens next is that the man thinks his wife is trying to ‘cage’ him and
starts staying late at work, staying away from home and suddenly develops a need for more friends to avoid her. Understandably, the woman feels ignored, rejected, taken for granted and thinks all men are bastards. She starts being too clingy, too questioning and tries to hold on to the man even tighter thus proving his point that women are clingy. It’s a vicious cycle.” For Sanjeeta, it all boils down to space and mutual respect. “It is always a good idea to keep some amount of formality in a marriage. The moment you stop respecting the other’s personal boundaries, your marriage begins going downhill.”

CASH: YOURS, MINE OR OURS?
Earlier, things were simple in a marriage: hubby went out to earn, wife stayed home. This cozy scene was spoilt once women started earning. Jitendra Nagpal, marriage counsellor and consultant psychiatrist at VIMHANS, explains, “The male has always been head of the family in the patriarchal set-up. Trouble starts when, even with changing equations and women working, we are hypocritical and would like to believe that the man is STILL the only head of the family.” Dr Vasantha R Patri says that the problem arises because a large number of married women do not have control over their own money as it’s still the husband who decides how the money is spent.

LET’S GO FISHING

“Couples are placing less premium on commitment and are constantly confused.” — Dr Sanjeeta Prasad

“When you get into a marriage, you need to give your 100 per cent to it. However, given the socio-cultural changes we are undergoing today, an increasing number of young couples feel there are ‘more fish in the ocean’. Where if one partner does not work out, we move on to another, and another... But are these couples sure where their search for Mr/Ms Right will end? The whole attitude of ‘hua to hua, nahi to nahi’ won’t get us anywhere,” says Sanjeeta. Vasantha feels today women are fishing too. “Looking for love, sex and companionship outside marriage is nothing new to us. Look at the zamindars and maharajas. Today it’s different because the women want it too. Earlier they kept quiet, today women will have their fun too and will stay in a marriage for other benefits, not just the husband’s love or loyalty.”


WHOSE WORK IS IT ANYWAY?

“In the last 25 years, with access to higher education and more such opportunities, women have moved on to a more liberated attitude. However, most men are still frozen in time, 30 years ago. Among working couples, while both bring in a good pay packet, it is still the woman who has to do the housework,” says Vasantha. Ranjeev feels the man-woman relationship, particularly marriage, has also changed into a companionable human relationship of two individuals who share equal power. “It’s companionship that women are asking for, which the male is slowly adjusting to. Women want a partner, not a husband,” he adds. But do the men understand this?

For Jitendra, ‘division of labour’ has yet another connotation in the modern marriage. “The onus of understanding this social change has come to lie only on the woman. The responsibility of sustaining the new dynamics in a relationship is also on her, which adds to her pressures.” He adds, “When a couple comes for counselling, it’s funny to see them. Both parties would wait for the other to start speaking first, or one would ask the other to put his/her grievance first, or one would like to talk separately and not in front of the spouse. As a professional, there are many times when I can see that the couples themselves are confused and wondering—Where did we go wrong?”

Changing equations, both working to make the relationship work, understanding undercurrents or letting each other be—what do we do to rejuvenate our marriages into really fulfilling relationships? Jitendra’s take is that it will happen only when the men catch up with the women, who’ve zoomed far ahead. “All that the women need to do is be patient, particularly when it comes to men. As the Irish song goes, it is good to remember your husband at the end of the day is “just a man’.”

Right. But what about “just a woman”? Isn’t this placing the onus back on women?

Meet Love's Enemy No. 1 OR Papa versus Pyar

Pyar = Hindi word for love; and for those wondering, the chick in the pic is not Pinkiji but the beautiful Madhubala (long gone though), one of Hindi cinema's most beautiful actresses.

Indian Culture Rule 3: Broad-minded parents send their children to co-ed schools but prefer if boys and girls don't talk to each other. Education is to make the children think but parents prefer to think for their children. Of course that’s a generalization and perhaps unfair too, but only if we were to restrict that generalization to that little percentage called ‘urban India’. For most of India, the decision of the parents is not just sacrosanct it’s also unthinkable to not listen to your parents and perhaps have an independent view. Is listening to your parents necessarily wrong? Not at all since given their experience parents can usually be counted upon to give the right advice, suggest the better of two paths and generally think for the benefit of their children. However, when children and parents grow in different directions – something that is commonly happening in a lot of Indian families – parental advise might not always be right or for the benefit of the parties involved. I have written much on the issue above when we discussed arranged marriage, child abuse and even the Rizwanur Rehman murder. Wont say much here except present to you the current situation in the Mishra household… not good I say and the wily old man is blaming it all on yours truly!

Mishraji’s Musings 2. Meet love’s Enermy No. 1

The mood in the Mishra household has been somber for the last two days. For those who missed the earlier post (Kamasutra, Krishna and cultural crisis), Mishraji's 19-year-old daughter - Pinki ji - declared she was in love with a 'Sam'. Now most would know that 'Sam' is a non-Hindu name unless you are US/UK-returned or are called 'Saminder'. Both those options don't appeal to Mishraji. Firstly, he would not expect his daughter to fall in love and if at all she were to entertain 'such' ideas, he would prefer her emotions to be inclined towards some 'Shyam', preferably Hindu and vegetarian.

So the mood in the Mishra household has been somber for the last two days... At least till Mishraji leaves for work. Once he steps out of the house and one can hear his scooter turn the colony gate – he refuses to get the silencer fixed – two distinct sounds can be heard from the Mishra home. If on one hand there are rebellious Hindi movie songs playing – the pyar kiya to darna kya (what's to fear, when your love's here!) variety – the other would be Mrs Mishraji frequently screaming out her daughter's name, trying to compete with the blaring love songs. If at all the songs stop, Pinkiji can be heard bawling with frequent "Oh Sams!"Each time Pinkiji says "Saaaam", Mrs Mishraji responds with, "Have some shame. If your father hears you taking THAT name, hell will break loose and you will still be locked up. Oh why did you do it Pinki?"

Mishraji is really angry. He doesn't care if Pinkiji does not complete her three years of college - she is in second year - but he will not have "some Sam" near his daughter. Pinkiji has been grounded and despite her being a rather spirited girl, one doesn't think she has tried to run away from home again. Since the last interaction with the patriarch - where Mishraji accused one of putting ideas into his daughter’s head - yours truly has been in hiding. This morning as one discussed increasing water problems in the colony with nosy Mrs Kohli who knows everything about everyone – she is retired Colonel Kohli's wife, more about them later – Mishraji came out of his house.

It was too late for one to duck behind the boundary wall. He glared, one smiled back politely. "Don't smile madam," he wagged an angry finger. One stopped immediately. "Because of you and your media and all these promoting-love and all that, my daughter is behaving like some love-crazed hippie. I will not allow it." One was thinking of a response to that when Mrs Kohli decided to speak up instead.

"Ajji Mishraji, in today's world, be broad minded. Children are very smart today, they know what they're doing," she said and was about to launch into a story – Mrs Kohli always has a story to support another story – Mishraji responded with more fervour than one thought him capable of. "Mrs Kohliji, I know all about broad minded. My daughter studies with boys, wears jeans, does not cook and listens to songs that say hips don't lie. My son listens to gangsters who talk bad poetry and call it music. I am broadminded. But if you think broadminded means allowing a 19-year-old girl to be fooled by some crook who comes from a background completely different from hers... I will not let it happen. You kindly keep your nose out, Media Madam here is enough for that."

One was stunned (one hadn’t done a thing!) while an offended Mrs Kohli responded, "But you are not allowing your daughter to go anywhere, that's broad-minded?"
Mishraji scowled a very scary scowl and said, "Mrs Kohliji. IF my daughter was in a state of mind to listen to sense, I would talk to her. Till such time she does not get that sense to discuss things with her father, she stays inside. I would also appreciate you minding your own business, thank you. I have seen what happened to other daughters who had broadminded parents." Mishraji started walking away.

An even-more stunned Mrs Kohli replied, "You will not talk about my daughter like that. You don't know her," she said gritting her teeth.
"Exactly. You don't know my daughter, me or my family either," replied Mishraji without looking back, "I don't know your daughter, but I know I don't what THAT future for mine." Mrs Kohli's oldest daughter was married to an NRI and is now a divorcee; and divorce in India is a taboo topic…(To be continued)

Men don't want virgins and women lie about sex...

Much has happened in terms of sexual liberation for women in the 21st century: Cleavage competed with koala bears and gave chick magazines more shelf-space than a Readers’ Digest or National Geographic, Aung Su Kyi was forgotten while Carrie Bradshaw’s stiletto-ed serial man-changing became the beacon for new womanhood and Coupling showed where the modern relationship was going with a boyfriend watching his girlfriend’s with-ex-sex video to see if she did things any differently ‘back then’…

For long feminists have screamed hoarse about men’s double standards when it comes to sex: How men have a different set of rules for themselves and another book for women, how a man who’s had many women is a ‘stud’ while a girl who gives up her hymen before she marries the Right One is a ‘slut’ and how a man will gladly sleep with a woman with prior sexual experience but will look at a virgin when it comes to marriage. If latest surveys are to be believed, it seems the feminists have still much longer to cry: Sexually experienced women might be seen as liberated and ‘sexier’ but they are also seen as scarier!

The latest Kinsey Institute study (published April issue of Archives of Sexual Behaviour) suggests that while younger men feel threatened by sexually experienced women the older men find them desirable and arousing. But that was the result when the men were asked about the kind of women/woman they like to have sex with, would the results be any different if the research was on the kind of wife a man looked for? Given pre-marital sex is still frowned upon in India and arranged marriages are the norm for the majority, one wondered about the results in an Indian context…

In a survey of 25 people – 13 women, 12 men, single, all working in industries that demand close man-woman interaction and all of whom have equal opportunities when it comes to meeting and mating with the opposite sex – the answers one received were startling. For one, most of the women polled DEMANDED their men have prior sexual experience…

The orgasm is my birthright
The first question was common to both men and women: Would you like your partner to be sexually experienced?

Of the women polled, 69 % want their men with prior sexual experience, 23 % didn’t mind someone without experience and only 8 % insisted on their man being a virgin. For all the newfound sexual forthrightness of women, men are still supposed to take the lead when it comes to bedroom antics. Women, irrespective of their having prior experience or not, would rather have a man who is not a virgin. Why? “I am looking for a boyfriend/ husband and not a child who needs to know stories about bees and birds,” says one 25-year-old feisty woman. For another it does not matter if he has any experience “as long as he is attentive”. Someone who knows the moves and someone who is attentive: From holding on to their ‘virtue’ for the Right One, the focus for the girls seems to have shifted to ‘what’ the Right One does for them. In other words, the pressure is on the man to keep the woman happy.

The pressure’s showing on the men as well and it’s perhaps no surprise that the younger lot is ‘scared’ of demanding, sexually experienced women. If on one hand there is performance anxiety about being compared to past lovers, there is now the added pressure of even inexperienced women having high magazine-propagated expectations of a man’s bedroom prowess. Despite men being considered sexually hypocritical when it comes to the marriage market – and wanting to marry virgins – the men polled were quite open-minded towards women with prior sexual experience. While 54 % men were happy with their partner whether a virgin or not, 46 % insisted on preferring women with prior experience: A case of the stereotype of what men consider ‘ideal wife material’ changing or simply a case of the men giving politically correct answers? Further probing revealed it could well be the latter, but with both men and women being equally hypocritical…

Heard about too much experience?
The second question, though fundamentally the same, was tweaked a bit for the guys and girls keeping in mind the assumption that men are considered more sexually active than women. The men were asked if they were okay with their partner having slept with three men (or more) while the women were asked the same but with their partners having slept with eight or more women.

Despite majority of the men and women saying they were okay with the idea of a sexually experienced partner, the limit to what each group considered ‘experienced’ differed. A whopping 76 % of the men polled said while they were okay with their partner’s prior experience though they’d rather not know details or numbers. Only 14 % said they would be bothered if their girlfriend/partner had had sex with more than three men.

Compared to the men, only 23 % of the women polled were comfortable with their husband/partner having had multiple sexual encounters while 73 % said they would be decidedly uncomfortable if their man had “slept with the whole world”. Even the women who said they were okay with their man having had multiple partners were comfortable “only if he was in relationships with those women and not just one night stands.” Some women however felt “More than six or eight intimate relationship in case of a man mostly suggests he treats women as play things, has no integrity and is absolutely unstable”. Can the same then be said about women who have had relationships with three or more men? Not so, declare the girls and insist women cannot be ‘judged’ on the same terms because women would have multiple partners only when “forced to” or when past relationships didn’t work out. Somehow that does not quite gel and sounds like women resorting to the same double standards they have hitherto accused the men of…

Let sleeping dogs ‘lie’…
Finally both men and women were asked if they would be forthcoming in talking about their past relationships with their partners. The answers were far from comfortable…

For long magazines and feminists alike have demanded that when it comes to sex, men and women should be judged equally. ‘If a man can sleep around so can a girl’ be the cry for equality. Women today seem to be doing exactly what the men were earlier accused of and getting away with it in the name of bridging the gender divide. For instance, in a scene from Devil Wears Prada, Anne Hathaway’s character has a one-night stand with a colleague when she is on a break-up-to-think-things-over with her boyfriend. Had it been a man in a similar situation he would have been labeled a slime ball and an opportunist who didn’t waste time in sleeping with another woman. Since it was a girl though the situation was deemed as her “finding her own footing” and giving men a taste of their own medicine. Equality or reversed hypocrisy again?

When asked about discussing past relationships, 76 % of the men polled said they would be completely honest with their partner, though a majority said, “only when she asked for it”. Only 15 % said they would “downplay” the number of partners but mostly only if their partner was inexperienced. Again for the men, they did not have many hang ups about their partner’s past life as long as they were told about it and did not “find out after marriage” according to one and as long as “she did not keep bringing up her past”. For the women though, they were more curious about their partner’s past life and more forthcoming in volunteering information about their own… with a clandestine twist.

Of the women polled, 31 % said they will be happy to talk about their past relationships while 69 % said, “Only after editing bits here and there”. While most women seemed okay with discussing heartbreaks, almost all – barring those who have had no sexual experience – were hesitant about discussing numbers with their partners. If relationships are built on trust, does it not tantamount to lying? The girls don’t think so, as one 25-year-old put it, “Never about past experiences. I did it once and it was always brought up every time something went wrong. The number of men should not matter, everyone has a past and it’s not something you can change.” However, it’s not about the unchangeable past that has women “editing” details. As one woman put it, “In my experience guys don't usually want to hear about it.”

So while women seem to be marching towards more sexual freedom and demanding their men come with a “has done it” certificate, they would withhold information about their own experience. If earlier a man with multiple sexual partners was considered a ‘player’ and someone to be “scared of”, the Kinsey Institute study suggests that men are equally scared of “player” women. One wonders then, are we really breaking stereotypes and making ‘progress’ or is it a case of the entire sexual double standard and gender divide reversing, with women now becoming the new men?

PS: Would love to know your views on the above, do write in!

Quick note from Melbourne

Pic = St Arnaud, town hall

Hello Everyone,
Apologies for the silence, have been travelling and while I've taken copious notes, haven't really had the opportunity to sit down and put out a post. This is being written from Melbourne, Australia while Partner has gone down to meet his new office people. It was a better idea sitting out here and typing than entering every second store with a sale on and blowing money. Sigh, I can be SUCH a woman at times.

For those who know and those who don't, this is my virgin foray outside India and while I am superstitious about discussing plans before there is a finality to them, I can perhaps say that this won't definitely be the only one. Unless I cop it or something. It's like I've tasted blood. It's like I am craving for more. It's like suddenly, literally, 'clichedly', the entire world is open to me. Of course THAT would require shit loads of money and I don't have any... BUT. I will have money. I need to have money. Money makes the world go round. It can't buy you love - perhaps - but it can bloody well ensure you get to travel a lot.

My first trip outside India included a 4-day stay in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and then another 5 days in Australia. Am gonna be here in Melbourne till May 13th and then drive down to a farm in this village called St. Arnaud (Partner's home town). We were in KL for Partner's cousin's wedding -- an Aussie bloke marrying a very beautiful Malaysian-Indian girl -- and it was super. I have been bloody lucky and both God and Partner have been kind. While perhaps a non-moneyed person's first trip usually involves back-packing and the lot, I'm getting to holiday in luxury. We stayed at a five-star in KL - called Renaissance, faces the Two Towers -- then moved to this resort (called Cyberview) in KL's cyber city (called Cyberjaya), which was opulence all the way. In Melbourne we are staying at Partner's aunt's place and will move to his parents' place in the weekend.

I've never been one to run after money and have been happy earning just about enough that keeps me going. HOWEVER, I am beginning to realise that wanting money does not always have to equate with greed. Money opens doors, money provides a comfortable holiday, hell money makes a holiday possible, money lets you take a break and money lets you buy gifts for your family back home. I've neither been greedy nor materialistic... But my perspective on money is changing. For one, I am beginning to admire it more. I don't necessarily believe in getting it by whatever means, but yes, I am going to lose my hitherto live-on-what-you-have attitude and strive to earn it, earnestly. I've always wanted to do and achieve a whole lot of things -- both for me and those around -- and perhaps money will be the way to get those done.... Hmm, interesting development the way I see it. Let's see where it takes me.

As I said earlier in the post, have taken copious notes and will write those down as posts. Till then, let me get out of here -- my sense of dollar conversion to rupee sucks and I NEED to understand that 5 AUD and Rs 5 DON'T mean the same thing since am still earning in Rupees -- so before I blow the change in my pocket here.... More later!!!
PS: I LOVE Melbourne. No one stares, NO one.

Cows, klutz and convenience: Superstar, India?

"India has earned superstar status", reads the intro on the Facebook group homepage for Shobhaa De's new book, Superstar India.

Even before I read the book -- though I've got two reviews on it from people and they suggest one should read it -- I am a little skeptical if it will indeed be any different from the other books on India; books that usually get stuck trying to define our country. If I was to ask you, WHAT does India stand for (and by extension, Indians), what would be your answer?

Australia means aggression, America means attempts at world domination, China means doing better at world domination than America, Japan means economic progress and bad housing, Sri Lanka means good sportsmen and Tamil Tigers... and India? Don't say illegal immigrants because we get our fair share of people coming into India too. And no, it’s not just Bangladeshis or Nepalese. We have enough people coming in from so-called developed countries, entering India on tourist visas and working and earning more than your Bangladeshi housemaid or Nepalese driver does. Why? Because our visa laws are far softer on people and what they do once they are IN India. Perhaps it’s high time India got a bit selective about who she lets inside her borders as well?

One of my earliest memories of understanding what India meant to those “abroad” was the Peter Sellers movie, The Party. He plays a “klutzy Indian movie star” who doesn’t even know how to flush. Funny that Amitabh Bachchan should be voted the Star of the Millennium by none other than BBC. Talk to anyone about anything related to marriage and the first thing almost everyone asks is, “Why do people agree to arranged marriages?” Hell why not, at least we won’t be like Japan where single people are committing suicide out of loneliness and depression. And why is it SO hard to see arranged marriages as a way of creating an opportunity for like-minded people to meet, who otherwise perhaps wouldn’t have met? Yes, it has become a way of forcing alliances too, but it’s about people misusing the format rather than there being anything wrong with arranged marriage per se.

“I haven’t seen many Indian girls hanging out with their male friends,” said a French lady I met recently. She lives in Vrindavan and I am not surprised. But then, do girls in rural France go boogieing at discotheques? Aren’t they supposed to be drinking pastis and managing roadside motels? “How do Indian girls have fun, I have not seen many drinking,” said another. Maybe that’s the reason why the stats for alcoholic (depressive and suicidal) women are less in India? “All Indian girls older than 24 get married and constantly talk about babies. Their lives revolve around babies,” says a non-Indian friend.

What’s wrong with a mother’s life revolving around her babies? I can say for sure that I am REALLY glad my mother lived for us (else I would be more of an attention-seeking freak than I already am). Partner’s mother too focused her life on her babies and damn, I am bloody glad of the man she made her son into. They are not Indians. I also know of other Indian mothers who manage to focus on their babies and think about and do a whole lot of things as well. Mothers focus on their children and it’s irrespective of being Indian or otherwise. And why the hell does a mother’s interest and her children have to be a conflict of interest anyway?

Anyway. I could go on and on, but if I had to find one word – before I find a better one – that explains India and Indians, it would have to be ADAPTABLE. We change, we modify, we adopt, we adapt and we are fucking good at making things work for us.

PS: Here is the promo for the show, have a look. If the video does not work, click on THIS. (Working on embedding video here, till then check the link)

Glamour Bazaar India

F**k You TV and How to Find A Husband

There was a reason why for the last 8 years I did not have a TV at home, watching television depresses me. The TV and everything on it is designed to make you feel really bad about yourself, one way or the other.

Like the ads that show women with lustrous, beautiful hair that bounce more than their boobs do when they walk or run. (Majority hair ads have women playing, jumping, running, why?) Or ads where men are ALWAYS gifting expensive jewellery to their girls and looking happy about it, ads where Papas have loads of time to sit and chill with the family or ads that show how women with pimples/acne don’t get boyfriends. Or stupider TV shows…

I just got up after watching this series on Discovery Travel & Living called, How To Find A Husband (also shown on UKTV). It’s a pre-recorded show about Sally Gray (reporter and TV presenter for last 15 years) who dates 50 men in 10 weeks to find herself a husband. The promo for the show goes, “I am 37 and still single. There is nothing wrong with being single…but now I want a husband…blah…and I don’t want to be stuck wearing this fucking SINGLE ring for the rest of my life.” She wears a silver ring with SINGLE engraved on it. Nice start to finding The One.

I was watching the original 1978 Don when a young Amitabh Bachchan’s collagen injected lips and Zeenat Aman’s pointy bras (why did women in the 70s think that boobs were supposed to be conical?) got to me and I switched channels to end up on Sally’s show where the first thing I heard was, “If you want a husband, don’t sleep with a man on the first date, or the second or the third.” (How about fixing the hymen instead so that each prospective husband-material thinks you’re a virgin, eh?)

Then the various date gurus go on to tell Sally that she should be “demure” with her dates and not be hyperactive. Then she was advised to keep the first date a coffee-date and not a drinking one and if at all there was to be drinking to keep it to two glasses of champagne. “Remember, less is more” advised the guru. Funnily enough the same dating guru who had so far advocated ‘demure’ advised Sally to be sassy and bold with her online profile, even if it meant fabricating stuff.

As an example the dating guru said how her profile said she liked wearing men’s shirts (how chweet no?) and at the same time was open for a threesome. Sally’s response was a shocked, “But that’s not true…” The dating guru responded with a quick, “How do you know?” Basically Sally is an honest person while the dating guru is a fraud. And that’s what finding a husband is all about isn’t it? Making a/the guy believe he is getting himself a wife while you hide your true self – could be hideous, hyperactive, bold, fun-loving, smart, witty, whatever – behind this mask of what is supposed to be Acceptable Behaviour for Marriageable Girls.

Of course that rule applies to women like Sally – and an increasing number of you girls out there – who are smart, sassy, independent, usually smarter than the dumb jocks around and DON’T want to settle for just anyone with a bit of flesh between his legs. Strangely there is no Acceptable Behaviour list for what makes a man ‘marriageable’. All it takes for a guy – even if he’s passably ‘good’ – to classify as marriage material is “He should want to marry”.

A guy can want sex on the first date because “He’s a man, men always want sex” and of course women’s hormones are only meant for the period, they don’t make us horny. A guy can drink on the first date because testosterone and caffeine don’t go together, do they? A guy doesn’t have to be ‘demure’ and can laugh loudly and crack the funnies because if a woman does that, frankly the man will be threatened by her wit. A guy can spill his drink, burp, fart and be a clumsy clod and everything is acceptable because of course his mommy cleaned up after him. But a woman doing any of that is not-marriage-material because honey, you are showing that you will not be the Perfect Wife. Because only women want marriage, right? Fuck you.

What if the woman does not want marriage? If a woman is quite happy NOT being a Mrs Somebody… Can the guys handle that? (She’d most probably be called a slut)

PS: Anyone out there who slept on the first date and is (still) married to/dating the person: Write in, even if anonymously. I REALLY want to prove this shit-myth wrong. Why should only a woman’s character be judged for sleeping on the first date?

PS2: IF there are men out there who don’t believe in a woman following a list of Acceptable Behaviour, don’t fucking fight with me and write in saying I am man-bashing; write in to show you DO exist: Apparently there are many really nice ladies single out there because they couldn’t be bothered marrying an arsehole.

Guilty is when guilty's caught

All of us, at some or the other time have been guilty of giving in to that one temptation. It could be that dress you bought, the new phone you spent money on and did not need, an extra teaspoon of sugar in your morning coffee or doing something that you know you shouldn't be doing. And yet, one wonders, if given the chance and the assurance that no one - or at least not the ones who could get you into trouble - will find out, would we all give into temptation... without the guilt? Is guilt about doing something you aren't supposed to or being caught out?

"I don't feel guilty about cheating on my man," typed Fiesty Friend from another city. " I mean I love him and all that but I cannot help sleeping around. Do you think it's wrong? But I just don't feel guilty!" she continued.
Her dilemma (or trilemma as the case might be) was quite unique. She had a secure relationship with her boyfriend who lived out of town while she was happily sleeping around with three other men, separately. Trying to understand her guilt-free situation, one asked if she were unhappy with her current man.
"No," she replied, "poor thing is very dedicated to me." One asked if the poor thing was perhaps bad in bed.
"No," she replied, "He keeps me satisfied." Since those were the two reasons one usually associates with infidelity - unless both partners actively encourage each other, in which case it is swapping and not cheating - one asked if there was a third motivation to cheat on a poor, dedicated, satisfactory man?
"I felt like it. And I think I will dump the boyfriend, I cannot handle the guilt of not feeling guilty when I sleep with other men."

It was the second glass of cold coffee when the call came. "What would you say if a guy had the most mind blowing sex with you each time, amazing conversations too and yet refuses to hug unless it leads to sex?" asked Jerk-Attractor Friend. One politely asked if she were perhaps paying for the sex and therefore the no-hug clause...?
"Are you mad?" she shrieked, understandably, "He hugs and kisses when we are at it... it's afterwards that he refuses to hug or show any signs of tenderness." One suggested that perhaps it was to do with the tender state of the dude's junior...
"No, no. He says he cannot hug me because he feels guilty about his ex, who he is STILL not over. But I don't understand, he doesn't feel guilty sleeping with me but is all guilty hugging me... What kind of guilt is that?"

(was written in May 2007)

100 per cent trust is bullshit.

“I miss your hugs, your kisses, the way you held me… I still miss you.”

Seema* (name changed) read and re-read the email open on the monitor before her. The words had been written to her boyfriend of a year-and-a-half, Rajiv*. Since the day the two of them started dating, Seema had been looking for proof, signs that Rajiv might be cheating on her. Now she believed, she finally had it.

Short of hiring a private detective, Seema has done everything possible to keep an eye on Rajiv. She constantly tracks his Facebook ‘wall’ and Orkut ‘scrapbook’: For the uninitiated in social networking etiquette, the wall and scrapbook are your personal message boards that unless specified, can generally be viewed by the public. If Rajiv added a new ‘friend’, Seema would check out the profile to see who it was; if it were a girl, Seema would spend sleepless nights wondering if Rajiv was having an affair.

When she could not find anything amiss on Facebook/ Orkut, Seema would take whatever possible chance to snoop on Rajiv’s mobile phone messages. Each time he left his phone unattended, Seema would quickly go through his message inbox, sent messages, drafts, call logs and recorded pictures to see who had called him, who he was text-ing and if there was anything suspicious in his mobile.

With a very bad relationship behind her – she had been dating a man who had cheated on her repeatedly – Seema was convinced that all men were cheats and that either Rajiv too was cheating on her or would soon do so… The more she did not find any proof, the more Seema was convinced that Rajiv was very good at hiding things from her.

Her hunt for proof intensified till one day she managed to hack into his email account and found the email mentioned above. Seema’s world crashed. She did not give Rajiv any chance to explain himself and despite his pleas that he had nothing to do with his ex-girlfriend sending him that message, Seema walked out on Rajiv.

Vimal and Piya had the perfect relationship: They looked good together, had good jobs, a large group of common friends and seemed to complement each other well, Vimal being silent and reserved while Piya was bubbly and gregarious. Initially, friends christened them the ‘Perfect Pair’ but gradually started noticing that things weren’t all fine with the twosome…

Vimal had a problem if Piya spoke to another man. He would often blame her for “making eyes” at other men whenever they went out together. If they were at a party, Vimal would constantly keep an eye on Piya trying to see if she was looking at another man. He didn’t like her association with her college male friends and he went ballistic if he ever ‘caught’ Piya talking to another man. Slowly, Vimal started having problems with Piya hanging out with her girlfriends as well because he was never sure if she was really with the girls or someone else…

Vimal too had a very bad experience in a former relationship. Based on his past, Vimal could not trust Piya and began blaming her of being a flirt. He felt that by constantly keeping Piya under surveillance, he would ensure their relationship would not suffer the same fate as his previous one. However, the Vimal-Piya relationship grew more and more strained by the day.

Before you read further, tell us what you think:
Did Seema do the right thing by dumping Rajiv?
Is it good to be constantly suspicious of your partner and snoop on them?
Can trust, once broken, be mended again?
If your partner constantly doubts you, how will you deal with it?
Read further: Trust once dead cannot be revived?

Non-veg Americans are bad for Indian health?

From: Help. My son is in love with a non-veg American

“Didi, when you cook chicken or mutton, please send some over as well… we love meat, but our grandmother does not allow it in the house,” piped in the children of a family one knows as we discussed favourite foods. Having lived around strict vegetarians – especially those who are vegetarians due to religious reasons – one knew that it could be a huge thing if the grandmother ever found out.

One wondered if the family considered the grandmother’s beliefs to be archaic… Perhaps they read one’s expressions because the kids’ mother piped in, “My husband and kids eat meat because they enjoy it, my mother-in-law completely believes it’s a sin. I am opposed to the idea of killing a creature and so I’m a vegetarian by choice. As for my children, we wanted them to make their own choice. My mother-in-law believes in ‘untouchability’ too, which is also part of her religious beliefs… Do I allow my children to follow that?”

That’s just one instance of age-old beliefs clashing with current-day choices. Recently a friend, who’s in love with a ‘white’ man, sent a panicked email, “He is meeting my parents… How should he address them? You know, they don’t call everyone uncle-aunty, they call people by their first names. If he addresses my father by his name, Papa won’t give him another chance; it will be over. What do I do?” she wrote. Her panic was justified.

Addressing elders by their first name has always been seen as a sign of disrespect in India. If we ‘Sir-ed’ seniors at work, we’ve had a name for every other relationship, be it mausi, maama, bhaiya, didi, uncle or aunty. And when confused about the right nomenclature, there is the ‘ji’ suffix to a person’s name. However, times are slowly changing and at least in corporate work environments, first names are the norm. My friend’s crisis was solved with her boyfriend sticking to addressing her father with ‘Sir’; the solution in other cases though, might not be as simple…

For those who’ve been following, the discussion has intensified on the issue of eloping and if that’s the only solution when faced with parental opposition. There have been myriad reactions from readers ranging from agreeing to our protagonists', Amit and Nisha's decision to those that say they'd rather wait a lifetime than elope with the one they love or marry someone else... The solution is as convoluted as the dilemma.

Recently a distressed, 55-year-old father wrote in from the United States. His son is in love with an American girl. The father doesn’t know what to do and writes thus: “Help me please. What if the boy (say Akash) lived with his Indian Gujarati Jain somewhat conservative parents in the U.S. and instead of Nisha the girl was Nancy, a white American? I am Akash's 55-year-old father living in a joint family with my parents. My traditional Gujarati Jain wife and I are okay with Akash marrying any vegetarian Indian girl. If that didn't happen, we would reluctantly agree to him marrying any vegetarian girl. But Nancy is not even vegetarian -- and does not even want to be...” (Continued here)
Next page >>> I'd rather he marry an Indian non-veg Muslim...

A real-life love story

After having written the feature on inter-caste marriages – ‘Inter-caste marriages: Is love wrong or parents right?’ – one realized it was not going to be an easy choice. Readers also got into a heated debate in the comments section of ibnlive.com .On one hand are the parents/family who have cared and loved you since birth and on the other hand is the future with the person you love and want to create a family with. Is it selfish to give up one family to make another? Are you letting your parents down?
With as little literary liberty as possible, this story is a real-life story, with names changed to protect identities. However, this feature does not promote or suggest that you do the same. Every situation and every family is different. Base your decisions and judgments on the facts at hand and be prepared for the repercussions. You might get a new family and you might never speak to your parents or current family again…

The Story
He (let’s call him Amit) had first seen Her (Nisha) in college, or they had seen each other, the details over the last 10 years have grown fuzzy. Amit remembers though that Nisha was wearing a salwar-kameez, nothing spectacular, except that she stood very straight and carried herself with a poise that usually befits someone older, not a 19-year-old. Neither of them was your textbook idea of good looking, yet both had an innate confidence. They were in the same class.

Their first conversation was in the college canteen, or so Amit recalls. Nisha says it was when he asked for her notes. Conversations were never tough as they could argue on almost any subject since their thoughts differed on every subject. Three years of college flew by and Amit got his first job in another city. Nisha decided to pursue a specialized course in graphic designing.

Another two years went by with emails, phone conversations and twice a year meeting when possible. It took a toll on both of them, but Amit and Nisha knew that their initial separation was nothing compared to the life of togetherness they hoped lay ahead for them. Both decided to talk to their respective parents. Amit’s parents had no problems with the marriage.

Nisha’s parents though… Amit spoke to her father and requested for her hand in marriage… and was summarily refused. Amit was a Punjabi, Nisha was a Jain. It was impossible. For a year they kept trying to talk to Nisha’s parents with no result. Then things went from bad to worse pretty quickly. Even as she was barred from meeting Amit, Nisha’s father started looking for a match. They found a pilot – good looking, earning well and from their caste – while Amit was just starting out in business in Mumbai; Nisha lived in a nearby city.

It was then that Amit decided to speak to the Pilot who had been ‘found’ for Nisha. The two men met at a coffee shop and Amit requested the Pilot to reject the proposal, narrating how he loved the girl and how Nisha reciprocated as well. The Pilot heard the story and then made his decision...
Read further: They did the unthinkable...

Marriage & mayhem: Love is wrong, parents are right?

Life and Marriage are similar in many ways. For one, there are no guarantees in either. Second, there are no fixed rules for living a good life or a ‘making’ a good marriage that applies to all people. Then there’s the bit about both life and marriages throwing up surprises. Sometimes, nasty ones. It started two weeks back with an email from a reader in the US and as one mulled over the contents a colleague announced, “Someone left a strange comment on one of the tech stories” and ‘pinged’ me the comment. It was disturbing.

“Hi, I am from Bangalore and have been in love with a girl from Mysore for the last two years. She is a Punjabi and her parents are forcefully trying to marry her off to another man. I spoke to her father about letting us marry; he has refused and threatens murder. She is ready to leave her family and marry me but we are scared: What if her father kills us?” Even as one thought of possible suggestions for the distraught couple, a recently heartbroken friend called.

“My parents have found a boy for me. I have not met him yet but have said yes. The wedding might take place in the next two months. There is too much pressure. I am 26, how long can I delay the inevitable?” she asked. One told her that while there was nothing wrong with an arranged marriage – we have umpteen examples of highly successful, happy arranged marriages around – agreeing to marry someone she had not even met seemed a bit drastic. “After having taken most of my ‘life’ decisions myself – and things blowing up in my face – perhaps I should let my parents decide for me? Perhaps they will make a better decision than me… No?”

Two faces of the same coin: On one hand, a case where the girl is ready to marry according to her parents wishes, hoping that in their infinite, adult wisdom, they would make the ‘right’ choice. On the other hand, a couple is scared for their lives because eerily enough, it’s parents who want to kill them.

Before you go further, you might want to read these two pieces (my blogs on ibnlive.com):
On the question of parents knowing best..and then CHOOSING to keep quiet:
Children of an Abused Nation

On the question of HONOUR-KILLINGS or killing because parents dont approve of boy/girl:
Did Papa murder Rizwanur Rehman?

Before you read further, tell me what you think:
1. When it comes to finding marriage partners: Do parents make the best choice for us?
2. What would you do if your child chose someone you didn’t approve of?
3. If your parents oppose your choice of husband/wife, what would you do?
4. Do you think ‘honour killing’ is justified?
Read further >>> They gave me life… But it’s MY life?

Do working wives mean more divorces?

Year 1990. I still remember the first day my mother stepped out of the house to work; we were all on the same school bus. With growing kids and growing inflation, her ‘job’ was more of a budgetary necessity than a shot at a ‘career’. Ma had given up any plans of a career when she married and had a baby in the first year of the marriage. Having tutored two kids at home – ages 8 and 13 – teaching came naturally to her and she joined the school we were studying in. However, there was another reason she took up teaching: It ensured she was back home early enough to complete her household chores. She was the consummate working mother of the late 90s. Since Dad was an Army officer, Ma changed jobs as frequently as we changed schools: Each time Dad was posted to another city. It never occurred to either of my parents that she would stay back in a city without my father. Today they have been happily married for 30 years.

Circa 2008. The scenario for the working wife/ mother has not changed much. Perhaps not everyone becomes a teacher today, but most women still keep ‘Family First’ as their mantra and do whatever is needed to keep the work-family balance. And going by latest research, increasingly, it is NOT an easy balance to maintain…

In a survey conducted on 425 ‘Two Career Couples’ across five cities – Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune and Hyderabad – TeamLease Services, India’s largest staffing company, found that two careers has bittersweet implications on marriages. Of the couples surveyed, 34 per cent felt that chances of a difference of opinion and divorce are higher with both partners working. The reasons for disagreement? Odd or different work timings and either partner not wanting to give up his/her career for sake of the marriage…

Before you read the next page, tell me what you think:
1. Do you think it is possible to maintain a happy married life and a good career together?
2. If you had to leave your job to move cities with your partner, would you do it?
READ FURTHER >>> They don’t want to give up their jobs…

The ghost who walks... and talks!

Nisha and Gaurav have been friends for six years now and have been dating each other for the last two years. Gaurav had been in love with Nisha from the first time the two had spoken in college. However, with Nisha it had been a bit different.

When she had met Gaurav, Nisha had been in a tumultuous three-year relationship that had left her an emotional wreck. Her ex had been incapable of commitment and had been a serial womanizer. Even while Nisha's trust in relationships and her self-confidence had reached rock bottom, Gaurav stood by her. Once dumped, it took Nisha a year to get over the scars. Gradually, Gaurav's love and patience won and Nisha veered towards him.

The last two years had been bliss for the two: Gaurav got the girl he loved and having seen the uglier side of what a man can be, Nisha knew how good Gaurav was for her. All was well till one day Nisha received an email: Her ex was back in town, full of apologies and requested she meet him once.

Nisha asked Gaurav if he was okay with the idea; he didn't see anything amiss in her meeting the ex once. Nisha met her ex for coffee… That was three months back. Since then, the ex has been in touch with Nisha regularly – through emails, scrapbook messages, phone calls. Each time it happens, Nisha makes it a point to tell Gaurav.

Initially Gaurav let it pass and didn't think much of it. "I knew it was perhaps an ego trip for the ex, he probably was feeling sorry and stupid for letting her go," is what he says. But progressively it started disturbing him… "I trust her, she tells me each time he calls, I know she hasn't met him again, but… They had a very intense relationship. I could understand her meeting him once and closing the chapter, but this keeping-in-touch makes me nervous. They didn't part as friends, it was bitter, so why is she bothering now… Does she still have feelings for him?" he asks, puzzled.

Before you read FURTHER, let me know what YOU think of the situation:
1. Would you be comfortable with your partner being in regular with their ex-lover?
2. If you are in touch with your Ex – and your partner does not like it – what would you do?
3. Is Nisha being foolish, keeping in touch with a man who hurt her badly once?
4. Is Nisha really in love with Gaurav?

Read further: When the past is part of your present

Pimps of Pain...

...OR Misery means a million bucks…Or a million hit counts, or maybe even four. ‘Bad news is good news’, and it hasn’t been truer than it is today.

We read bad news, we comment on it, we charge by the minute on it, our political ideologies center around it, we ask for votes based on it, we sell it to nations; and if there is no bad news, we create it. Lawyers, doctors and most definitely the media would go out of business if it were not for bad news and someone else’s misery. Heck, we revel in misery.

As long as someone suffers, world economies will move, leaders will be impeached and elected, gossip magazines will sell, TRPs will soar and even Chicken Soup for the Soul series will sell only because there is bad news and we need feel-good, heart-warming stories to feel ‘better’. No bad news, no bloody chicken soup. Even technological advances come fraught with injurious-to-happiness warnings: Everything from coffee to cellphones and laptops can cause some form of cancer. It’s a wonder the human race has survived this long. With bad news being dished out from all quarters, it becomes tough at times… Keeping the jaunt in your walk, that zing in your smile and that hope in your heart that even if global warming, nuclear warfare, organ trade, drugs and mafia, rash drivers and stress-induced heart-attacks don’t kill you, HEY! It’s a fucking beautiful world out there.

Over the last three weeks, have seen a number of movies, a couple in the theatre, others on DVD. I saw Taare Zameen Par (stars on earth) on dyslexia and worried that I wouldn’t understand my child and will be a bad mother (will I be one at all?). Saw The Castle and was relieved when a simple man took on the government and won back his house that was being forcefully taken away. I wondered if terra nullius would apply to the Commonwealth Games village scam and if it could indeed be stopped. Then it frustrated me because of course the movie was fiction and nothing will happen to the case. Then it was Shawshank Redemption and it was heartbreaking when the “sisters” in jail bugger Andy - reminded me of Chandni Bar. Felt worse when Brooks hangs himself and when Andy is not guilty; so much for rehabilitation. I saw Syriana and nearly lost my head… What if tomorrow my son becomes a suicide bomber? Food shortage, resource shortage, haves and have nots… Which end of the spectrum will I be? Can I really keep my family safe? I felt used and like a mere speck in whatever is the global game. Because a game there is. Partner gently asked me if it was PMS. The first week it was. But then I was sniffling during Napolean Dynamite and Crackerjack, both of which are funny movies and got seriously worried about my mental health.

Today (Jan 7) I was at Tees Hazari - the biggest court in Asia - sitting flanked by a Mamta (custody battle) and an unnamed blind woman (alimony case). And for some weird, weird reason, it reminded me of hospitals and how the media, lawyers and doctors all survive thanks to survival difficulties that others have. Since I didn't want the nervousness I felt to show on my face, I scribbled in my notepad. This was written in court, typed out now…

______________

I cannot decide if I hate/ dislike hospitals more than I dislike courts. (Amit Kumar versus Mamta, the reader calls, next up after them are Pankaj versus Neelima)

My first visit to a doctor was a pediatric clinic in small town Jabalpur, it was Dr Kumar’s, adjacent the old Coffee House. A visit to Dr Kumar’s always meant sambhar-vada for dad and masala dosa for the rest of us, with as many extra helpings of sambhar and the most amazing coconut chutney… Somehow, visiting Dr Kumar was never about being ill, it was a family outing. I remember Dr Kumar vaguely: moustache, specs, a kind voice for me and a stern one for Papa (since he would call the Doc at odd hours even if I like sneezed more than once). Growing up in and out of Jabalpur – as and when Papa was posted there – I had always thought that I’d take my kids to Dr Kumar’s. The good doctor is now dead, the old Coffee House has been shut and replaced by an Archies show room and right outside the clinic now, young boys stand beside their Hero Hondas and smoke.

As I grew older – and once Bhai came along – we started going to the various Miliatry Hospitals (MH) when ill. All doctors were Army Officers and therefore called ‘Uncle’, most had round bellies and big laughs. The nurses were always south Indian and wore starched white uniforms with bright, white stockings and polished-like-mirrors black shoes. All docs unanimously prescribed the same medicines. Erythromycin for ENT, Crocin/ Paracetamol for any fever, Enteroquinol for ‘loose potty’ and Baralgan for tummy aches. Oh yes, there was this unnamed, pungent, dirty maroon syrup for cough. The MH pharmacist always asked one to bring empty bottles for the syrup and Mamma had an assortment of bottles in various sizes, depending on how bad our cough ‘sounded’. The MH was all about familiarity, comfort, Mamma overreacting about a “mere cough”… never illness.

(The hearing is in Room 136, there are many families around. Almost everyone has come with someone. I am sitting alone.)

My next visit to a hospital was as an adult, unaccompanied by any other adult. Since it was neither Dr Kumar nor the familiarity of the MH, I decide to go to the best hospital, not knowing what doctor to trust. It was Max Medicentre. On hindsight, perhaps I chose it because of familiar colours: Only the MH’s olive green was now Max’s light-green-cream interiors. Most doctors seemed too young to be trusted and it didn’t help that I was ill and had come alone. Thankfully, the nurses were still south Indian, younger, but still as kind.

One such visit, I weighed 35 kgs, seriously underweight, was suffering from stress, fatigue and starvation and had to get myself to the hospital because anything I ate or drank – even two sips of water – was coming right out. I was severely dehydrated and weak. My phone outgoing was barred, there was hardly any money and I was absolutely alone. Had to contact someone on chat and request them to call the taxi guy. (Strangely, one blog friend from Canada had offered to call the cab...and then they wonder why some people blog? Perhaps I agree that "serious" bloggers don't write about their personal lives or their personal thoughts. But then, are you telling me that only world politics and the ups and downs of the market is "serious"? Fuck you). I had passed out upon entering Max and had come around to find myself on a bed, with a nurse preparing a drip and gently stroking my hair.

I was crying, she said it was exhaustion, I knew it was worse. “You’ve come alone, miss?” she asked. I nodded, ashamed to be weeping, ashamed to do it in public, before people I didn't know. She wiped my face clean, sat on the bed and continued to stroke my hair. “Don’t cry miss, you will be ok. Crying will make things worse miss.” The "affection" was professional and came with a bill attached to it; but absolutely starved for any recognition as a human being, it felt good.

Then she had proceeded to give me an IV. It had hurt because I was really skinny and the nurse said my veins were too close to the surface. But her attention and (professional) affection did me a world of good. Those were also days when I was delirious with a whole lot of shit going on in my head -- a lot of it spewed out on this blog -- even when pretending to be sane, so I took a picture while she plunged the syringe into me... and then with the syringe in my hand…and middle finger up. The nurse just shook her head. I hate going to hospitals, but am not going to give in that easy. She asked, "Just now you were crying miss, now you take photo, why do you do so?" I just smiled, didn't really want to spell out the "fuck you" bit.

(The partially blind lady has been coming here for three years. She was “left” by her husband for another woman, when she had said he couldn’t leave her, he beat her so bad, she lost her eyesight. He left her, no alimony, no nothing. Another woman is suing her husband and demanding Rs 10 lakh as alimony. The judge says, “Live and let live, if he doesn’t live, how will he pay you?” The husband earns only Rs 12,000 a month.)

My most recent visit to a doctor was two weeks back when Friend had a cracked rib (no, I didn’t do it). He’d been walking around with the fracture for two weeks before finally agreeing to see a doc. Check up etc done, we both skipped out, whistling and happy that it wasn’t anything serious. Out on the lawn, a family sat huddled next to a man on a wheelchair. All of them looked at the man, he just stared at the ground. We were in the Spinal Cords Injury Centre. Another wife was wheeling her husband around, taking him for his daily ‘walk’. We sobered up and walked quietly to the bike. He put his arm around me, gave a gentle squeeze, neither spoke.

(I am done… as I walk out, the scene in Tees Hazari is warming up. Tables everywhere, like a college canteen, with lawyers waiting for cases to walk up to them, some sitting with prospective clients, those poor enough to not be able to hire lawyers who sit in “chambers” that actually look like chicken coops. A farmer is sitting on the ground with his head in his hands… He has to pay more or lose the case; his land, to his own sons. I don’t wait to hear the case. I need to get out.)

PS: After an hour of stewing over Syriana, I demanded an answer to How Can We Feel Safe In This World. The answer I got: “I like to keep things simple. I am going to do what is right for those I love and do my best to keep them happy. That is what I know. It doesn't always have to be about the big things...” And that is what I am going to hold on to, else I will go mad. The small things... Like being able to cry unabashedly during a movie without another getting embarrassed or asking you to shutup or stop overreacting.